Last Night Blues

Olivia Johnson
Sep 1, 2018 · 3 min read

I write to you today from my bed, the last time I’ll sleep in it for the next year. In twelve hours, I will be boarding a place to Chicago, then to Rome, and finally to Catania. It doesn’t feel real. In twenty-four hours, I will be stepping off a plane and into the arms of my new host mom, a woman I’ve never met who speaks a language I don’t know. I will descend from the sky to an area of land that I’ve never traversed before and a culture that I cannot hope to understand. I am terrified. Most exchange students fall asleep bursting with anticipation and excitement for the upcoming year. In this moment, I am not excited in the least.

I’ve spent sixteen years moving from place to place, never remaining in one house or at one school for longer than three years. A stable group of friends has always eluded me; I cried when I was surprised with a going-away party because I never imagined that a group of people would care enough about me and miss me enough to plan an event for me. I have bounced from school to school, never quite satisfied. My mind always sought a greater challenge; my heart always sought closer relationships.

In Minnesota, I thought perhaps I could have both. An exceptional public school with amazing educational programs was coupled with students that I could see myself, one day, becoming truly close friends with. Then, on December 31st of 2014, I moved to Arizona. Six tumultuous months at a Christian private school disheartened me, and I moved to another small private school at the beginning of what would have been my eighth grade year. Although it challenged me academically, I was socially stifled. As the years progressed, I found myself growing more and more isolated from my peers, completely miserable at school. It taught me independence, valuable lessons about the inner machinations of high schoolers’ minds, and how to find true friends. I survived by finding the nuggets of gold amidst the silt: a four day RYLA camp where I made some of the best friends of my life, a church worship team that I could truly be myself with, the people scattered throughout my life that I loved and that loved me.

My years of being the new girl, the pariah, and above all, the survivor, all seem to make sense as I look ahead down this next chapter of my life. Each season of life has taught me, and I’ve grown in ways I never could have without the struggles I’ve faced. I am a pragmatic person. I will not fall asleep tonight quaking with heedless bliss and heady excitement. Neither though, will I fall asleep in fear and regret. I will spend my last night in the United States sleeping soundly, knowing that I am full well prepared for the life changing experience I am about to encounter. I am full of hope. Supported by my loved ones back home, I can make a new home for myself in Sicily. I don’t need to be excited. I am ready.

Liv’s Italian Adventures

A chronicle of my year of foreign exchange in Catania. Stay tuned for blog posts, pictures, and more!

Olivia Johnson

Written by

Liv’s Italian Adventures

A chronicle of my year of foreign exchange in Catania. Stay tuned for blog posts, pictures, and more!

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