How God gave me back my son
This is an article about miracles. About God breaking through my world and revealing jaw dropping glimpses of His power, tender care, and most of all, His love. With this disclaimer out of the way, let’s get to the story…
I’m at my desk beginning to type words that, frankly, I have been running from for years now. You see in December of 2022, my son Breck (2 weeks old at the time) was hospitalized and put on a ventilator and it looked liked we would likely lose him forever. I’ve known for a long time now that I had a responsibility to record and share his story, but that doesn’t make revisiting this period of my life any easier. These were days and nights when my only food were my tears (Psalm 42), when my body and mind grew weaker than I thought possible, and when time seemed to drip like slow, thick IV fluid from the clock in the corner of our pale, cold and sterile room in the Pediatric Intensive Care Unit.
I’ve run from these words for long enough and it’s finally time to record what were the most heart-wrenching and yet miraculously life-changing 2 weeks of my life.
From bad to worse
In December of 2022 my son Breck got sick. His big sisters (5 and 2 at the time) loved him with all their hearts, and despite our best attempts, my wife and I were not able protect him from their loving, virus infested little hands and lips. So, like many third children, he got sick shortly after he arrived. Unlike most newborns though, he stayed sick. Right when bug #1 seemed to be on its way out, he caught bug #2, and then bug #3, and this is when things started to take a turn. I’ll never forget the text from my wife that said something to the effect of “His breathing is borderline. An ambulance is coming to the Pediatrician’s office to take him to the hospital. It’s not safe for me to drive him, he needs to be monitored in transit.”
I’ll never forget the text from my wife that said something to the effect of “His breathing is borderline. An ambulance is coming to the Pediatrician’s office to take him to the hospital. It’s not safe for me to drive him, he needs to be monitored in transit.”
Quickly getting his big sisters set up with the grandparents, I rushed to the hospital. To make a long story short, he continued to decline in the ER triage room until he began “holding his breath” for a minute at a time. Doctors and nurses began rushing in and before I knew it, he was being rushed back to an operation room for an emergency intubation. My world spun. My stomach was in knots. My vision blurred. Everything was happening too fast. The picture at the top of this section was taken shortly before he was rushed out of the room. It’s a beautiful and melancholy picture — our little newborn looking my wife Heidi square in the eyes, with a sort of “it’s going to be OK mom” look in his eyes. We’ve reflect on this picture and that moment a lot.
As we now waited outside the PICU for what felt like forever, we sat there wordless, weeping, unsure if we would ever see our brand-new son again. He was in bad shape. It was unclear if he would survive the intubation. It was precisely in this moment of our deepest despair when God began speaking to us, and he would continue to speak to us daily and loudly, until Breck eventually came home a few weeks later.
As I sat next to my wife who was at this time being comforted by her older sister, I had my hands over my eyes, head resting on my now tear-soaked pants, staring through shut eyes into an unending well of darkness. It was then that I heard Jesus’ voice, almost audibly, say something to this effect: “John. Lift your head. Lift your eyes. I am the light. I am here. It’s OK. I have your son in my hands.”
As I lifted my head off my damp legs (puffy red eyes still sealed shut with hot, sticky tears) my vision was immediately bathed in an almost blinding brightness, and looking back at me amidst this radiance was the face of Jesus. Whether the hospital fluorescence, a divine light from Heaven, or both, I got the picture clear enough. To this day I cannot describe the peace I felt in that moment. I was still scared, in shock and fighting despair every second, but somehow at the same time the Lord filled me with his peace which totally surpassed my understanding (Philippians 4:7). He was there with me almost physically in that hospital waiting room. I’ve never felt him as closely as I did in that space — again, it’s hard to describe with words.
It was then that I heard Jesus’ voice, almost audibly, say something to this effect: “John. Lift your head. Lift your eyes. I am the light. I am here. It’s OK. I have your son in my hands.”
Staring into uncertainty
The Doctor came out and let us know that while the procedure had plenty of ups and downs and there were some close calls, they managed to get him on the ventilator and he was in the room ready for us to go back and see him. I’ve tried to forget the picture that followed (shown above) as we entered the room — my tiny, helpless, brand new son hooked up to all those wires and machinery. The sounds, the smell of sterile metal, the mechanical up and down movement of his chest. All of it, awful. But God began to move again, when the nurse walked in. “Wait a second…we recognize this woman” my wife and I thought, and before we could say anything she introduced herself and mentioned that she attended our church, and recognized me from the worship team. I began weeping. Here again, God was showing us that He was right there with us — blessing us by sending a member of our church family to minister and care for us and our son, and this was just the beginning of the flood of miracles that would soon follow.
