TOLUSTRONG; THE SUNSHINE GIRL
This particular interview is an interview with my heart. I met Tolu at the 2017 Tamerri Festival and there was ‘that’ vibe. Her laughter was all sunshine and rainbow and her openness was touchable. It’s not every time you meet someone like Tolu. Over the years, I began calling her ‘Tolustrong’ as I watched her surmount one mountain after the other.
I decided to put my friend on the hot seat because I knew Tolu had a story to share with the world. Though a professional storyteller, it’s amazing how little you can find about her. So today, we’ve come to listen to the storyteller herself.
Tell us about myself?
Eish, that’s one question I always struggle to answer. But my name is Tolulope and I am living proof of thanksgiving. Born and raised by a blind mom. Yea, my mom doesn’t know what I look like… but she knows she has a fine daughter. I love stories; I enjoy hearing them and telling them. The weirder the story, the better. When I am not telling them, I am producing story content on a digital platform I work for. I love the simple things of life like going out on a walk, having conversations about identity and difference.
Why am I passionate about storytelling?
I grew up in what family psychologists would regard as a dysfunctional system. My father left before I ever could let out my first breath. I grew up an angry kid. Remember I told you my mom is bling right. We had a ton of people always in our house to ‘help’ my mom who had to juggle working a 9–5 and raising three children on her own. There were one too many fights in my house and I was always in between those fights as the youngest in the house. I grew up needing an avenue to vent, to express but as a Nigerian child, I was raised to keep quiet when elders talk, and when you try to explain your point of view, it was termed as rude in my family. There were so many times I got beat up for trying to prove a point. I guess I resorted to fate when I recognized I couldn’t win with older people.
Writing was my getaway, my safe space. With writing, it was a no-judgment zone I knew Ireti (that was what I called my diary at the time) would listen to me without yelling or saying I am daft and stupid or slapping me. I knew Ireti understood me. Ireti listened. Ever since I found Ireti, I never stopped. I realised there are a ton of people with stories yet to be told for fear or shame. I decided to be Ireti, to listen and tell those stories.
So… that’s how you got into storytelling?
Yes. I lived in a dysfunctional system and my getaway was writing and creating scenarios in my head. I would usually act a full movie with me as cast and crew in my head to get out of the fights in my family. I got bullied as a kid as well, to avoid my bullies, I went into my thoughts to create a utopic/dystopic world where I become stronger than my bullies. Other times, I would hear stories of other people and plant myself in their lives to create a utopia. Once I am done with the mental picture, I divulge it to ireti, and I gradually became so used to writing about these stories. Other times as an ice breaker in a group, I tell these stories as if they happened to me. Only those who truly know me would realise it was another fiction I created in my head. Lol, when I was much younger, I told these stories to people to fit into their circles but over time, I just write them. These days, when I read a story, I wrote to relieve stress or anxiety, I am often in awe.
Have I ever failed at something?
Too many times. I considered it a regret when I graduated with a third class for my undergraduate. I remember coming home and my mother was so ashamed of me. It wasn’t that I was a dull student or a wild one. I was, on the contrary, a ‘spirikoko’ Christian and that was another regret. I regretted not being a student. Exploring all the intricacies of school life and being open to embracing people as they are. I regretted allowing people to control how I lived my life and how I embraced the concept of play. I regretted how people in Christian union made me think it was a sin to enjoy life and let the girl in me blossom. I knew I couldn’t buy the times I lost back but I got a second chance to do better and came out with a distinction in my master’s program and importantly I was an influential student in the school community during my second degree. Haha! Look who’s laughing now!
This one is still a regret I am yet to forgive myself from. I was leading a team of young people in my former church. We were millennials with a mission. To break the glass wall between working-class youths and unemployed youths. Till we all come to that reality that we are all humans and Christians going through the same struggle but we don’t have to go through the struggles alone. We’ve got each other even if the church didn’t. We would fellowship and love on each other and that’s all that mattered. Unfortunately when I lost my brother in 2018, my world and everything I held on to shattered. I lost the zeal and there was no one to take on the leadership position at the time. I thought I would bounce back in no time as I had often done with other challenges life threw at me but this time. I was too numb to pick myself up. I regret this so much. Every time I meet up with some of the guys from FUSION (the name of the group) you could see through their eyes how desperate they are to have the group again but I can’t. I don’t have the drive to even rebuild. I also need a hand to pull me out of myself.
Was there any dream you had you never chased?
So, there are two sides to this answer.
- I am a dreamer. I come up with the craziest PR ideas and stories. My challenge is implementation. Hence I struggle often with implementing. Usually, I conscript someone to implement and boom! We make magic. I am glad I get to have a boss who understands my strengths but pushes me towards implementation as well.
- If there is no implementor in sight, as long as the dream is SMART, I Usain Bolt with it.
LOL… Nice! What’s your greatest achievement?
I haven’t had it yet. This caterpillar is still evolving.
Hmm… we will handle it when it is ready. Pray tell how relationships have your journey
To be honest I suck at romantic relationships. I can’t fully say my romantic relationships helped my journey perse. You could blame it on childhood trauma. Albeit, my last relationship made me aware of my purpose and my giftings. The lover made it his JD to ensure I blossomed and boy did I shine. I was shinning so much I didn’t believe in my entire life I could shine that bright. I shone so much I was scared of my light. I realized I could conquer/build anything in the world just because the lover knew I could do it. It’s funny how Jesus has tried to make me see this for years and it took a lover to show me (I see you want to know what happened to the lover and me? ONE WORD! life.)
