Less Lonely with…Special Guest
Being lonely in a crowded room and the unnerving of networking can be horrible feelings, we caught up with SG because they have found a way to cut through this. In this feature, we chatted to Isla Suddek from Special Guest, a wonderful Social Confidence Coach who hosted our first Loneliness Lab X Special Guest event in January 2020.
What is Special Guest?
Special Guest (SG) is an event that connects Londoners with a stage they never thought they would stand on, and with people they never thought they would speak to. SG welcomes Londoners, no matter who they are, to share their expression in front of an audience for a 60-second-moment within their lifetime. It’s so magical, so simple, yet so effective. And every event is different to the last.
From the outset, Special Guest appears to be a storytelling event but that’s just the cover… once you look beyond the front page, you discover that SG is actually a powerful community-building tool. It has so far ignited new friendships, creative collaborations, flat-sharings and so much more. Most importantly, SG is helping us realise that it can be safe, and even fun, to share how you really feel in front of a room filled with strangers. It’s removing the stigma around The Act of Sharing Your Feelings.
What made you get involved with SG?
All of the above! The night I attended SG for the first time I thought, ‘wow, I wish this was around when I was lonely and had no friends.’ It resonated with me and the sociable world I envision London to become. At the time I was introduced to SG, I was already facilitating events and coaching Londoners on social anxiety; I knew I wanted to make an impact on London’s social atmosphere; I still do today. Looking back, it was great timing when I was invited to join the team and it happened by accident…
I was walking home one evening in Stockwell when I recognised the Founder walking by and excitedly said, ‘hey!’ He couldn’t hear me with his headphones on so I had to shout to get his attention — I was brave that day and I’m happier for it!
Another reason I host SG events is because I enjoy being on stage in front of an audience, a part of me loves the attention and that’s the honest truth! I’m still in the process of healing in this area and owning who I am in front of a room full of people, staring at and judging me. Standing in front of an audience and being able to make them feel something (be it empathy, laughter, shock, curiosity, fear or longing) is a skill in itself and I’m able to build on this skill each time I stand on that stage. I’m grateful for that opportunity.
What have you learned since you started hosting SG events?
Ooh, this is a great question. Well, I’ve had many attendees turn to me and say on arrival, ‘oh no, I’m not going up there’, yet moments later I see that same person running up to the stage to grab the mic and speak in front of an audience for the very first time. I’ve never heard anyone step down from the stage and say ‘damn, I regret that’, so I’ve come to believe that everyone likes to have that moment to share who they really are, everyone likes that bit of stage time and most importantly, everyone is deserving of that time and worth listening to.
I’ve also learnt that courage exists inside all of us, it’s just a matter of activating it. In this instance, I think it’s the peer support you get from the audience cheering you on before and after you step on to the stage. The power of accountability and group support can help us do things we wouldn’t usually do on our own. I know peer pressure can be used in negative ways to influence people to do things they don’t want to, but at Special Guest peer pressure is more like peer support; you can choose to step on stage or not, and you can choose when it happens. Once you do, you feel the excitement of the crowd and you get this feeling: ‘everyone wants me to succeed up here’. I think this kind of peer support is crucial to getting people on that stage and speaking their truth.
What is it about getting strangers together that helps build connections?
Hmm, I’ve pondered this question for a long time. People have told me they feel more freedom to express in front of strangers because they think strangers won’t judge them and even if they do, they’ll never see them again. For me, meeting a new person is a magical experience because it reminds me of how curious, bizarre and knowledgeable humans are, no matter their background, education, age, etc. In conversation with a stranger, I realise that everyone has a fascinating story to tell (although these stories are only fascinating to the most curious of listeners).
Getting strangers together to build connections can be highly effective because a room filled with new people can be more interesting than a dinner with your flatmates. Why? Because many of us have a tendency to be less fascinated by the people we know. It’s easy to assume we know everything there is to our best friend, our mother, our lover, or our pet dog (joking/half-joking) and so we ask less questions and they become less appealing to our curious mind. As a result, we can feel less excited to ask our flatmate about the wonders of being alive or their childhood dreams but on the plus side it can make an evening with strangers an exciting, stimulating experience!
What is the most rewarding thing that has happened as a result hosting a SG event?