Signs and Wonders
I knew then, even before Breck’s trajectory started looking hopeful, that I needed to record what God was doing. I didn’t know how his story would end, but God was very clearly working, and I wanted to remember every moment— come what may. I created a Notes entry on my iPhone and began to record a myriad of hastily written notes documenting this saga. Enough time has passed that I can no longer walk you through each day, but instead I’d like share each of these incredible moments I recorded below, with some additional context, grouped into some of the major categories that emerged.
Music
As a musician, (unsurprisingly) music has always been a major way God has always spoken to me. During this season, God continually used music in a very personal way to encourage and uplift our family.
- The worship pastor for our church sent me a message one day, telling me that he was playing one of my favorite songs at church in honor of my son, as the Lord had put the song on his heart — the song was
“House of God Forever” by Jon Foreman. This in and of itself was very touching, but right after he sent this to me Breck’s new doctor walked through the door and was a dead ringer for Jon Foreman (the artist who wrote this song). I’m not kidding — the resemblance was uncanny. Heidi and I couldn't help but chuckle at this — God knew we needed some humor during this time. - My wife and I received another message from a dear friend who told us that the Lord had put the song “God, Turn it Around” by Jon Reddick on her heart to share with us. This song became our anthem, and to this day it is hard to listen to as I am taken back to those mornings and evenings driving to and from the hospital, weeping-singing this song a the top of my lungs as a plea to God.
- Breck was in the hospital right after Christmas, and as a result the hospital was still very much in “Christmas Mode” while we were there. One night as I walked through the lobby on the way to my car, feeling totally overwhelmed by the noise and chaos of the day, the song “Silent Night” began to play, seemingly starting the moment I stepped foot in the lobby, as though the automated piano in the corner was waiting for me to enter the room to begin the song. Again, I wept. I could feel, so palpably, God telling me that he had our family in his arms, and that this would be a night of peaceful rest for my son, myself, Heidi and my girls — “Silent night, holy night, all is calm, all is bright…sleep in heavenly peace”. The next day my wife told me that it was a particularly good night of rest for Breck.
Visions
My wife and I are not people who regularly receive visions from God. It has happened, but with infrequency. Here I use the word “vision” to describe any kind of direct communication from God — words or images seemingly implanted in the mind, a moment of divine clarity, and so on. I’ve already shared with you above how Jesus spoke to me, but here are a few other visions we received during this time.
- For both of us, our immediate disposition towards God was along the lines of “God. You cannot take our son from us. He is a beautiful, innocent, brand new little boy, and as a good God you must protect him.” But at one point, as things were looking worse for Breck, Heidi received a vision of Jesus holding Breck in his hands, and in a moment of painful surrender in response to this vision she told God that if it was his perfect will that Breck should come back home to Heaven so soon, that she would accept it. She wouldn’t understand, but she would trust God and cherish all the remaining time she has with her kids, as long as that may be. It was almost immediately after this prayer that Breck began to miraculously improve.
- One late afternoon, sitting across from Breck as Heidi napped in the corner, I looked up from reading scripture over at my wife and was startled as she completely bathed in warm, golden light. Words do not do this moment justice, but it was as though every inch of sunlight in the room was being drawn in towards her, wrapping her in a sort of cocooned hug of yellow light. It was one of the most beautiful sights I’ve ever seen, supernatural in spite of its ordinariness, and I heard the Lord telling me “I have Heidi in my hands. Everything will all be alright.”
Scripture
Heidi and I have never spent more time in The Word, and God was talking to us constantly.
- Reflecting on how Jesus had shown his face to Heidi and I during this time, filling us with hope in spite of our circumstances, I was reminded by a number of “happenstance” occurrences how Christ looked despair dead in the eye in the Garden of Gethsemane, so that I could look HIM dead in the eye, and instead of seeing Despair, see only Him, and Hope. His courageous gaze into the pit of Hell is what allowed me to gaze into His face, the Prince of Heaven. This was a theme he was continually pushing during this time, and was a new insight into this scene in the Garden.
- The story of Jairus (Mark 5) was one that was heavy on my heart and that in one particular quiet time I felt particularly compelled to dig into. (Jairus asked Jesus to heal his daughter, but they were too late and she had passed. Jesus then proceeds to raise her from the dead!). After reading this scripture and continuing to feel compelled to dig in further, I asked God “Ok Lord…what are you trying to tell me here?” It was at this exact moment that Breck had a massive, scary heart-deceleration episode, and recovered shortly thereafter. I felt God telling me “I have Breck in my hands just like Jairus’ daughter, and I will take care of him no matter what you see happen to him. I am bigger than your circumstances.”
- My grandmother texted me out of the blue, telling me that God had put John 4 on her heart to share with us, which is where Jesus tells the official “Go…your son will live.”
