The Married State
A Question, Answered
Last week, a student who became a friend sent me a message full of uncertainty and anxiety. She asked me a question, and I shall try my best to answer her here, both as reassurance for her and the many others who have asked me similar questions and/or have nagging doubts about the subject.
She asked me why no one associated marriage with peace and contentment any longer and whether the married state was going out of fashion and/or existence.
It is very easy to give a knee-jerk reaction to this and jump to defend or attack it: but do give me a patient hearing/reading here.
I could, of course, play safe and be politically correct and spout philosophical clichés about every coin having two sides, etc. But I would rather not.
I don’t think marriage will ever go out of fashion or style. It is like any other relationship, but the level of commitment required is way more than that of other relationships. One needs to invest time and energy in it. As in anything and everything that one undertakes, the initial phases are tough, very tough. It is difficult to get past these initial sources of friction, and it is very easy to throw in the towel and walk out of it.
Sometimes, we have an ‘Iago’ friend, someone who is envious of the stars in our eyes and would like to see these stars lose their sheen. Am I being dramatic? No, only pragmatic. I have seen this happen very, very often.
Sometimes, we have a ‘Manthara’ friend, of the epic ‘Ramayana’ fame, the friend or relative who forces and coerces you to ask for your ‘rights.’ You are too much in her power to refuse, so even if your spouse has gone out of his/her way to accede to everything you want, you still think you should demand your ‘rights.’ Again, am I being dramatic? No. Trust me, I know what I am talking about.
But sometimes, the marriage genuinely has two people who honestly have temperaments that don’t suit, for whatever reason. ‘Soldiering on,’ for the sake of children, society, or what the neighbours will say, is a no-brainer here. It is better to part, preferably without bitterness or rancour, if possible.
Now that I have got that out of the way, would I recommend marriage? A hundred times, yes. Can I guarantee a smooth ride? No way. Every marriage plays by its own rules: and every marriage requires patience. The lows are very low and frequent; and the highs, even though they might be fewer and farther between, are very high. Things get more complicated when we live in a joint family, or an extended family, with in-laws, as I did, and many Indian couples still do.
Am I glad I got married?
Yes!
Is the gentleman I live with an angel in disguise?
Ha! And a hahaha!
After four decades of marriage, there is a sense of companionship and love, and security that I value more than anything else. So I am glad I stayed the course, despite all the odds and the troublemakers within and outside the family.
There are, of course, other alternatives to the married state, and I am not discrediting any of them.
This post is only to re assure those who are wondering whether they will regret the married state. Of all the married people I know, most are happy, contented and grateful.
So.