At the last SG I hosted this woman stepped up on to the stage and could barely speak; this wave of emotion hit her and she began to cry. It was so very human and so very real. The audience supported her and shouted things out like, ‘you’re beautiful’, ‘take your time’, and ‘you got this’. We all waited patiently, trying to give everything she needed at that moment. That’s when she shared her story. She explained how she felt like the ‘other’ in the room, what it was like to lose two close family members in recent years and how she is now going through a process of healing. I sat there, taking it all in; this human’s suffering, healing, strength. I started to cry. I felt shivers run across my body. I felt every person in that room sending her love and empathy in that moment. I think we all just wanted to go up there and hug her but it didn’t feel right, we had to give her that time to shine up there, by herself. It was an unforgettable moment. That’s when I thought to myself, ‘woah, giving that stage to someone could be the greatest gift they receive in a lifetime.’
If anything, what was different about the Loneliness Lab SG event?
The Loneliness Lab SG was very different to the others I’ve been to. There was less singing, dancing and group games on stage, it was less playful than usual. In replacement of that there was a lot of vulnerable, raw sharings. We got deep real quick! And you know what, I think that’s what people came for and craved that night. They wanted to share their experiences with loneliness and they wanted to feel seen.
I think we’d benefit from having more spaces like that, where we can freely talk about our mental health challenges. When we start talking about mental health more often we remove the stigma around it and once you remove that stigma, you can start the healing process.
If someone has shared personal stories at a SG event and felt connected with the audience, what can they do, when they go home in real life, to nurture their own connectedness?
I love this question. I think there’s a lot of power in journaling so what I’d say to attendees is this: Once you leave SG, you may benefit from a post-reflection where you sit with yourself after the event (that evening or the next morning) and sift through your feelings — fears, excitements, the behaviours you exhibited at the event, how you interacted with people, who you didn’t interact with and why, etc. This post-reflection could be in the form of a written page in a notebook, or, if you don’t feel like writing, you could speak into a phone recorder and save it as a voice note — I call this voice journaling. From this, I think you’d gain a lot of insights into what your superpowers are when it comes to connecting with strangers and how they can apply these powers to future social situations.
One tip I can’t recommend enough is talking to strangers on public transport. It’s the perfect place because it’s the easiest environment to leave (if you want to finish the conversation) and it provides one of the most diverse collection of people! From bankers, to creatives, to parents, to the homeless, to tourists, to the elderly — London’s public transport, especially the Underground, has it all. If you haven’t sparked a conversation with a stranger before I’d say start with something simple such as, ‘do you know what the next stop is?’, to get the ball rolling and break the ice.
If you had a magic wand, what one thing would you change about our cities to make them less lonely?
Ooh, I’d love to see more cross-generational events where the old and the young create, socialise, dance and play together. I think a class on social dynamics and conversation design in schools could also be game-changing. But, if I can only choose one thing and it’s specifically about designing out loneliness in cities then I’d say that I’d wave my magic wand to the left, then I’d wave it the right and I’d hope to open my eyes and see… a variety of indoor public spaces across the city that are free to enter. I discovered some spaces like this in Paris and it was a real experience just to visit them. I remember walking into this big open hall with beach chairs dotted all around the edges where people sat to read, write, listen to music, or watch other people. The centre of the space was filled with people practising their art, from left to right I could see ballet dancers, jugglers, circus performers, breakdancers, capoeira groups. Creativity filled the room. We lack spaces like these in London; spaces where we can practice the arts or simply sit indoors without having to pay £5 for a hot drink. I wonder how our interactions would change if we were encouraged through spaces like these to create. Would we create together?
Where is your favourite place to go when you want to feel more connected?
To feel more connected I actually like to spend time and build intimacy with myself. I will set 20–30 minutes aside to do some yoga and dance in my room with my favourite albums playing in the background (Hamilton Soundtrack being one of them), or I will take myself on a walk without my phone or an intended direction in mind. I find this useful because I used to overload myself with social interaction, attending events every night and day until I felt so disconnected from myself and as a result, disconnected from others. So now, my favourite place to go is a mental space I call ‘Home’, a place I’ve built with me, myself and I. I like to go back there and water the plants, turn the lights on, sit down and look around at what I’ve created so far.