“…I am bigger than your circumstances”
Prayer
Oh man. These are some of my favorite moments from this entire period. God loves it when we pray, and like any good Father delights in answering our prayers. Check these out.
- As things were starting to looking worse, I texted our Pastor and asked that he come to the hospital to anoint Breck with oil and pray over him in the name of the Lord (James 5). He agreed, and as he was on his way he was praying and asking God to reveal an elder from our church that could accompany him (as outlined in the scripture). As our pastor concluded his prayer and walked into a Starbucks to grab a coffee, he immediately laid eyes on one of our church’s elders! He walked up to the elder and asked if he would accompany him to the hospital right then and there, and he agreed. Now get this…this elder was the man who owned our house in the past (whom we had never met), and his daughter had been admitted into the ICU in the same condition as Breck, when she was his age, and her room was now Breck’s room! How incredible is that?!
- There was one night where Heidi and I were particularly scared. Breck could not settle down — he was fighting the anesthesia more and more which was critically important, as any small movements caused him to suffer a nerve reaction that led his heart rate plummeting. We were at a point where the medical counsel we were receiving was to use a paralytic on him to literally paralyze his body — it would keep him still, but at a cost. He was just so little, the idea of pumping a paralyzing agent into his little body still to this day causes shivers to go down my spine. As we had done many times throughout our stay in the hospital, we sent out the bat-signal, asking everyone in our community to pray specifically that his body would miraculously calm, such that we wouldn't need to use the paralytic. And you know what? It did. Moments later we get a text from Heidi’s women’s group saying that they had just finished praying for Breck, and at that moment his little frame stopped wiggling, and he entered into a restful state that he remained in for the remainder of his time on the ventilator. It was an absolute miracle.
- Fast forwarding a bit, we are home from the Hospital, but Breck is suffering from crazy medicinal withdrawals, deeply uncomfortable and unable to sleep. I was away for the moment and I get a text from Heidi, asking me to pray for him. I prayed something along the lines of “God, would you please help Breck to become comfortable”, but in that moment felt the Spirit prompting me to pray bigger. So I prayed, “In Jesus name I pray that Breck would fall asleep, at this instant.” I finished the prayer and get a text from Heidi, seconds later. Breck had stopped struggling, and immediately fell asleep. He remained asleep that night and had his first deep, restful sleep since he came home. Another miracle.
- There is a part B to the last one. Later that night, during a shower, I was praying out loud, thanking God how he answered this prayer and worked this miracle and in that moment the shower head suddenly, and violently broke from the wall and fell to the ground. Its hard to describe it now, but in that moment I had that clarity that the Holy Spirit sometimes provides, and I knew that this was the Enemy trying to shake me up, as he was furious at how the faith of my household was growing, despite his best efforts to waylay us. I then prayed in Jesus name that any demons would be eradicated from my presence and my home, and I felt a calm enter the room immediately after.
David and Goliath
Throughout this saga, the story of David and Goliath was at the forefront of our minds. Breck’s middle name was “David”, a tribute to his grandfather as well as King David, and in this instance our little guy was quite literally battling with a giant, unable to defeat it with his own strength, but more than capable with the Lord’s help. The following bullets reference specific moments where God reminded us of this story and how it mirrored what He was doing for our little Breck David.
- The first bible story we ever read to Breck was the story of David and Goliath, and Heidi actually has a video on her phone of me reading it to Breck and my daughters. The video begins with me reading “This battle was the Lord’s” and ends with “…and all the people cheered.”
- Our dearest friends messaged us that their daughter’s daily devotional was the story of David and Goliath and that they felt compelled to share this with us. They had no idea that this had become a very important theme for Breck’s battle. The family prayer for that day was “Dear God, thank you for helping us face scary things. We can be brave when we remember You are always with us. Amen.”
- My mother-in-law went home to pick up a book from her house for Heidi and I to read to Breck, as hearing our voices soothed him. She reached into the kids’ section of her library and grabbed a random book, not looking at the title or cover, and it turned out to be the story of David and Goliath. (The actual book is pictured above)
Scriptures
The following are scriptures that were given to us by others or placed on our hearts by the Spirit.
