THE ABUSER IS MY FAMILY

“… I remember having to clean myself up after he was done. But I didn’t understand what was happening. I didn’t even know it was wrong. I was just nine years old, and no one had taught me anything about sex or my body.”

— Amanda (real name withheld)

Nice to have you here, Amanda. We’re curious, why did you decide to share your story?

A lot of times, Africans are forced to keep shut. We don’t get to talk about our hurt, challenges, or questions. Sharing my story will encourage people to speak up. Letting it out is a part of the healing process, so we must encourage people to express themselves. My story will also remind other victims that they’re not alone and someone out there is empathetic for them. Lastly, I hope to speak to parents through my story. A lot of parents watch their children get abused because the abuser is family, and they wouldn’t want to cause chaos. That’s what happened to me. Some parents are even negligent about what their children are going through. We need to draw our children close, teach them and fight for them.

That’s very true. So tell us the story

Okay. For almost five years, I was sexually abused by a family member. It started when I was nine years old. My older cousin, who was in his twenties at the time, was staying with us. So he used to ask me to come to touch his penis and even suck on it. I didn’t know what that meant and how it made him feel. All I knew was that he was older than me and I had to obey him.

Did it ever get to full-blown sex?

I can’t remember if he ever penetrated. After forcing me to touch and suck, he would hop on me and do stuff until he would cum. I remember having to clean myself up after he was done. But I didn’t understand what was happening. I didn’t even know it was wrong. I was just nine years old, and no one had taught me anything about sex or my body.

Was it painful?

No, I think he was careful not to hurt me so I won’t need to seek medical care and in the process, let the cat out of the bag.

Oh, he told you not to tell anyone?

No, but like I said I had no idea what he was doing, so I didn’t even know that I needed to tell anyone. Plus I wasn’t feeling any pain, as he had taken care of for that not to happen.

Where were your parents in all of these?

They were there, living in the same house. I stayed with my parents, but he would come from his own parents’ house to spend some weeks or months with us. I think his workplace was close to my house, I can’t really remember. But ours was a large family; we had both immediate and distant relations staying with us at the time.

Okay, and no one had any idea that he was abusing you?

No one. He would target the time when most people were asleep, busy or not around…

How long did this go on?

Close to five years. The beginning of change was when I was 12 years old. One day, he took me on a trip. Some hours into the ride, he stopped the car claiming a mechanical issue. So he took me to his friend’s place and we lodged there. That night, he came to me again. At this age I had begun to understand that what he was doing was wrong, so I protested. He tried to muffle my screams. I struggled out of his grasp, ran into the bathroom, locked the door and slept there overnight. When we got back from that journey, I told my sister, who later told my mom.

But why were you travelling alone with him? Why did your parents agree to that?

I had a long holiday at school, so my parents thought it would be nice for me to visit my sister in Makurdi. He convinced my parents to let him take me. Of course, he was family; who would suspect that anything would happen?

Wow. So you said this experience marked the beginning of change. I’m guessing that means your mom did something significant after your sister told her?

Actually, no. The only step she took was to speak to him about it. She didn’t send him packing; he still stayed in our house for months. She didn’t even tell my dad, nor did she talk to me directly. She never tried to find out how I felt.

Wow. So why did you say it marked the beginning of change?

Well because I had let it out. And letting it out is always the first step to recovery. Secondly, the abuses were reduced. I guess her words got to him, and maybe he feared that she will soon tell my dad and his dad. So it wasn’t as frequent as it used to be.

Why do you think your mom handled the matter this way?

I think she was trying to save face. He was my paternal cousin, so I believe she didn’t want to offend her in-laws by claiming that their son was a sexual abuser. If my sister had told my dad instead, I believe the result would have been different.

Were you angry at your mom for how she handled it?

Not really, I wasn’t sure how to react like a child. I just knew I had told an older person and that was okay.

How about your sister? Were you able to keep talking to her?

No. She also never mentioned it again after that. I never told her that it continued, until at a much older age.

So when did he finally stop abusing you?

I think I was 13. He moved out, I guess he got another job.

How has the healing process been? Do you still talk to him?

He tries to reach out to me, but it’s hard to look him in the face or talk to him. One day, I almost had an outburst. We were in the midst of friends, talking about our childhood and he began to press me about my childhood. I looked him in the eyes and asked; “do you really want me to begin to talk about my childhood with you?” he got the message and kept shut. He approaches me as though nothing happened. He never apologised, maybe he thinks I won’t remember all that happened. But I remember. I remember so much that I still know what his penis looks like.

So if he owns up and apologises, do you think it will make things better?

Yes maybe if he takes responsibility, I’ll find it easier to forgive him. Cause I can assure you that I haven’t forgiven him. But even if I do forgive him, I may never forget. He scarred me for life.

Has this affected your relationship with other guys?

This experience made me somewhat drawn to the opposite sex. Because I didn’t realise that what he was doing was wrong, I accepted every male advance I got. I thought it was normal. This opened the door for more abuse and mistakes.

So when did you realise that it was wrong?

At around 16 years. I had a phone then, so I began to learn more about sex, my body and the opposite sex. I realised that so much had gone wrong in my life, and that was when I began to feel angry, hurt, and pain. But I didn’t do anything regrettable in my feelings; I just decided to free myself.

Will you ever tell your kids of this, and why?

Yes, my son even knows his kids. Because he (the abuser) is married now, with three kids. So sometimes they meet with me and my son in the family house. I’m always careful though, asking my son if he did not touch him or do anything suspicious. Because you never can tell; he may be bisexual. I’ll tell my son because he has to be careful to avoid such and never become such.

Very true. What will you say if you had one opportunity to say something to him and never talk to him again?

I’ll tell him that he’s the reason behind the mistakes and abuses I got later in life. I took him as a big brother because he’s older than all my elder siblings. We all looked up to him. He had the opportunity to inspire, but he messed it up. I’ll tell him that.

Is it easy to talk about it?

I don’t think talking about it can ever be easy. This is the first time I have spoken so vastly about it. Even my closest friends, I couldn’t tell them. It’s hard cause the more you say it, the more you remember.

But keeping silent doesn’t help either, and that’s why you’ve decided to share your story

Yes, exactly. Silence only buries the wound; it doesn’t heal it. Speaking might be momentarily painful, but it heals.

Is there any other step you envision taking in your healing journey?

For now, no. Just avoiding him has really helped. I blocked his number. And talking about it now is a massive step as well.

What will you say to other victims like you?

Like I said when we began, I understand your pain and I will encourage you to let it out. Tell someone.

And what will you say to other abusers like him who may also be reading this?

Tame yourself. One day you will have kids, and I bet you will not like to hear them tell this story or a similar one. Discipline is hard, but you must learn to control yourself. Step away from things that trigger the urge. In his case, if he knew he had a sexual desire for kids, he should have avoided being alone with kids. Also, seek help. It’s not normal, and it definitely isn’t the way God created you; don’t let the devil lie to you.

Okay. Thank you so so much for sharing this. We pray that you continue to heal and that he also realises his mistakes and repents.

Amen, thank you.