However, I am fully aware that my life would be worse without people. People who see me beyond my lens and are willing to hold my hand, not afraid to reprimand me when they realise I am losing focus and importantly, people who never cease to pray for and with me. I wouldn’t have achieved all that I have so far without them. They are my anchor and one aspect of my motivation to never give up.
What have you learnt living across various cultures?
I have learned from various cultures two essential things; we all want to be human and we all want to be heard- to own and live our truth unashamed. Once we find a group or a person who lets us own this part of our lives, we become unstoppable.
Living across the globe has also taught me the beauty of asking. As a Nigerian, one thing I didn’t grow up with was to ask questions or ask for things I needed. Because it was often seen as rude to ask in my family. Here I was in various parts of the world and made friends with people who had no objections in asking for anything. If they needed help as women, they asked and not try to be strong enough to do a task themselves. My Indonesian friend, Adis would often say: “men are givers. They are created to help us. When you need help from a man, ask him. I bet you he would jump for joy that you asked for help”. She was right, I learned that asking perturbing questions is healing in itself, and asking for help increases your years. It became real to me when I lost my brother 2 years ago. I was aware that I needed help but I struggled with asking. Afraid of being vulnerable without realizing vulnerability is a gift to both the giver and receiver.
You seem highly open and uninhibited. How do you deal with stress and external expectations?
I am? Well… I guess I am. Travelling and leaving your comfort zone would make you come to terms with the truth. Life is fickle and to fully live, we all have to be open to other people’s ideologies. At first, you would develop a culture shock but once you accept that whatever ideology people have is what makes them human, you love them regardless of your shock. That’s all that matters. I mean, as long as God loves you, so do I.
Managing external expectations? Up until 2015, I used to be a people pleaser to seek validation of my self from others. I took in everything people said of me; either good, bad, or unbelievable. I was lost. In 2015, I left my comfort zone. I found light. I realised people should not be given power over my life. That’s too much power to let go of. Now, I believe, people are entitled to their opinions but it is in my power to either take it or block the opinion from feeding in my mind. With stress, never underestimate the power of sleep and meditation. They help you block the noise. Other times, I go into my thoughts to create another story.
Were there losses that mattered to you?
Wow. I know that word too well. At 3 I lost my sense of being when I was kidnapped and raped by my father. The first and only time he came to our lives was the day my innocence broke into glass fragments. I never knew what it was to be feminine or receive love and affection ever since. But hey! The Grand Overall Designer of my life (GOD) is restoring factory settings. Lol!
2 years ago, I lost my brother to sickle cell and a doctor’s negligence of his severe case. She abandoned him to die. In her words when she broke the news to me: “ you know it was going to come to this. I was just waiting for it to happen”. I had known loss from relatives but not like this. I haven’t recovered from it ever since. I don’t even know if I would ever recover. For the past two years, I have felt like I am in a state of inertia. Numbness. Stoicism. I lost my zeal to fight for anything. There are days I beat myself to get back up, that I am stronger than I think but I can’t seem to stay up for long. Wale was my anchor. I don’t have many male representations in my life but wale was that one person who was both brother, advisor, and friend. He understood the hurt I felt and held my hand through it. We would laugh so hard on some days and comfort ourselves in the same breath because we knew we had each other. He was my immediate older brother. He was my good conscience. I’ve lost my good conscience.
How did you manage your grief?
I don’t know if I am managing grief. Like I tell people who ask me, with grief I am just winging it. I don’t think I have fully grieved my brother. I had to put on the ‘big girl pants’ immediately to take up the responsibility of my family. I mean, I planned my brother’s funeral and went into big girl mode in the same breath. I went from the flexing last born to the breadwinner. The oldest sibling is married with kids. It was obvious she had a lot on her plate already.
Tolu, you’ve been strong, and amazing and your vulnerability reaches the heart. Thank you so much for teaching us how to simply be… we honestly can’t thank you enough. I want to round up your story for we all need some hugs and comfort at this point. Before you go, however, give a piece of advice to teenagers in the 21st century
Dear teenagers,
Live. Just live. Allow yourself to learn everything you want to, laugh at your mischief and mistakes (we are all not perfect. The world would love you for your imperfections, not for your perfections) love yourself, love people, love your God, love yourself enough to be vulnerable. This is my mantra for life. Live. learn.laugh.love. Repeat.
Lest I forget, dear teenagers, with regards to work, open yourself to volunteerism Now! My life has been better because I volunteer in strategic places relevant to the things I enjoy doing when I was 15, I started working early because I was afraid of being jobless as an adult. I lived with a lot of unemployed adults growing up. I believed they fought with each other out of frustration. I didn’t want to be like them.
Any advice for fellow millennials?
Dear millennials,
This world would suck without us. Do you know why? We are the conduit upon which our parents and the GenZ rely on. We ran so Gen Z can fly. You are too special. Way too special to the world. Don’t let them put too much pressure on you. As long as you know you are not lazy and you are doing the best you can, I am proud of you and on this side of my computer routing for you.
What can the world expect from you?
This evolving butterfly would break glass ceilings and shatter stereotypes one story, one movie at a time. Watch this space.
Thank you so much Tolu. We’ve become more human because you dared to tell your side of the story. Thank you so so much! Can we call you THE SUNSHINE GIRL?
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