Do This One Thing To Break Your Habit Of Making Excuses
The blame-shifting syndrome, its cause, and the solution
The blame-shifting syndrome
When I scroll my Instagram, I see a lot of people sharing quotes such as — “Don’t fall for someone who doesn’t feel the same” or “He told me to take the trash out, I thew him away.”
When you go through a heartbreak, it’s absolutely natural to feel a string of emotions that can throw you off balance for a while. It’s absolutely ok to feel what you feel because we are all humans. But the above quotes, I find them problematic because they open the gates for dwelling on your past.
It might start from heartbreak, but it becomes habitual. Blaming could become a part of your nature. It gradually trickles down into other aspects of your life.
Had a bad day? Oh, that’s cause my Uber driver took the long route!
Couldn’t finish the article? I had to take my dog out for a walk.
Whatever happens, you become a specialist in finding causes and conveniently shift the blame on someone. Slowly, you become comfortable in blaming every living and non-living being. It is similar to a disease that worsens when you find someone to validate. Finally, it reaches the point that you will blame your current situation on something that happened half a decade ago.
It’s not because of me.
As a kid, I wanted to be a cricket player. I was bad at it, but I kept trying to improve my skills. Then, after I got my hand fractured when I was 14, the doctor advised me against any physical activity. But I never got back even after a year.
As I grew up, I felt regretful for not playing after the injury (I could have). I started blaming everything I could. Firstly my parents, because they didn’t provide me with enough motivation and support that I needed as a kid. That bike from which I fell. Had I not broken my wrist, I would have become a leading bowler. All the while, I kept blaming something or the other. Deep down, I knew I was trying to serve that as an excuse for not having started playing again.
We all derive pleasure from shifting the blame on someone—a temporary high so that you are excused from all the things that went wrong. So now, you can sit on the sofa, grab a packet of cookies, and binge, all relieved — because the girl or the guy who left you some million years ago has scarred your life. So I will sleep on it. It’s like a drug; when injected gives you temporary relief.
The root cause
I am so nice, so nothing should go wrong with me. I deserve to be happy, so no one should hurt me. It’s a feeling of being entitled to all the joy because I am special. You think of yourself as one prince or princess in your own fairy tale where nothing can make a dent in your castle.
And when someone does, it hurts your ego. You are totally caught off guard.
But I was so nice to her, how could she leave me for another guy?
I don’t have to go through this pain; I never volunteered for it.
Regardless of how hard you get hit in life, no one owes you anything. No closure. Not even an iota of sympathy, neither a hot beverage. You are not special.
Because you think you are, shifting the blame becomes a panacea. It’s easy, doesn’t require much effort, does it?
But does it make you feel better? Oh yeah, it does! So find something to blame for each and everything that has gone wrong in your life.
Two years have gone by, and you are still blaming your ex for being stuck in a job that makes you feel pathetic! Seriously?
Holding yourself accountable
The short-term drug of accusing others of your problems leads to resentment in the long term. Similar to a drug that has perilous effects after prolonged use. It will lead to discontentment in life.
Later, you realize that all the dwelling was just an excuse to sit tight and let the time slip by. All the so-called pain was just a facade to trick your brain.
This does not mean that you should not experience pain at all. We are not robots; we are sentient beings. But using that pain as a shield for your comfort zone is unpardonable.
The liberation from the cycle of excuse and blaming can be achieved by taking accountability for everything that went wrong. It’s making peace with yourself, once and for all.
She broke up with me, that’s fine! But, I hold myself responsible for it because I chose to be with that person.
Entering into an agreement of accountability with yourself opens up a door to move on. It’s scary in the beginning because now, you have no one to blame.
When you blame others, you tell your mind that you have no control over your life, slowly falling into the trap of resentment. Holding yourself accountable will make you gain more control over your life.
I hate my job; ok I need to find something else to make a living
My relationship is in tatters; what can I do to fix it?
The approach changes from finding something to blame to finding a solution. That’s the magic of holding yourself accountable.
But does that mean it’s always my fault?
Of course not; you are not at fault for a prick being racist or a fascist government coming to power. No, you can’t control the weather.
The point here is not about finding the person or the situation at fault. Instead, it’s about doing something to change the situation rather than dwelling.
The weather is terrible, so I can’t go out for meetings. So I need to make use of the extra time in hand. If nothing, spend quality time with your family.
Overthrowing a fascist government would require collective action of getting people to vote against it. To fight against racism or homophobia, you will have to participate in protests and register your support to the communities.
Final thoughts
If I have to encapsulate the central idea of this essay in one sentence, it would be — to change the dwelling mindset that stops you from getting out of your comfort zone and gain control over life.
To gain control over your life, in my opinion, is a step closer to happiness.
