Not Just a Writer
If I’m not my career, who am I?
Before I got sick in 2005, I was my career. When I could no longer work, and was in bed barely able to move, who was I? I couldn’t stand to be a ‘sick person’ so I had to discover who I was, when I wasn’t my career.
Too often we are our jobs or roles.
In Australian society, it’s customary to say, “Hey, how are you? What do you do?” to a new acquaintance. It’s an ice breaker to ask someone what they do for a crust.
Career is a huge focus when you leave school. Actually, all throughout your life. As a kid, I was often asked, “What are you going to be when you grow up?” Not ‘what job are you going to do?’ but ‘who (or what) are you going to be’, as if you had to change yourself.
As a kid, I knew myself. I knew I had an insatiable thirst for knowledge. I knew that I wanted to learn everything there was to learn. I was confident, questioning, curious, knowledgeable, and I trusted myself.
Somewhere along the path of life, I lost those traits of myself and became my career. I was Catherine the scientist. Still curious and questioning, but less confident and knowledgeable. Less Catherine too. I became the ‘corporate mold’ of what a scientist should be.
I ‘modeled’ myself on some of the eminent scientists I worked with. I emulated the way they worked, incorporated their philosophies into my being. I was in a male world, and I embraced that side of me. My writing became science writing, my creativity was buried. My focus was being the best scientist I could be. Long hours, a huge amount of learning, wide-ranging discussions, collaboration, writing, peer review and hard work was the core of my being.
When I was no longer a scientist, I lost all of that and I no longer knew who I was. I set up my own business and picked up odd jobs around town that fell into my skill set, or just beyond my skill set, but I wasn’t any of those things. I did them for a few hours a week. Writing is the same for me. I juggle it between everything else I do.
So, I’m not really Catherine the writer, am I?
Even though that’s what I’d like to do with my life, I’ll never be Catherine the writer. I want to be bigger than a career. More individual than a job. More Catherine than anything else.
So, who am I?
I’m Catherine, the insatiably curious. I’m Catherine the inquisitive. I perform many roles and have a few jobs, but they don’t define who I am. I’m not even sure that popping an adjective after my name is a good description of myself either.
I’m a complex human being.
Sometimes I modify who I am depending on who you are, and who you expect me to be. I do many things, wear many hats, experience many emotions. I journey through life, pin-balling from experience to experience, always trying to learn what I can, improve how I react, deepen my connection to myself and to others. I try to be true to myself and honest, but sometimes I hide parts of myself so I don’t offend or upset others. Sometimes I flaunt parts of myself to upset or offend others.
I’m not just a writer. I’m not just a woman. I’m not just anything at all.
I am complex. I am deep. I am evolving. I am ever-changing.
And because I’m all these things, writing is not all that I focus on. I have a day job, family, friends, a local beach, birds in my backyard, a camera that I love taking photos with. I love travel and, although I don’t do enough of it, I love the adventures travel brings. I love exploring places, poking around to find the things that are unique and exquisite. I love stories and dreaming. I love sitting in the sunshine, roaming along the river or the beach, having a swim, chatting to people, eating good food. I love trying new things, being a daredevil, and chilling out with a good book.
Those experiences refill my well. They give me the energy I need to dig deeply into myself to find the essence of a story, the quirk of a character, the drive to keep writing.
I won’t allow writing to consume me. I need to be more than my career this time around. Those decisions mean I don’t produce a book a month, or even a year. I produce a book whenever it’s ready. When my story is right.
It’s not the way to make a living from writing, but it’s my way of life. It allows me to be the many things I want to be. To do the many things I want to do.
At times, I question what I’m doing and these decisions I’ve made, especially when I see other authors with much larger production than I. When I see other authors on social media making certain word counts EVERY day without a break, I wonder if I’m lazy.
When I see other authors almost exhaust themselves to meet a certain target or deadline, I question if I’m committed. When I see an author say that they had to give up a family event to get their words done, I feel bad that my priority is myself, and then other people, and work (writing) is further down the list.
It’s not easy to make my life mine.
That’s made more difficult by social media and the way everyone else’s priorities are in my face for me to see and compare with. But I need to be true to myself. I need to adhere to the life I want to create for myself. In my case, it means I’m not just a writer.
I’m Catherine, I’m complex, and I like to do a lot of things.
Who are you?
