How ESPN stopped a 200-year-old plan to overthrow the United States
If Americans tune in to watch celebrities play basketball and start hearing Win Butler talk about taking care of each other, the consequences would be dire
In 1861, James Naismith, known CANADIAN invents basketball. It slowly grows into one of the United States’ most popular sports.
For the next 150 years, Canada basically sits on the sidelines until the United States is convinced the sport is theirs…
(Meanwhile, the Canadian government secretly communicates the sport’s true origins through Heritage Minute ads no American would ever see).
Then, in the 21st century, secret agent Aubrey Graham, code name “Drake” is sent to infiltrate and master American hip-hop music. After rising to prominence, Drake is called back home, ostensibly to help Canada’s sole basketball team to boost its image.
Persuaded by Drake’s celebrity, the NBA decides to hold an exhibition game in his hometown of Toronto. For “fun” it is CAN vs USA.
During the game, Drake unleashes converted American Win Butler of the band Arcade Fire as Team Canada’s secret weapon, leading his team to victory over the USA. As MVP, Butler is given a platform to speak, live, on American sports television…
Butler, reading from a script written 155 years ago, exposes America to Canadian ideas like “healthcare” and “taking care of each other”. He knows, as Drake knows, as James Naismith knew, that in mere seconds Americans will submit to Canadian superiority once and for all…
For you see, basketball is just one long con. It was designed in the wake of the War of 1812 as a means of peacefully overthrowing the United States. Everything has been leading up to this moment: a sport, a rapper, a singer, all believed by Americans to belong to them, secretly working to spread Canadian socialism across the continent, all from the inside of the American capitalist celebrity machine.
But counteragents at ESPN are too quick! The music starts, the mic is yanked away! Canada is foiled… for now.
Because we know you, America. You’ll soon forget this moment.
But we won’t.
We never forget.
