5 Mistakes I Made As an Elder Brother (that almost ruined my younger brother’s childhood)
I Wish I could turn back time…
I got to experience the meaning of being a parent at an early age. I was 9 years old when my younger brother was born.
I saw him go from a sweet, hungry infant to an innocent toddler with the most interesting questions. From being a kid with an interest in astronomy to a teenager becoming a “gym bro”.
I wiped his ass, answered his questions on the existence of God, and motivated him to follow his curiosity even when it changed every week. We stayed up at night watching cartoons, had fights where my loss was inevitable and fooled our parents into buying a computer for “studying”.
I will never be able to fill my parent’s shoes (I don’t have their level of patience), but I’m thankful I got to play a small part in raising my brother.
Parenting is the hardest job in the world. Being an elder sibling is the second hardest (I’m biased).
As an elder sibling, you’re many things to your bro/sister:
- A support system when parents piss all over their dreams
- A motivator when they feel low
- A secret keeper
- A wingman (although he hates it when I give him dating tips)
- A rival during pillow fights
Raising a child humbles you.
The most important lesson I learnt is — 90% of things in life are not in our control. The lessons you taught your kid and the experiences you shared with them will soon be lost in translation as they navigate the outside world through their eyes. After a point, you don’t get to be their guide. You must let them be.
I made a lot of mistakes while growing up with my brother. Here are 5 mistakes I regret the most:
I was not patient:
He’s a kid.
He’s allowed not to eat his veggies. He’s expected to throw tantrums when asked to cut his hair. He’s allowed to be irrational by demanding a Harley Davidson when he just learned how to ride a bicycle.
I often dealt with my brother’s irrationality with impatience. I rushed to conclusions stating “I know what’s good for you!”
I suspended his desires.
I realised I was the one being irrational while he was just being a kid.
I learned to be patient with my younger brother. Instead of dismissing his request, I asked him:
“Why is this important to you?”
“Can you live without it for the next 2 weeks?”
Or when he’s refusing my request I ask:
“Can you help me understand why I’m wrong?”
The more questions I ask, the more patient I become. And the more comfortable he can be with me.
I tried forcing change:
As adults, our minds are filled with preconceived beliefs about the world.
While most of our assumptions may be correct (they are not), I tried imposing my beliefs onto my brother. At first, when he was little, it worked. He was obedient and I was proud of myself.
As he started venturing into the wild (aka high school, house parties and night outs), he began making sense of the world independently.
We were no longer 100% compatible. I forced him to change and go back to the old ways. My ways.
The result? He stopped voicing his opinions to me. He didn’t trust me with his secrets anymore.
I soon realised I was doing what my parents did to me when I was young.
I never tried learning from him:
Ego is a bitch. Just because I was older, I was hardwired to think I was smarter, wiser and more mature.
This led me to miss out on opportunities to learn from him.
Sometimes he was excited to explain why he thought I was wrong and I just shut him down (he tried to retaliate with profanity though).
I’m not proud. These days, I try to hear him more. I don’t want him to feel his thoughts don’t matter. I don’t want to suppress his confidence.
I acted like my parents:
I don’t blame my parents. They did what they thought was best in their eyes.
But as kids, we don’t understand this. We get irritated by our parents when they don’t acknowledge our feelings. We get disconnected from them when they suppress our desires. We stop associating with them as we grow up.
We’ve all been there.
Being an elder brother, I was supposed to shelter my sibling. When my parents didn’t understand him, he counted on me for support.
When my parents neglected his feelings, he turned to me for emotional care.
I’m not gonna lie, I didn’t live up to his expectations all the time.
I acted like my parents in some cases. When I should have been more considerate.
My parents had limited knowledge but not me. I knew better but I still failed.
I was afraid to accept change:
Finally, change sucks! My brother doesn’t need me as much as he used to.
He can make his own decisions. He’s exploring life with his own eyes. He’s choosing how and when he gets to spend his time.
I miss bossing him around.
I miss guiding him every step of the way.
I miss being “right”.
Due to my resistance to change, I have hurt my brother multiple times.
The worst thing you could do to someone trying to make sense of this world is give them a hard time. They’re already confused, anxious and worried.
I don’t force myself onto him. I try to be available as much as possible. I intervene only when necessary.
I observe him more than I instruct him.
It’s the hardest thing I’ve had to do.
Your Takeaway:
If you’re in charge of raising a kid, doesn’t matter if you’re a mother, father, brother, sister or guardian, try to do the complete opposite of the mistakes mentioned above.
There is no right way to raise a kid. But there are a few things we all can do to be better parents/siblings/guardians:
- Be more present
- Acknowledge their feelings
- Give them some alone time
- Let them explore the world on their own
- Stop the hand-holding
- It’s ok to fear change. But don’t restrict it
Remember, being a parent is the hardest thing in the world. Being a sibling is still number 2.
Cheers!
