Hesitation
This is the ongoing journal of my personal awakening. Through up to date and un-edited realness, I hope to help you walk through your own awakening with more balance, love and ease.
What is my hesitation? Why is it so difficult to share these videos even with a select few people? What do I need to know?
Right now I’m drawing a blank. Part of me doesn’t even want to answer the question — because then there might be an answer I can address and I’d have to share more. These videos are so hard to share because they are the most personal thing I have created. They are like capturing a…and again my mind goes blank. Going blank is a defense mechanism — a protection from the deepest part of me that is so rooted in the need to stay safe to survive. This goes so deep that it touches my…and again I go blank.
My mind is trying to protect me even from answering this question. Because if I crack that code…if I overcome this hesitation, if I share these videos, then I share all of me for anyone to see, and pick apart. Because that is what I do — my eye picks up on all the “flaws”. That is why this is so hard. It’s exposing what we have all be taught to label as “flaws” and putting them right out there. And not just the flaws, but the beautiful parts are scary too. Drawing attention to myself in that way is scary to this place deep inside me that has been taught that it’s safer not to be seen — safer not to draw attention to myself.
And I know that that is coming from the oldest parts of my brain — the oldest wiring. And I know it’s not true. But it feels true still. It brings up this terror that makes me freeze in place. And when I think about it, sharing this vulnerable expression of all of me — it makes me freeze. It makes my mind go blank. Fight or flight they say, but freeze is the third option, and that is what my reptilian brain is saying to me. It’s safer to freeze. We may not get as far that way, but we won’t die. We’ll be safe.
At the same time the conscious part of me wants to share — wants to put this out there as part of living my healing process, and the healing process of others too. I do this for myself and also in hope that sharing my deepest emotions will help others. I want to hold on to this thought. It is what will keep me going forward even when it seems impossible — even when it seems like I can’t do anything but freeze. All I need to do is take one baby step at a time. That is how I un-freeze. Take the single step in front of me. Don’t get caught up in not seeing the whole path ahead. All it takes is one step.
Julia Coplan, an intuitive artist, uses dance, photography and writing to get unstuck from mental chatter and allow creativity to flow through.
