Back Here Again?
This is the ongoing journal of my personal awakening. Through up to date and un-edited realness, I hope to help you walk through your own awakening with more balance, love and ease.
I’m getting it all wrong.
Stuck in my head.
A lump in my throat.
Tears pouring out.
What is this feeling of emptiness,
isolation,
disconnect?
Equal parts numbness
and burning.
Another flare up.
Pain in my hip.
Tension down my leg.
The nerve like a guitar string
pulled tight,
ready to snap back.
I thought I had resolved this —
figured it all out.
I wasn’t in pain every day.
And here it is, back again.
It feels like starting
at the beginning each time.
Looking up the hill of pain.
I know it’s not really beginning again.
I am not starting from zero each time.
At each new level
I have more strength —
a steadier foundation to build on.
Each time I go around
the spiral of healing gets faster —
the expansion comes more rapidly.
I know this,
yet I still want the pain to go away.
I wonder if I will ever just feel better.
Without so many peaks and valleys.
How did I get back here again?
It’s ok, I tell the scared voice within.
It may seem we’re back where we were,
but I know we are not.
We have new perspective,
new strength,
new skills.
It may feel the same,
but it’s not the same place.
I’m climbing down my current mountain
before climbing up the next one.
Sometimes it feels like going backwards
but it’s not.
I’m still moving forward
even when I wonder
if I’m falling on my face.
I’m not stuck here.
Still moving,
still growing.
I will come out the other side
stronger.
Julia Coplan, an intuitive artist, uses dance, photography and writing to get unstuck from mental chatter and allow creativity to flow through.
