Avuncular

I can’t quite remember the first time I heard it, nor why I was so drawn to it initially, but one of my favorite words has always been “avuncular”, which generally means, “relating to an uncle”. It may have been the presence of the letter “v” as I tended to be drawn to words containing such when I was younger as it’s the middle letter of my preferred given name. Nowadays, though, I prefer to think that it was some odd prescience given the importance and impact of the uncles I was blessed with having, as well as the undeniable impact being bestowed with such an awesome and terrifying title has had on my own life.

Both my paternal and maternal uncles have been, to varying degrees, shining examples to learn from. Truth be told, and fairly particular to the generation, much of this learning came from observing them. Uncles by nature are supposed to be generous and carefree as they show the younger generations how to have a good time, if to the great chagrin of their siblings or in-laws owing to the often-times wildly inappropriate if not dangerous deliveries of their lessons. Uncles are the foil to parents in that they are gifted in the alleviation of any real repercussions to their actions: they get to teach the “good stuff” yet not have to discipline when these teachings inevitably lead to trouble. In this, my uncles were tremendous instructors, and my brothers and I were rapt students; they set the bar immeasurably high for us, though we have endeavored to carry forward their mantel with our own nieces and nephews.

My uncles are lawyers, teachers, accountants, farmers, contractors, businessmen, and more. The diverse nature of their professions belies their fundamental commonality though: each of them were welcome presences in our lives, quick with a joke and a smile, and eager with mischief. It is fair to say that each and every one of them made an impressionable impact on my life, and though I am hesitant to betray their love in any way, there is one that due to the nature and timing of our great bonding stands apart in the influence he had and that which acts as a guiding light when engaging with my own nieces and nephews, as well as in how I lead my life in general.

My Uncle Dick is my mother’s brother, a veteran of the Vietnam war, a successful and recently retired contractor, a champion of underdogs, a survivor, and the funniest and finest man I’ve ever met. He always made a point of hiring his nieces and nephews to work on his construction crews when we were old and willing enough. He would fill out the rest of his crews with a motley mix of unbelievably talented carpenters along with some true characters. The many years I was fortunate enough to be part of his crews were some of the funniest times of my life, and are still spoken about with my brothers with a sense of hilarity and awe; we all agree that these times were the most fun days of our lives. For me, they were also the most formative times I’ve experienced, and laid the foundation for the man I would work hard to become.

I remember being terrified of my uncle and the work that we would be doing the first summer I worked for him. For various reasons, I had a tremendous fear of male authority figures and a real lack of confidence; each day I expected to disappoint, and to be harshly treated due to my shortcomings. Slowly, though, and thanks to Uncle Dick’s seemingly unwavering faith in and patience with us, this unease gave way and the real fun began. Uncle Dick is without a doubt one of the funniest people I’ve ever met. Each day he would survey the motley crew working for him and the craziness that would inevitably emerge, and with a mischievous smile look at us and with a laugh say, “Livin’ the dream”. I don’t think he’s ever realized that I have adopted that as my mantra, and think of him each time I say it.

Days working for Uncle Dick would be filled with stories of misadventures as a young man that were on their face instructive and reflective. His brilliance, though, was in using these stories to show my brothers, cousins, and I that it was okay to be yourself, to try and to fail. He showed through his example that what was most important in life was to have fun, to be a good person, and to stand up for those that couldn’t stand up for themselves. Though self-deprecating to the core, he is unimpeachable in his principles.

Without going into detail, he overcame unimaginable challenges throughout his life. He would share these during long drives from one job site to the next as non-sequiturs and through a cloud of cigarette smoke when he could still partake. Even that habit served as an opportunity for him to show us how to do the right thing: when forced to quit due to health issues, he never looked back, going from a few packs a day to none at all without seeming to skip a beat.

He always encouraged us to laugh often and do what we thought was fun and funny, devil-be-damned with how it was received. There were many times this manifested on the job, but one that stands out and is oft-referenced by my siblings is really indicative of his fundamental, unshakeable support of us. A brother of my mine convinced me to ride on a pallet as he moved it from one side of a factory to another using a forklift. Naturally, as soon as I stood on it, the forks were raised as high as they could go and my brother started burning out the wheels spinning the lift in 360s as we hooted like cowboys. Upon coming to a stop, we faced the owners of the factory (my uncle’s biggest client at the time, mind you), the project manager, and my uncle. The latter were grim-faced; our uncle was doubled over in laughter, loving every second of what he witnessed.

In later years, as we grew closer, Uncle Dick would share in intimate details how he worked to overcome the challenges he faced in life. The raw, brutally honest way in which he would share just how human he is only served to deify him more in our eyes. He told me once that if he had had a son like me or my brothers he would, “crow like a rooster”. It remains to this day the kindest compliment any of us has received.

It is an unfortunate aspect of life that you truly do not appreciate the magnitude of moments, events, or the people who shape you until after the fact and upon introspection and reflection. I find myself thinking of the afternoons in Uncle Dick’s shop, after a long, hard day of work was done, and over a cold beer, sitting on a bucket and watching Uncle Dick hold court with a revolving door of incredible men: his own Uncle John, cousin Greg, his carpenter Jack, and more. He’s a born entertainer and seemed to be performing as he regaled us with stories from Vietnam, past jobs, and childhood misadventures. He may have thought he was just showing us a good time, but he was really showing us what it meant to be a role model, a leader, and an uncle.

Now that I have 12 nieces and nephews of my own, I take to heart the lessons that all of my uncles taught my brothers and I. There is much to lean on, and hug footsteps to follow. More than anything or anyone, I think of Uncle Dick, and those halcyon days working on his crews when he showed us the way. He taught us that an uncle is present, loves unconditionally, laughs often, and supports always. He showed my brothers and I what it means to be an uncle, and we try our damndest to live up to his example. Perhaps this is not atypical an experience. Hell, I sure hope other people have someone like Uncle Dick in their lives. The world would be a much better place if they did. We’d all be livin’ the dream then.