National Coming Out Day
Whether you want to come out in a blaze of glory — or not at all, for those that choose to, coming out is an important step for many LGBT+ people. It can be a complete breeze for many, but an anxious and stressful mess for others; however it’s important for people to know that there are support networks for millions of other LGBT+ people who know exactly what they are going through and are there to support them.
On (Inter)National Coming Out Day, some of the London Gaymers team reflect on some of our own coming out stories.
Curtis Free explains that his family were supportive after an initial shock for both him and them, but now their bond has never been stronger.
“I never really had the ‘Mum, I’m Gay’ moment as my parents found out before I was ready to tell them. I think they suspected I was gay for a while — there’s only so many times your ‘friend’ can drop you off around the corner from your house without raising suspicion and your friends can cover for you! One night my mum just asked me very explicitly and I answered honestly.
“I think they both took it quite personally. My mum was upset I felt I couldn’t talk to her about it and my Dad didn’t really know what he’d ‘done wrong’. He always wanted a son he could play football with and share his sporting interests and that just wasn’t me. My dad grew up in Fife and was the youngest of seven brothers. My parents were were from a different generation where being LGBT+ was ‘wrong’ and didn’t know how to behave around someone who was gay. They saw it as something they were at fault for.
“I went back to my bedroom and cried a lot that night. My sister knew before hand and supported me through it. I got the feeling my parents didn’t get much sleep that night. The following morning it was immediately clear to me that they wanted to make sure they were here for me, and wanted to make sure they knew how they cared for me and loved me, and that while this was going to take some adjusting — it didn’t change anything about how they felt about me. I remember vividly, my dad driving me to college the next morning. We’d been in the car for about 5 minutes when he said to me, ‘You’re my son, I’ve always loved you and I always will, and I’ll always be there for you’ It’s probably the most profound thing he’s said to me before and since that moment (he’s not the most emotional person) and knowing that he not only accepted me but still loved me, was an enormous moment of realisation that everything was going to be okay.
“Coming out to the rest of my family and friends happened gradually over time. My mum responded to every ‘Oh, so your son is gay?’ question with ‘Yeah, what of it!’ (Thanks Mum) and although there were many moments of shock, I felt accepted by everyone in my extended family and friends. In fact, I think it helped those people become more accepting of LGBT+ people. What are LGBT+ people like? Well you’ve known one for 17 years, and funnily enough, they’re just like you.
“My relationship with my parents has never been stronger and being confident and comfortable with who I am has changed my quality of life immensely. I could finally be me. My friendships in London have helped me feel confident and comfortable with who I am, even though I never felt like I fit the gay scene ‘cliques’ There’s still work to be done (just when will I feel comfortable holding my partners hand in public?!) but there’s no better place to do it.”
Matt talks about his experience at the age of 15, and a coming out to his parents which wasn’t on his own terms.
“I was never one of the sporty guys, that and being a bit of nerd I was never one of the more popular kids in high school. I stuck with my small friendship circle and that was that. Spending these formative years in rural Cornwall, an area not exactly renowned for it’s progressive attitudes I always kind of new something was up but it didn’t click for the longest time.
“At about the age of 15, within my small group of friends, one of them noticed that I was particularly interested in, believe it or not, Elton John’s partner David Furnish (I had no idea who he was, but he was in the news at the time for some reason). There was kind of a bit of a joke that I fancied him (high school ‘banter’) but I quickly realised that that was exactly the case. It got bought up during gym class of all places and I brushed it off rather than denying it. With that small act, my close friendship circle quickly realised what was going on, and we didn’t think much more of it.
“At this point I just decided that I would not deny it at all if ever asked, but I didn’t partuclarly want to make a big thing of it either. High school on the other hand, had a different idea. It didn’t take long for the Chinese Whispers to kick in, and I would be lying if I said I didn’t struggle for a good few months coming to terms with my identity, and my sexuality. My form tutor at the time was perhaps the most supportive person I could have wished for. I mentioned I was struggling and she asked why and I had to tell her ‘I think I am gay and people are finding out and I don’t know how to react’. She was wonderful and did everything from referring me to a local LGBT switchboard to calling out a homophobic remark by another tutor in the same department. That meant a lot to me, but at the time I didn’t exactly realise how much.
“As time went on, wierdly, the reaction from most of the popular kids was ‘You’re faking it for attention’. When it became clear that I wasn’t most were like ‘Oh cool’ but one or two really didn’t act appropriately. I think the worst case was when someone emptied an entire bag of itching powder down my neck in class. The head teacher at the time dismissed it but that same form tutor said ‘I suspect this is actually homophobic bullying’ the head teacher’s response was ‘He thinks your gay, but your not that must be hard’. *internally screaming*
“Many months went by and things calmed down and I was happy. My sister knew but my parents didn’t. I was happy with the situation I was in. However, yet again — high school had a different idea. One afternoon the phone rang (back when you had to share your land line when you wanted to talk to your friends) and my Mother answered. ‘Hello’ ‘Is Matt there?’ ‘Yes he’s here - who is it?’ ‘His boyfriend cos he’s gay hahaha no grandchildren for you’. Not exactly the terms or time frame I wanted my mother to find out, but it was done.
“Thankfully my parents were mostly chilled about it (sometimes too chill to be honest). Because of this, these days I kind of appreciate the favour, it saved me doing it! But for a lot of people that could have been a devistating revelation — and I wonder if that was the intention of the caller at the time? I’ll never really know, so I try not to sweat it.
“Today it’s a non issue for my parents really, and it rarely gets bought up — which I think is exactly what I’d prefer!”
Rafael was worried how his family would react, but actually things went better than expected.
“I came out as gay to my mother on my 15th Birthday. To this day, this has been the hardest thing Ive ever had to do in my life. It took me over an hour for those 3 words to escape mouth. A million thoughts were going through my mind — will my parents still love me? Will my Mexican family treat me differently? Am I better off keeping this a secret forever? When the words finally came out, I was met with the biggest hug my mother has ever give me. And, just like that, I no longer felt alone in the world.
“But, as tough as it was for me to come out, I know I am one of the lucky ones. Whilst we have made progress in LGBT rights, many LGBT people are continuing to have tougher coming out experiences than I had, and many are still in the closet. That’s why I want to continue to support LGBT people in being themselves and continue empowering LGBT allies.”
Of course not every coming out story is as positive or ends as well as ours. The Albert Kennedy Trust reported that in 2015, around a quarter of young homeless people were LGBT, and nearly all of them were either fleeing a hostile situation at home or were rejected by their parents after revealing their sexuality. As a community we need to make sure that we do everything we can to not only empower LGBT allies, but provide support for our peers who may not be as fortunate as us with our coming out stories.
If you need support with coming out advice you can contact one of the following organisations:
- Terrance Higgins Trust (there is even a helpline listed on the page)
- Stonewall Youth
- Fflag (helpful advice on how to come out in addition to resources for friends and family too)
- Queen Mary University London have a good page of resources too.
If you’re young and identify as LGBT, and struggling at home, the Albert Kennedy Trust is there to help. Stonewall Housing is also a a great resource for those that might be struggling with housing.