The Russian Roulette of Online Dating
This is a post for all my single soldiers out there. The shit sex survivors, online dating disasters, the “ what is a creative Hinge promp t?” googlers, the ghosters and the ghosted, the third wheelers, the Valentine’s Day dropouts. I march with you, I respect you, I applaud you.
I admire the fact that you are still standing strong and smiling after countless hours of cramped thumbs and squared eyes in an attempt to swipe for Mr Right. Only to then be faced with the same disappointing stream of the male species, which I like to believe fall into the following four categories:
- Rory, plumber, passive aggressive, 5ft9 (true height of 5ft5), shows at least two gym selfies of him flexing his tattooed arms, and “is happy to lie about where we met”.
- Hugo, Management Consultant, based in Fulham, attends the Henley Regatta and Royal Ascot in the summer, makes a point of putting he went to Charterhouse on his bio, plays rugby, loves Negronis, Mummy and Daddy own a Cavapoochon.
- Brian, tech-entrepreneur, is ‘down to earth’, runs marathons at weekends, loves red wine with a Sunday roast and who finds “intelligence and a sense of humour” attractive.
- Caleb, ‘creative’, lives in Hackney, vegan, almost impossible to depict from his photos as they’re black and white with half his face missing. What is available to view is covered by Raybans and a fisherman beanie.
Trust me, I’m also very much aware of the biography blunders made by us women in the attempt to present ourselves to men in a certain light. You can read more about that in my post ‘Liking Pizza Isn’t a Personality Trait’, coming soon!
Before you all think I have a Bumble-bee in my bonnet, I will point out that I do think online dating can be great. I’ve met some wonderful people and had some amazing memories and relationships with men from dating apps. I love the fact that it connects you with people who you would have otherwise never encountered in your day-to-day life. I love the fact you can meet a total stranger in a bar and by the end of the night you’re snogging each other’s faces off due to the chemistry you’ve created. I love exploring new places in London whilst on dates, and most of all, I love the excitement of building something intimate in those first few weeks and months.
But Sweet Mother of God, it’s exhausting. We all know this, that is why we complain about dating half the time. We delete the apps on and off throughout the year to have a ‘detox’ and ALWAYS plan a first date for a Wednesday night. We put our dating life into the graveyard shift of the week, as we dare not give up a precious weekend evening on the off chance we are faced sitting opposite a Rory, Hugo, Brian or Caleb.
Let’s also not forget that securing, enduring and fancying your date is just battle number one. The real fun starts in the events which unfold thereafter. I don’t like to be a pessimist, but my friends and I have a saying called the ‘three date curse’. This usually occurs around one month in, after we’ve finally finished swiping, filtering, small-talking and full-body shaving. Cracks start to show in our Notting Hill love story, as our Hugh Grant suddenly becomes a little frosty and aloof. A woman’s instinct is never wrong and soon enough we will be faced with one of the following three scenarios:
- Eligible bachelor falls off the face of the planet in what can only be assumed as a horrific abduction, never to be heard from again.
- Eligible bachelor suddenly discloses he has “feelings for his ex” who has conveniently entered back into his life promising to make amends.
- Eligible bachelor has had an epiphany that he is actually “not ready to date”. By far the most infuriating excuse and as if he mistook his Hinge account for a Carpentry Association Society meet-up group.
But we continue to plough on as we attempt to balance out our sense of independence and singleton freedom with the desire to be desired. Why? Because as Ann Landers said, “love is a friendship which has caught fire”. Anyone who has been in love knows this, and anyone who has had their heart broken knows it takes a long time to heal after that fire is put out.
Photo by Rhand McCoy on Unsplash
I’ve learnt so much about myself with every different relationship I’ve been in and the dates I’ve been on. I’ve learnt my boundaries, my desires, my deal breakers and most importantly, my worth. I’m now the happiest, most confident, comfortable version of myself and I truly believe a lot of that is due to the love lessons I’ve learnt.
My biggest lesson from online dating is ensuring I’m proactive when investing time to get to know someone. This is very important, especially as we live in such a throwaway society and seem to find faults in one another all too easily.
I try to take time on every profile, as I attempt to overcome my shallow desires and open up my mind to different men. If I’ve invested an evening in that person, spent my money, time and energy in getting to know them, I will treat them with respect if I don’t see it progressing. I hate ghosting with a passion and think it’s the most cowardly, bizarre behaviour which has sadly sky-rocketed from dating apps. If you aren’t adult enough to acknowledge someone’s existence after physically meeting them, you quite frankly aren’t ready for dating and might need to continue being breastfed for a few more years.
Online dating can be unbelievably fun, exciting and thrilling. However, it’s easy to become slightly addicted and engrossed in seeking virtual attention and ego boosts from people who don’t know or respect you. Enjoy, indulge, but edge on the side of caution. Pining, hoping and relying on dating to make you happy can be a waste of your energy. Learning to love ourselves first is often the hardest step to take towards enjoying a single life.
Look up from the apps, look in the mirror, admire your beauty and appreciate the love you have around you, because you’re not lonely, you’re living life on your own…and that’s strong! We swipe on.
Originally published at http://lookingbothways.co.uk on February 7, 2021.
