Protection
This is the ongoing journal of my personal awakening. Through up to date and un-edited realness, I hope to help you walk through your own awakening with more balance, love and ease.
Protecting my heart. Closing the doors before I can hear the no’s. Putting up walls of brick around me. If I stay safe behind here no one can get to me. If I stay still no one can say they don’t get it, or it’s boring, or what’s the point? If I don’t show my true colors no one can say they clash, or don’t make sense. If I keep to myself then I’m by myself — disconnected, unattached. I don’t like how that feels. I feel the isolation around my heart. The distance. The disconnect.
I want to be heart-to-heart alive. And yet I pull back because I’m not sure what will happen if I put my heart on the line. Will someone else be on the other side to catch it and keep it safe? Or will it crash to the floor? What is it — this need to stay safe? Why is it so deeply ingrained? If my heart is on the floor, it’s on the floor. And I’m sure it will have something to say from that vantage point that it wouldn’t have to say otherwise. Something to learn, to grow, to love, to move and to be moved. And yet I still don’t want to go there — to that dark place. I worry that I won’t be able to come back from it. That I will get stuck down there in the muck. Never to return.
It’s been 5 days since I recorded my first set of videos and I still haven’t done anything with them. I’m still sitting on them — not wanting to share my babies. They are precious to me. I’m not sure how they will be received. I know how I felt on the inside and I don’t know if people will understand that from the outside. There is only one way to find out. Take the leap. What do I have to lose? Just my own ego. Is that what this is about? People seeing it and thinking I’m not good enough? Maybe…or is it about being 100% vulnerable and laying all of my heart out there for people — being that real and vulnerable? It’s both. Time to take a practice step.
Julia Coplan, an intuitive artist, uses dance, photography and writing to get unstuck from mental chatter and allow creativity to flow through.