“Blessed is the one who considers the poor! In the day of trouble the Lord delivers him; the Lord protects him and keeps him alive; he is called blessed in the land; you do not give him up to the will of his enemies. The Lord sustains him on his sickbed; in his illness you restore him to full health.” — Psalm 41:1–3 ESV
“For God so loved the world that he gave his only son, so that whoever believes in him will not perish but have eternal life” — John 3:16
“This is eternal life: that they may know you, the only true God, and the one you have sent — Jesus Christ.” — John 17:3
“But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may rest upon me. For the sake of Christ, then, I am content with weaknesses, insults, hardships, persecutions, and calamities. For when I am weak, then I am strong.” — 2 Corinthians 12:9–10 ESV
“May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace in believing, so that by the power of the Holy Spirit you may abound in hope.” — Romans 15:13 ESV
“Jesus said to him, “Go; your son will live.” The man believed the word that Jesus spoke to him and went on his way.” — John 4:50 ESV
“I will extol you, O Lord, for you have drawn me up and have not let my foes rejoice over me. O Lord my God, I cried to you for help, and you have healed me. O Lord, you have brought up my soul from Sheol; you restored me to life from among those who go down to the pit. Sing praises to the Lord, O you his saints, and give thanks to his holy name. For his anger is but for a moment, and his favor is for a lifetime. Weeping may tarry for the night, but joy comes with the morning. As for me, I said in my prosperity, “I shall never be moved.” By your favor, O Lord, you made my mountain stand strong; you hid your face; I was dismayed. To you, O Lord, I cry, and to the Lord I plead for mercy: “What profit is there in my death, if I go down to the pit? Will the dust praise you? Will it tell of your faithfulness? Hear, O Lord, and be merciful to me! O Lord, be my helper!” You have turned for me my mourning into dancing; you have loosed my sackcloth and clothed me with gladness, that my glory may sing your praise and not be silent. O Lord my God, I will give thanks to you forever!” — Psalm 30:1–12 ESV
“Is anyone among you suffering? Let him pray. Is anyone cheerful? Let him sing praise. Is anyone among you sick? Let him call for the elders of the church, and let them pray over him, anointing him with oil in the name of the Lord. And the prayer of faith will save the one who is sick, and the Lord will raise him up. And if he has committed sins, he will be forgiven.” — James 5:13–15 ESV
“So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.” — Isaiah 41:10 NIV
“Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be frightened, and do not be dismayed, for the Lord your God is with you wherever you go.”” — Joshua 1:9 ESV
Why do you say, Israel, “My way is hidden from the Lord; my cause is disregarded by my God”? Do you not know? Have you not heard? The Lord is the everlasting God, the Creator of the ends of the earth. He will not grow tired or weary, and his understanding no one can fathom. He gives strength to the weary and increases the power of the weak. Even youths grow tired and weary, and young men stumble and fall; but those who hope in the Lord will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint. — Isaiah 40:27–31
“He will tend his flock like a shepherd; he will gather the lambs in his arms; he will carry them in his bosom, and gently lead those that are with young.” — Isaiah 40:11 ESV
“Blessed be the Lord! For he has heard the voice of my pleas for mercy. The Lord is my strength and my shield; in him my heart trusts, and I am helped; my heart exults, and with my song I give thanks to him. The Lord is the strength of his people; he is the saving refuge of his anointed. Oh, save your people and bless your heritage! Be their shepherd and carry them forever.” — Psalm 28:6–9
“I prayed for this child, and the Lord has granted me what I asked of him.” — 1 Samuel 1:27
Closing
Breck will be two this winter, and is without question the happiest, most fun, loving and easy going little boy I’ve met. He has endured no long term health issues from this battle, but you know what long term effect has endured? Faith. An increase of faith in our family like I cannot begin to describe.
“Count it all joy, my brothers, when you meet trials of various kinds, for you know that the testing of your faith produces steadfastness. And let steadfastness have its full effect, that you may be perfect and complete, lacking in nothing.” — James 1:2–4
To be honest, before this experience that verse in James made no sense to me, but now the Truth of this verse is so plain and obvious. Not only has the faith of our family grown, but our relationship with Jesus is just fundamentally different. It’s so much more personal and relational. My relationship with Breck is different. When he sits in my lap during story time at night I inevitably end up wrapping my arms around him, kissing his head relentlessly and muttering “Thank you, Jesus” over and over again. I feel a gratefulness for the most mundane moments with him that I can attribute this experience to. The same goes for my girls — I now value every little moment with them, every new sunrise and new day I get to share with them.
I could fill a book with the lessons we have learned from this time, but I’ll go ahead and put the proverbial pen down now. I hope and pray this article has provided you some degree of hope or encouragement, and I’ll end this article the same way I now end those bed-times with Breck:
Thank you, Jesus.
📬 Do you have a powerful story of God showing up and moving in your life that you would like to share with others? Shoot me an email at youarelivingstones@gmail.com and we can talk about getting it onto the blog!
⭐️ Oh, one more thing…If you’d be interested in an app I am building to make it easier to record, share and respond to God’s presence in your life, then click on the link below to learn more about Living Stones.👇
🙏God bless,
John
