Say No To This

(27/46)

Posted by: lordofthehamilton on 11 May 2016

(WETA WORKSHOP, NEW ZEALAND: following Galadriel’s wish, it’s time to briefly see what’s going on outside of Middle-earth)

STUDIO TRAILER VOICE
There’s nothing like living in New Zealand
Mountains upon mountains and what seem like endless fields
Dank sunsets in fresh air, you can smell it
And Peter Jackson’s got an itch. I’ll let him tell it.

PETER JACKSON
I hadn’t swept Oscars in some years
I had tears, awards to take
You never see a fantasy film
Be rewarded, it was great
But years go on awardless
Missin’ Middle-earth
That’s when MGM and New Line walked back into my life, they said

MGM HEAD
I know you are a great director
I’m so sorry we went bankrupt almost
But we’re back you should know, partnered with your old home

PETER JACKSON
They said:

NEW LINE HEAD
Our studio’s needing more
Funds’re down, refunds abound, abundance o’ frowns
Had big plans for crowds in store
Golden Compass wasn’t what we hoped for

PETER JACKSON
So I threw them a bone, I offered to talk on the phone they said

MGM HEAD
A prequel, sir

PETER JACKSON
I didn’t really give a fuck I didn’t walk away
I coulda mocked away, they said:

NEW LINE HEAD
A sequel, sir

PETER JACKSON
Then I said, “well I could produce it”
They nodded, they led me to a friend
He made Pan’s Labyrinth and said

MGM HEAD
Say?

PETER JACKSON
Hey…

NEW LINE HEAD
Hey…

PETER JACKSON
That’s when I began to pray
Lord, show me how to
Say no to this
I don’t know how to
Say no to this
But my God it would be precious
To work more with Andy Serkis

MGM HEAD
Whoa

PETER JACKSON
Nooo, show me how to

PETER JACKSON / HEADS
Say no to this

PETER JACKSON
I don’t know how to

PETER JACKSON / HEADS
Say no to this

PETER JACKSON
In my mind, I’m trying to go

GUILLERMO DEL TORO
Del Toro!

PETER JACKSON
Then I signed a contract and I don’t say

PETER JACKSON / HEADS
No! No!
Say no to this!
No! No!
Say no to this!
No! No!
Say no to this!
No! No!
Say no to this!

PETER JACKSON
I wish I could have stayed a producer
Or contract’s looser. It became a seducer
Onward in the development I received a letter
From Guillermo del Toro, not better, it said:

GUILLERMO DEL TORO:
Dear Pete, I hope this letter finds you in good health
These movies will prosper with enough direction to make wealth
You have experience making movies very long
Think about the one with that monkey, that King-

PETER JACKSON
Konnnnngg-

GUILLERMO DEL TORO
Uh-oh! A short book now prolonged, strung along
So time to bend the knee for the need of studio’s song
And hey, milk this book into two movies
Though that feels cheap. Guess what? Execs now want three

PETER JACKSON
I’m now director and raced to shooting space
Green screens are everywhere, outdoors they replaced
They said

MGM HEAD
Cheaper, sir!

PETER JACKSON
All stressed, super frantic. A mess, they looked
Apathetic, they lied

NEW LINE HEAD
All we can use from Chris Tolkien’s estate, sir!

PETER JACKSON
So is Part One’s story all set up?

GEORGE LUCAS
Say, you wanna get a drink?

PETER JACKSON
Stop trying, goddamit get out!

GEORGE LUCAS
Prequel trilogies really make you think

PETER JACKSON
This is ruined

MGM HEAD
These don’t have to be so perfect

PETER JACKSON
But there’s not enough central conflict

MGM HEAD

Just do fan service stunts and play with frame rates

PETER JACKSON
I don’t want to

MGM HEAD
Whatever you want

PETER JACKSON

I don’t want to

HEADS
They will pay
We will slay

PETER JACKSON
I don’t
Lord show me how to
Say no to this
I don’t know how to
Say no to this
Cuz these prequels are so aimless
Execs just care about the audience

HEADS
That’s right
Audience
Roaaar!
How can fans say no to this!
Yes!
Yes!
Yes!

PETER JACKSON
No show me how to
Say no to this
There is nowhere I can go

GUILLERMO DEL TORO
Del Toro

PETER JACKSON
Stan Tuuch was great, but no one liked Lovely-

GUILLERMO DEL TORO
Bones!

PETER JACKSON
Mess!!
Mess!
Mess!

GUILLERMO DEL TORO
Say no to this!
Say no to this!
Say no to this!
Say no to this!

STANLEY TUCCI & GUILLERMO DEL TORO
No!
Say no to this!
No!
Say no to this!
No!
Say no to this!

PETER JACKSON
Say no to this
I didn’t say no to this
This is such production hell

HEADS
Don’t say no to this

STANLEY TUCCI & GUILLERMO DEL TORO
Go go go

IAN MCKELLEN
The hell?

PETER JACKSON
At least Lord of the Rings still holds up really well