About trust and admitting your insecurities
You talk about trusting yourself. I guess that is where it all starts.
But there are so many layers and parts to each and everyone of us. We make sense of the world around us much on an emotional level, basing our interpretations on our prior experiences. Taking a step back and assessing things from a more objective and intellectual point of view is also necessary, but takes a lot of practice. I’m working on it.
My mom once told me I’m a very demanding person. I absolutely disagreed with her. What do you mean? I asked her. I ask nothing from the people around me. I take care of my own shit, I’m really bad at asking others for favors. The only thing I ask from others is honesty. Exactly, she said, you hold people to very high standards and not everyone can handle it.
What she was saying made zero sense to me at the time. That is probably why I remember it. For years I tried to understand and it is only now that I’m beginning to understand.
I’m very confident and assertive. My tolerance for bullshit is low and when faced with it I call people out on it. These are the standards I hold myself to as well. This, I have learned, is intimidating to other people. I never understood why. I mean, why should my confidence make someone else less confident? It’s not a zero-sum game. Now I understand that what makes this intimidating or uncomfortable is the fact that by calling people out I’m forcing them to face their own shortcomings, and that’s no fun.
We make excuses, lie to ourselves, to justify all sorts of things. You can always come up with an excuse to not go to the gym. Maybe you had a really long day, or your wrist hurts a bit, better let it rest. We rationalize not even trying. And we do it to protect ourselves from failing. Because as soon as you try, as soon as you set a goal for yourself you can fail. And despite my confidence, this is what happens to me as well. Why? Because there are areas of my life where I’m not as confident and where I have let my brain play its tricks on me in order to protect myself from disappointment.
For me, my biggest insecurities are when it comes to men and relationships. (Ugh, I hate admitting and writing about this. Stupid brain, why are you making me do this?) I’ve pretty much always been single, and at the age of 37 I don’t think that is normal. Part of the reason why probably has to do with the before mentioned confidence and assertiveness. It has to do with that in two different ways, one external and one internal. Externally it might have scared some people off. Internally because it has enforced my trust in my independence and ability to take care of my own shit. I don’t need anyone, I’m good. My life is good. I’m happy. That is what my brain has been telling me, and what I have allowed it to keep telling me, in order to protect myself. But at the same time, there is this other part of the brain (or maybe it is the heart) that quietly asks if maybe there is just something wrong with me, maybe I’m just not good enough, maybe I’m just not the kind of woman that men fall for. These are painful questions and my answer is to let that other part of the brain yell even louder I’M GOOD, MY LIFE IS GOOD, I’M HAPPY.
But then there is this thing of personal growth and maturing and calling myself out on my own bullshit. So here we are now. I’ve come to admit to myself that I actually do miss the mental and physical intimacy and companionship that comes from a relationship. It’s hard to admit, because it feels like a weakness, and I don’t like having those. So, instead I’m now trying to rewire my brain. I do need someone. I’m good. My life is good. I’m happy. This is the best possible circumstance to meet someone in and find how my life (which is good) can be even better. And if it doesn’t happen, I will be disappointed, it will hurt, but I will still be good.
But yeah, trusting yourself. Tricky business. And while we can be super confident in one aspect of our lives there might still be others where we are not. Right now I feel like this is my final frontier. Once I manage to rewire my brain to fully believe and feel what I just wrote above I will be completely invincible in all aspects of life (shut up, just let me believe it for now). The world won’t stand a chance! Because the thing is, anything in my life that I have put my mind to and wanted to learn, I have succeeded at. So my prior experience tells me, that once I set a goal for myself, and put my mind to it, I will achieve it. It will require hard work and probably some tears, but it is ok. Like someone I used to be friends with once told me: Pain + reflection = Growth.
