Let’s talk about sex
What’s the craziest place you’ve had sex?
Hah, no, actually, that is not what I intend to talk about. I want to talk about something more complex and touchy. First, if you haven’t yet, you should read Garbielle Blair’s post on how all unwanted pregnancies are caused by men. Really, read it. Especially if you are a man and would like to consider yourself my friend, I want you to read it.
The reason this topic has been on my mind lately is of course the new law passed in Alabama, making abortion illegal (and with no exceptions for rape or incest).
Sorry Rosa for jumping topics again, but I can’t get this off my mind.
What I would like to have is an open discussion with both men and women about how we all view sex, consent, and the responsibilities around sexual health and reproduction.
Let’s start with acknowledging that we live in a culture that favors male pleasure and sexuality over female, and that this favoring is often systemic and subconscious. I don’t want any of my male friends reading this to think I think they’re assholes. You are not. But unless we are willing to admit that the playing field is not leveled there will be no change.
I have some questions that I’d like all and any men to answer. Sometimes I’ve talked about these with men I know, but it is always difficult. I don’t want to blame all men for shit some men do. At the same time, I want all good men to open their eyes and see how common a lot of the shit is. So here’s what I’ll do, I’ll write a couple of questions here, and provide a little bit of context. Then my hope is to hear your thoughts. Especially if you’re a man, but ladies, please share your experiences as well (if you want). Keep in mind, I don’t want to play the blame game, I want to understand, and I want you to understand.
First questions:
Why do so many men (men are in majority pretty much everywhere where laws are made) have a need to regulate women’s bodies?
I really struggle to understand this. Alabama might be the latest and one of the most extreme cases, but the same is happening all over the world. Here in Finland, the guy who got the most votes in the recent elections is against permitting women access to abortion. To see the situation in the rest of the world, check this map. If your argument is, that it is not about the woman’s body, it is about the right to life of the unborn fetus I’d like for you to consider this: abortion is a “cure” for an unwanted pregnancy. My follow-up question then is, why are there so many unwanted pregnancies, and why is the responsibility of them placed only on the woman? Where is the discussion about men’s responsibility in getting women pregnant?
Next question.
Have you ever suggested or tried to convince a sexual partner to have intercourse without a condom?
I understand maybe it feels a bit nicer for you without, but you do realize you are then leaving the full responsibility of using contraception on the woman? Do you know how the pill works? Are you familiar with its side effects? For it to work, it has to be taken every day. Side effects are many and common. I was on the pill for a while, my side effects were constant back pain, mood swings (once, I just cried for 4 hours straight), and barely any interest in sex. So, for you to skip the condom, to get some more pleasure, you might be asking your partner to significantly lower her interest in even having sex to begin with. Might be worth considering. Also worth considering, why aren’t there male contraceptives? Or why aren’t vasectomies more common? My understanding is they are largely reversible, and about equally as invasive as getting an IUD as a woman. Again, as with the unwanted pregnancies and abortions in the previous question, it feels like women are left with much of the responsibility.
Last one for now.
How many “no:s” are enough for you?
This goes back to how in our society male pleasure is more important than female pleasure, or even female displeasure. In an intimate situation, with a long term partner or one-night-stand, doesn’t matter, if for some reason the woman does not want to proceed to full on intercourse, how many times will she have to say “no” before you stop trying? Be honest now. In my 37 years of life, one no has never, let me repeat that, NEVER, been enough. After the initial “no” there is always some version of “come on” or “please” or other verbal exchanges letting me understand that I’m not being fair for denying the man his pleasure. Is that ok to you?
I have more questions, but maybe this is enough for a start. I’m honestly interested to hear a man’s side of these, and other issues that I’m not aware of.
