The Changing Face Of Loneliness In Lockdown
And how we can connect better, even when we’re apart
The day the UK went into lockdown, I was due to move to Bristol. Some weeks before, I had been on reconnaissance in my new city, socialising with friends, yo-yo-ing between the yoga centres, wandering the watering holes and exploring Bristol’s vast green spaces. I was on cloud 9 — excited about moving there, starting a new job, optimistic and hopeful for my new future after 3 years of nomadic living.
Instead, I found myself without a home, unable to travel. COVID-19 brought my life, and everyone else’s, to a sudden halt. Many of us have lost our jobs or found that we can’t continue working. Even before the outbreak of COVID-19, 9 million of us were already lonely (British Red Cross, 2018). And it wouldn’t be hyperbole to say the physical disconnection is adding fuel to this raging fire of loneliness. Many of us are floundering, with overwhelming feelings of uncertainty and sadness.
Grief expert David Kessler says about the lockdown that “we are grieving the loss of physical connection, the loss of routine, the loss of work, physical touch, gathering for meals”.
After the initial shock was over, I started looking for answers in the only place I could — online. I came across many resources that could support me as I navigated this new world. I found a load of online community events from the wonderful people at Always Possible, Evulva and Tribe Life. The Corona Network brought in a few rays of positivity — so welcome when my internal mindscape was full of various shades of grey. Ironically, I looked outside and it was gorgeously sunny. If only I could be out in it. If only all of us could be out in it together.
But then, in the spirit of getting on with it, I discovered another gem — Communitea by the Loneliness Lab. I soon joined their weekly calls, connected with the community with a customary cup of tea and build up a strong connection with this diverse community. I listened. And I learned. Quite a lot in fact.
Turns out I’m not alone in my newfound loneliness. No surprises there, but it’s still useful to be reminded. As the entire community shared their lockdown stories using the ‘Loneliness Map’, a few key trends emerged.
Loneliness is not constant — like any emotion, it ebbs and flows. And again, no prizes for getting this one right — it exacerbates when we’ve unplugged from our digital connections. Does this mean that we have to stay stuck to our screens to feel connected? The short answer is ‘no’. It’s ok to unplug, stay in your pyjamas, and put yourself on pause. Or go for a walk and strike up a conversation with a stranger, albeit from a safe distance. You never know who you could meet. The other day, for example, I had a lovely chat with an elder lady who was a former athlete for England. I explained how I hated running but forced myself to do it and she shared some tips from her professional career.
Isolation expert and submarine captain Ryan Ramsey says “If you are healthy physically, you will be healthy mentally. I used to exercise with dumbbells in my cabin, which was tiny. Enjoy what’s there”.
Also, it turns out that lockdown has awakened yet another hydra — and she’s called productivity. No sooner do we finish one task, that another rears its head. And this endless pressure to be productive comes with a plethora of stress and tension. Phew! And I thought that I was the only one going through this.
Research from London is Lonely has shown that for many, loneliness is just as much about feeling disconnected from ourselves, as from others.
The key then is to de-stress, recharge and ‘unplug’. Or try being more gentle and patient with ourselves. It’s OK if we haven’t joined every online exercise and meditation class. It’s perfectly fine if we haven’t mastered the art of creative writing, learnt a new skill, or painted a new masterpiece while sitting on a chair that we learnt to make in an online class. It’s all OK. This is a big event. Pause. Take time to get your head around it. There’s no shame in that.
And when you do pause, like me, you’ll find that suddenly it all starts to make some sense. I’m not suggesting that you’ll solve the coronavirus crisis just by taking an afternoon off. But you know what, you might be a little easier on yourself. And others. You might even be able to ask for help if you need it. You’ll be able to lean over your balcony and introduce yourself to a neighbour you’d never spoken to. You’ll find solidarity in clapping for our carers. You might even pick up the phone and call that aunt of yours. The one that manages to reveal embarrassing facts about your childhood at every family do.
You might even be the one reaching out. You might accidentally make a Facebook pub quiz public and raise £100,000 for the NHS like this guy. You might organise Friday check-ins with friends and colleagues, giving each other ideas on what to do during the weekend. You might do interactive exercise classes with the team at Wild Wolf Yoga. You might get involved in research — for example, for In-Touch who are looking at how non-smart screen technologies are changing our communication patterns. At the moment, they’re looking for professionals aged 26–55 who are adjusting to working from home, so now might be a good time to contact them (lili.golmohammadi.18@ucl.ac.uk). And yes, join the next Communitea to see what other insights they uncover. I for one, am definitely going to be there.
Ultimately, we are all transitioning and if ever there was a time to pause and make space for reflection, now is that time. To think what input we want to stream into our lives and what to jettison. There’s an abundance of ways to stay connected, with ourselves and each other. For some, our lives have slowed right down. For some, they have only got busier. Each and every experience is valid. Let’s share them with each other. And we might find that we’re connecting in new ways, despite being at least 2 meters apart.
