Two Heartbreaks and Writing
The journey of finding my way back to my true love — writing.
“Heartbreak was the impetus to me writing poems and music in the first place.”
— Jill Scott
I experienced all trivial moments in life later than others. While others were losing their virginity at twenty-two, I had my first kiss. When others learned life skills such as riding a bike or swimming at eight, I knew when I turned eighteen. So, you get the picture and why the famous affirmation ‘you are exactly where you are meant to be, not early or late’ clearly applies to me.
Following graduation, I took a gap year to appear for competitive exams to pursue management studies. While working tirelessly, I decided that I won’t allow any distractions when I do get admitted into a post-graduate college. But as they say, never say never, I landed into the most profound distractions of life, ‘love.’
The High of Falling in Love
After acing my competitive exams and getting admitted into a post-graduate college for my master’s degree in management, I was thrown into high adulthood with 120 other students sharing the same ideology of life. I worked day and night to make my mark in the corporate world and look for some sense of relief. And what better way to achieve that when sudden shots of oxytocin and dopamine released with the high of falling in love.
Sure enough, to beat the stress, I would cling to my then-boyfriend for support. As classmates, we understood the desperate need for affection to provide some sense of relief to our mental stress.
But what happened in the process was that I was trapped in a suffocating relationship that crushed my self-confidence.
My then first boyfriend turned out to be very insecure, so much that I wasn’t allowed to talk to my other male classmates, let alone sit next to them during lectures. I couldn’t text other men, even though some were my childhood friends. It went to the extreme that I would have to listen to nasty words from him if a male professor appreciated my work in class. He felt that I was cheating on him. Sounds disgusting, right?
The Birth of a Writer
Naturally, I woke up from what I thought was love and ended this toxic relationship. But as they say that when one door closes, another opens, I fell in love with words.
Words found me when pain left me numb. I desperately wanted to feel something when my first love crushed my self-confidence. I discovered that I could turn my deepest scars into short poems. And thus, the writer in me was born.
After I wrote my first poem, there was no stopping. It seemed as if there was a dam of words waiting to overflow as ideas started to pour one after another. My Facebook feed was flooded with poems, and I discovered that writing is my therapy.
Until the corporate world dived into my therapy sessions and killed the writer in me.
Cupid Strikes Again
Mid-twenties, the make-or-break phase in your life. The time when you put in everything to make a mark and earn a stable income. It was a phase where I wouldn’t focus on anything else but work tirelessly to achieve my career goals. And so, I did. As a part of the hustle culture, I, too, would dedicate most of my waking hours to work. I promised myself that I would continue doing so until I can take a backseat and reap the fruits of my hard work.
But life always has different plans and knocks you off the path you become accustomed to.
Cupid always strikes at the most ill-timed moment. Yes, I fell in love again.
Work affairs, although spicy at the beginning, always lead to nasty consequences. This I was told by many. But as Selena Gomez says, ‘the heart wants what it wants’, I took the plunge and said yes to my heart’s desire.
I didn’t jump into it recklessly. Mind you, we both were focused on our goals and knew exactly what we wanted in our relationship. I am at a stage where women would be family planning by now, but as I said earlier, everything happens late with me. So I gave this relationship the benefit of the doubt and hoped that this relationship would ultimately lead to the goal of marriage.
I may have been clear of my intentions, but I guess I didn’t wait to see if his intentions were. A year went by, and as the time had come to fulfil his promise of giving me a happy ever after was crushed.
The Past Returns
Broken promises I realised, somehow, hurt more than a breakup. I was and still am angry that I was so stupid falling into the trap of love again. As I was breaking, my parents’ dreams of seeing their daughter settle down were shattered, which is how I entered the year 2021. When this happened, I didn’t know what was worse, the pandemic or my healing heart.
Amidst all the negativity, I shut myself again. The lockdowns imposed couldn’t have been timed better as all I wanted to do was stay in my room and laugh at my stupidity.
But as I was deleting my memories of my second heartache, a Facebook memory emerged of my past written poem. The writer in me reappeared as if the past was trying to show me that I need to get back to my words, and so I did.
“Writing is an exploration. You start from nothing and learn as you go.”
— E. L. Doctorow
I created my account on Medium. I didn’t know if I could write a full-length blog. However, this time, the dam of words was bigger than the last, and blogs started flowing like a ferocious river and I re-entered the world of writing.
Funny enough, it took another heartbreak to realise that my first and ultimate love has always been words. But I choose to get distracted and kill this writer in me every time I lose myself in the idea of love. The writer in me taught me that my mistake was to lose myself completely when my identity lies in the world of words.
Call it a re-entry or a life lesson, but I learned that what you genuinely love always finds a way back to you because of everything that happened. Words found me again, and if I understand the true meaning of love, true love always makes a comeback as if it were true it will fight all odds and consistently choose you.
Although it took two heartbreaks to realise my first and forever love, it was worth it. Because sometimes, to find something, you need to lose yourself entirely first. I lost myself in the idea of love and then found true love that was always waiting for me — writing.
