Because sometimes you just have to hit the reset button.
You could say I got “wild hair across my ass.” Or a hundred similar statements. The truth is — none of my posts truly feel like “me” as I was trying too hard to be valuable or helpful or something. And I know better. This is probably why my posting frequency was in the toilet — hard to put on a mask, even when you aren’t fully aware of it.
Maybe it’s the end of the year blues or the end of the decade from hell joy. Please bring out some good music in the 2020s, World. We can consider the 2010’s your junior high years and forget them.
Hard saying not knowing. But does it really matter in the end? Anyone who’s read pretty much anything I’ve written in 2019 probably knew this was coming already, they just didn’t know when I would get a freakin’ clue and do it.
My overarching goal or value for 2020 (and beyond, naturally) is freedom. It seems simple, but it really isn’t. Suffice it to say that what I was doing, not only was far beyond the definition of insanity (doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results) but was so far outside of my #1 value to be ludicrous.
Whatever happened to him anyway?
I fell into the trap of taking myself too seriously. I haven’t had fun since probably the ’90s, maybe the early 2000s. Not real fun. I was already too consumed with all the “productive” things I could be doing…work, school, to-dos, raising a baby, cleaning house…the list grew as time passed, as it does for us all. What used to just be a fun activity became an escape from the every day, then sometimes grew into an almost obsession…or maybe even an obsession for a while.
Not a single shred of balance in my life. All duty, all the time. Someone had to be the responsible one, right?
So my OCD is to blame for a good chunk of that overdeveloped sense of responsibility. Damn overdeveloped prefrontal cortex! And while I obviously cannot change that overnight, unless I get some sort of lobotomy (shudder), there are things I can do to stop taking myself so damn seriously all the time.
- First of all, the world is not my bloody responsibility. I do not have to look out for and worry about everyone who crosses my path unless they actually have a personal connection to me. Even then, not my monkey, not my circus.
- Creative pursuits are FUN, whether money is involved or not. What the hell is all this stupid internal pressure about? No one works well inside an InstaPot. No one. Plan, make a few contingency plans, and go with the flow and tweak as needed. Humans make plans, and gods laugh — this is how it’s happened for centuries. Not going to change for you.
- Go with the flow. Seriously, it’s okay to not have a plan, and be a little spontaneous. It won’t kill you, as long as you are having an okay day. Listen to your body, but get out there and DO things! Bring back that sense of adventure you used to have.
- Make friends. The good kind that tells you like it is, but supports you anyway. Not the kind that disappears and only contacts you occasionally on Facebook. Again, you have to get out there and DO things!
I have been told many, many times that I needed to “let my hair down” and as is typical with a Type A++, I ignored such advice. Who has time? Never mind the behind the scenes fear that everything would come crashing down if I did. Or the world would end. Or whatever. But I can safely do so, in moderation, and that was something I really needed to learn.
Therapy is worth the money, guys. Even if you don’t think you have an issue. *Nods*
Still not sure what direction I’m going to go in, but I’m working on a plan. Yeah, I still need plans! They’re vital to getting from point A to B, no matter who you are. But this time I’m allowing a lot more play into my plans and allowing for them to go completely off the rails.
Because I can’t control the plan 100%, no matter how hard I try.
So that’s where I am right now. Right smack dab at the beginning, looking around like a lost kitten. And I’m trying to keep that beginner mindset too — no one knows everything, after all! Things are often more fun as a beginner since you don’t know what you don’t know too, so you get to play more. While I can’t get rid of my current knowledge, I can push it aside — what do I actually know anyway?
Have you ever started over? How did it go?