I make a lot of resolutions throughout the year. Every time I watch someone’s vlog, I vow to vlog more. Every time I watch someone play a game I thought I was dumb, I vow to play more variety. Every time I drink too much on a Wednesday, I vow to stop being a fucking moron.

At my channel’s peak in 2015, meaning highest consecutive viewers and subscribers, I was single and absolutely fucking miserable. I threw myself into streaming and didn’t focus on anything else. Seriously. I hardly ate. I hardly slept. I didn’t talk to or see my friends. I was not physically, emotionally, or mentally healthy.

2016, however, was amazing for my personal life. I successfully got myself out from under the monster that was my depression that I had been battling for the better part of three years. I was released from therapy. I moved to a big city and moved into my dream apartment. I fell in love again.

Unfortunately, my channel took a hit as a result. Between events, spending time with friends, and the long-distance relationship with Derek, I didn’t put nearly as much time into the channel as I had before. I let things fall by the wayside. I put stuff off. Because of these things, I feel like people lost interest.

So here I am, happier than ever, but I can’t seem to get back on track. I’m stressed out. I experienced a massive sub loss and I’ve only been able to gain 25% of it back. Viewership is at an all time low. I can’t get back the sense of community I used to have. I’m watching all of my friends grow and explode around me and I can’t help but ask myself, “What am I doing wrong?”

There’s no way I’m going back to being that unhappy, empty person I was. And I’m not quitting. So I just… have to do better, I guess. Somehow.

Whether I have 2,000 viewers or 200, I’m putting on the same show I always have. I’m not going to change who I am as a person to fit into what’s popular on Twitch. I know I just need to regain my focus.

A shout-out from some giant streamer wouldn’t hurt either, but hey, beggars can’t be choosers.