A Pretty Good Man Speech
I spent this past weekend in the New York city area for my brother Peter’s wedding, in which I had the honor and privilege of serving as the Best Man. (The title of this post is a nod to Jerry Seinfeld’s joke about this title: “I was the best man to a wedding one time, that was pretty good. Pretty good title, I thought, best man. I thought it was a bit much. I thought we’d have the groom and a pretty good man. That’s more than enough. If I’m the best man, why is she marrying him?”).
It’s tradition for the Best Man to give a speech of sorts as a toast to the new couple and, as such, I had the opportunity to do so as well. I’m not super keen on public speaking, so I wanted to make sure that I was well-prepared before getting up in front of family and friends, both new and known, to present mine. I set about reaching out to people and perusing the Internet for advice.
Though I did get a fair share of great ideas, mostly I would hear or read what not to do; there’s an entire Reddit thread dedicated to horror stories, and more than a few people made claims to have experienced the worst speeches ever either at their own weddings or those they’d attended. Such tales were, unsurprisingly, not very calming.
There is a pretty solid database of best man speeches available for review, and these too are even rated by readers. But in reading through a selection of these, I was left uninspired as none felt in line with what I felt I both wanted to and needed to say. After all, this was a speech for one of my brothers, and one that I’ve been particularly close to.
I leaned on my experiences working for a human-centered design studio to identify the elements I felt necessary for inclusion in my speech and arrived at a few guiding principles:
- It needed to be both funny and heartfelt
- As several members of the bride’s family was coming from Italy, it needed to be a bit bilingual
- It needed to lean heavily on pop culture quotes/references, the more obscure the better
- Advice should be given in a serious, yet emotional manner
- Keep it short!
With all this in mind, I prepared the speech below. I’m sharing it in toto in case it helps other “best men” as they stress out about their own efforts. Not to pat myself on the back too much, but this baby did seem to go over quite well.
Without further ado:
“Good evening ladies and gentlemen. First off, a big thank you to Father Carl, Mr & Mrs Bitetto, Mom & Dad, and the entire wedding party. Everything has been absolutely fantastic thus far, and we cannot thank you enough. Please: a round of applause for the Bitettos, Shanes, and extended families!
With that being said, we do now find ourselves at the best man speech portion of the evening. Here we go. The main event. So, you know, apologies in advance.
In honor of the Bitetto side of the family, I prepared a little something with the help of my good friend Giovanni Google:
Conosco Pietro da oltre quaranta anni. Lui è mio fratello, amico mio, amore mio. E stasera sono così felice di essere qui a celebrare il suo matrimonio con Nancy. Stasera due famiglie diventano una famiglia. Stasera due cuori hanno battuto come un cuore.
What I said there, I think, was, “I have known Peter for over 40 years now. He is my brother, my friend, my love. And tonight I am so happy to be here celebrating his marriage to Nancy. Tonight two families become one family. Tonight two hearts beat as one heart.”
When Peter asked me to be his best man it brought literal tears to my eyes. We have always been close, have experienced the highest of highs and lowest of lows together, and through it all have forged a special bond. I knew getting up here and speaking to all of you on behalf of Peter and Nancy would be a great honor for me and mean a lot to them.
It’s a bit terrifying for me as I want to make it an emotional and meaningful experience. That said, it must also be terrifying for Peter and Nancy for I have a microphone, and you don’t, so you will listen to every word I have to say!
I was admittedly a bit nervous when sitting down to write this speech. After all, how does one succinctly articulate a lifetime of shared experiences? How do you convey what someone means to you in a few brief minutes? How can you adequately express your love and appreciation for a new sister-in-law? And how, as a bachelor, can I possibly impart wisdom and advice to the new couple as they embark on this life together?
In pondering such thoughts in near anguish, it dawned on me that I needn’t ‘reinvent the wheel’. I could stand on the shoulders of giants, if you will, and rely on the brilliance of Hollywood who, truth be told, has provided my brothers and I basically our entire lexicon.
And so, I mined through pop culture references to find these pearls of wisdom for Peter and Nancy:
● ‘Life moves pretty fast. If you don’t stop and look around once in awhile, you could miss it.’ — Ferris Bueller’s Day Off
● ‘You take the good, you take the bad; you take them both, and there you have: the facts of life.’ — The Facts of Life
● ‘Well, my friends, the time has come. Raise the roof and have some fun. Throw away the work to be done. Let the music play on. Everybody sing, everybody dance; Lose yourself in wild romance, we going to Parti’, karamu’, fiesta, forever. Come on and sing along.’— Lionel Richie, ‘All Night Long’
● ‘Be excellent to each other.’ — Bill & Ted’s Excellent Adventure
● ‘Don’t wheeze the juice.’ — Encino Man
● ‘Kuch had it right. It was a Visionquest. But all I ever settled for is that we’re born to live… and to die… and we’ve each gotta do it… each in our own way. And I guess that’s why ya gotta love those who deserve it like there’s no tomorrow… because when you get right down to it… there isn’t.’ — Vision Quest
These are, of course, tongue-and-cheek, if oddly applicable and appropriate. It would be cheating though if I didn’t take a stab at sharing my own thoughts based on my own experiences after 40+ years of adventures, and misadventures.
My experiences have taught me that life’s greatest challenge is also its biggest opportunity: it is yours to do with as you please.
There is no guidebook, no instruction manual, no universal “if x then y” logic to rely upon. Every day is its own paradox full of celebrations and failures, joyful events and painful experiences, anticipations and surprises, expectations and disappointments.
What these paradoxes or seeming contradictions really are though are choices; the world is as you choose to see it. My advice née challenge to you is to strive to do in each following day what you’ve done here today: choose happiness, choose beauty, choose love, and always choose each other.
It’s been an honor and a privilege to be your best man. And seeing as I started this with a little Italian, it’s only fitting that I end it with an Irish blessing, so everyone please raise your glasses and join along if you know the words:
May your mornings bring joy and your evenings bring peace. May your troubles grow few as your blessings increase. May the saddest day of your future be no worse than the happiest day of your past. May your hands be forever clasped in friendship and your hearts joined forever in love. Your lives are very special, God has touched you in many ways. May his blessings rest upon you and fill all your coming days.
Congratulations Mr. and Mrs. Shane!”
