Avital Weisinger — When Family Leaves
Originally from Teaneck NJ, Bat Sherut Bodedah 2017–2019
Taken from Avital Weisinger’s Medium Blog — original: https://medium.com/@taliweisinger/the-life-of-a-lone-bat-sherut-2efa9a3b7f7a
I went from a feeling of over the moon happiness to a feeling of deep misery. What did I do next?
I made a 30-day countdown on the wall at my office leading to my mother and sister arriving in Israel. I hadn’t seen them in close to a year and a half. Each day 30, 29, 28, with ever-increasing excitement I would take down a post-it and do a small dance.
My mother and I are very close. We have a very special relationship and I am immensely lucky to have that with her. I consider her like a best friend. Being 6000 miles away from her during such a crucial time in my life is heartwrenching.
She arrived in Israel on November 14th. “My mommy is here, my mommy is here!”, I repeatedly announced to everyone in my office, with a euphoria filling my smile. I couldn’t wait to give her a long-awaited squeezy hug.
My mom was finally going to see the life I made for myself in Israel: my new friends, my adopted family, and my work.
During her stay, we picked up and went to fulfill a dream of ours: Paris. For two days and three nights, we were in the fantasy bubble of Paris. We absorbed the sights, ate all the necessary Parisian foods, and most importantly spent the quality time together that was very much needed.
We took imitation pictures with the statues in the Louvre, making fools of ourselves without a care in the world. Why? Because we were being us. Together.
My mother was an Art History and Fashion major, so having her share explanations and histories made the trip extra special. She knew the stories behind everything and showed me a side of Paris I wouldn’t have known without her. It was truly magical to be in this French fantasy with her. We left Paris for Israel with Creme Brulee in one hand and bags overflowing with souvenirs in the other.
I had my best friend back. She was here in my world. Experiencing the experiences with me rather than through Whatsapp or Facebook. It was surreal.
My sister’s plane landed when ours did so I surprised my sister at the airport. She ran into my arms.
“I missed you so much! It’s so great to have a sister again!”, she shouted.
That last line, it stung.
A bit of background: There are 5 of us in the Weisinger Family. 3 boys, me, and my sister 10 years later. I left for seminary in Israel when she was 8, missed her 9th birthday, moved to Israel when she was 9 in the summer after seeing her for a month before she left for summer camp, and missed her 10th birthday (an extra special one since I was 10 when she was born).
So back to the airport. So much had changed. My sister changed, I changed, the idea of “us” changed. Change is good and normal, but I was barely there to be a part of her’s. Barely there to just be a sister for her. To be a shoulder to cry on and to lend that extra ear to listen. Who was there to give her that sage sisterly advice? I know I wasn’t. She had grown up so much in the last few years and Whatsapp and phone calls do not replace face to face love.
While my sister was here in Israel, I tried being the best big sister I could be, hoping maybe just maybe I could make up for all the years I wasn’t. I took a day off of work just to spend time with her. I agonized over what to do with her to make sure it was the best day ever. In the end, it was. In school, she is learning Shmuel I (Samuel 1), the part of the Bible where it talks about the Tabernacle. So, we are in Israel, so where did we end up? In Shilo, where it all happened! She was experiencing what she was learning in school. I loved being able to share my favorite part about living in Israel with her, living the ancient history.
The next day my mother and sister cheered me on as I spoke in front of a sea of 150+ at the Jewish Media Summit for the very first time. As I presented Carmel 6000, where I do National Service, my mind kept smiling at how I could not have asked for better cheerleaders to be there for such a big moment in my life.
You know the saying, “All great things must come to an end”? Well, that catchy saying became a devastating reality.
That ecstatic coated hug I gave my mother and sister when they landed soon became a heartbreaking hug goodbye a few days later as they turned back around the other way.
It was so special to show my mother the life I made for myself. After all the struggles and obstacles, I am fulfilling the dreams I always chased after and will continue to chase after.
Not having her a part of all of these new memories I’m making hurts more than words can describe. Most daughters can go home to a hug from their mother. I can’t. Yes, I have my adopted family, friends, and siblings, but that hug from my mother is more healing than Advil. For now, I just have to stick with Advil.
When my sister and I were saying our goodbyes, she told me that she wants to grow up to be like me that I am her role model. I lost it. My emotions immediately took complete control. I hugged her tight, never wanting to let go. I just wanted to stay in that serene bubble of family. Never escape. Never come back to reality.
To the life of a lone bat sherut.
Yes, I love what I do and where I live of course, but there are many times when I just want my family. Hugs from my mom, from my sister. It was hard to come back to reality after I got a peek into my family fantasy.
But I did come back to reality.
How?
I came back to reality to make my mom proud. Show her how strong I’ve become. Yes, I need my mommy but I’ve learned to cope with what I have in the meantime. I came back to reality to continue being that role model for my sister.
To show her that even when I’m going through hard times I can pick myself up, wipe away the tears, and be brave.
Before going back to reality did I have a complete breakdown? Yes. But not because I’m broken, because I’m human.
