The Gloom Where it Happens

(28/46)

Posted by: lordofthehamilton on 11 May 2016

(SHELOB’S LAIR: Frodo and Sam, fallen behind Gollum, navigate their way through a dank series of caves, filled with skeletons of Orcs and other creatures, wrapped up in spider webs)

FRODO
Ah this is scary

SAM
We’ll get to Barad-dûr, sir

FRODO
At least the good news is Galadiel’s mercy

SAM
What?

FRODO
Eärendil star

SAM
Eh?

FRODO
She bestowed it upon me. The bright star can help us see, I concur

SAM
Sure

FRODO
Hmm, I think we’re going to die

SAM
That’d be a lot less work

FRODO
We shouldn’t give it a try

SAM
Sans Gollum how you think we’re gonna get all through?

FRODO
It doesn’t matter Samwise, I’m here with you

SAM
Aw —

FRODO
“Where the ring less. Don’t heed its call”

SAM
Ironic…

FRODO
Do whatever it takes to cause Gollum’s plan to here befall

SAM
Now, Gollum bested Smeagol, merciless

FRODO
Guess we shoulda seen it coming

GOLLUM
Hobbitses!

FRODO
Come on, Samwise, we gotta go

SAM
Kay

FRODO
Lingering here is kinda bumming

SAM
Two small hobbits and an ingrate climb up Cirith Ungol

SAM AND DEAD SKELETONS
Wild, clueless bare, unprepared

SAM
We’ll emerge, we surmise, without opening doors of —

SAM AND DEAD SKELETONS
The Black Gates, we dare

SKELETON
Scare!

GALADRIEL
Now Gollum emerges with a precedented and scamming power
A scheming he can use to grab the Ring from them
The Hobbits submerge through the gloomy cave’s tunnel
And here’s the pièce de résistance:

SAM
No one else was in
The gloom where it happened
The gloom where it happened
Toward Mount Doom where it happened
No one else was in
The gloom where it happened
The gloom where it happened
Toward Mount Doom where it happened
No one really knows how the game is played
The smart of the preyed

SAM AND DEAD SKELETONS
How Halfling sausage could get made
We just assume that it happens

SAM
But no one else is in

SAM AND DEAD SKELETONS
The gloom where it happens.

SAM AND DEAD SKELETONS
Gollum claims —

GOLLUM
Tricksty Baggins was on at the pool’s shoreline that day
He distressed we woulds be safe

SAM AND DEAD SKELETONS
Gollum claims —

GOLLUM
Baggins said —

FRODO
We’ve no reason here to hurt!

GOLLUM
And basic’ly took our little fish away

SAM AND DEAD SKELETONS
Gollum claims —

GOLLUM
We only want the Bagginsses dead
We know we hates them so let’s see them try to get away

SAM AND DEAD SKELETONS
Gollum claims —

GOLLUM
Well, we arranged the creepings
We arranged the stairway, the gameplay, the schemings

SAM
But!
No one else was in —

SAM AND DEAD SKELETONS
The gloom where it happened
The gloom where it happened
Toward Mount Doom where it happened

SAM
No one else was in —

SAM AND DEAD SKELETONS
The gloom where it happened
The gloom where it happened
Toward Mount Doom where it happened

SAM
No one really knows what fate’ll

GOLLUM
Happen to Bagginsss

SAM
Smeagol will try to sacrifice us

GOLLUM
Kill them kill them YESSSS

SAM
He’ll just assume that it happens
But no one else was in
The gloom where it happens

GOLLUM 
Meanwhile —

SAM
Eärendil is helpin with the fact that we can’t see shit since this place, it’s super creepy

GOLLUM
Meanwhile–

SAM
I’m on this and fighting over spider scurrying, aw hell
It isn’t pretty
Then Shelob sadly approaches Frodo with a stinging and a bite
And Frodo don’t have time to put up a good fight

(Frodo, stung by Shelob, slowly gets wrapped up in her web)

FRODO
Maybe I can make it one song without another kind of injuries for me, it’s all I can really plea

GOLLUM
Oh-ho!

FRODO
You hear me?

GOLLUM
Don’t count your fingersees

FRODO
Are you fucking kidding me?

GOLLUM
Gollum, not Smeagol

FRODO
I’m getting wrapped up stickily

GOLLUM
And youse provides us with Precious, whee!

FRODO
Samwise, kill this creep, please!

SAM
Okay

GOLLUM
No!

SAM
 — one else was in
The gloom where it happened

SAM AND DEAD SKELETONS
The gloom where it happened
The gloom where it happened
No one else was in
The gloom where it happened
The gloom where it happened
Towards Mount Doom where it happened

SAM
Frodo!

SAM AND DEAD SKELETONS
Gollum we trusted
But we’ll never really know what got discussed
Click-boom then it happened

SAM
And no one else was in the gloom where it happened

DEAD SKELETONS
Smeagol, no it’s Gollum, yes!

SAM
What did we do to you to get you to sell us hobbits down the river?

DEAD SKELETONS
Smeagol, no it’s Gollum, yes!

SAM
Who thought Tolkien would have another threat of spider dinner?
Was it The Hobbit’s precedent pressure to deliver?

DEAD SKELETONS
Smeagol, no it’s Gollum, yes!

SAM
Or did you know, even then, it doesn’t matter
I fought Shelob, beat crap outta her

GOLLUM
Soon we’ll have Precious
You’ll be here to rot

SAM
This won’t be Frodo’s grave

GOLLUM
And we wants it what you gots
When you gots ring in the game, you stay in the game
But you don’t get a ring unless you play in the game
Oh, yes we wants it. We hates you for it
We gets nothing if we…

SAM AND DEAD SKELETONS
Slay for it, slay for it, slay!

SAM
Gaffer, help give me worth
I’m just a gardner
But I’m gonna
Save Middle-Earth

GALADRIEL / GAFFER / GOLLUM / SKELETONS
What do you want, Sam?
What do you want, Sam?
If you, Sam, does nothing
Mordor will surely command!

MUMMIFIED FRODO
What do you want, Sam?
What do you want, Sam?
What do you want, Sam?
What do you want?

SAM
I’m
Gonna take the ring to 
The doom where it happens
Mount Doom when it happens
I’m
Gonna take the ring to 
The doom where it happens
Mount Doom when it happens

I’m
Gonna take the ring to 
The doom where it happens
Mount Doom when it happens
I’m gonna be in the doom…
Oh
Oh
I’m gonna take

I’m gonna take
I’ve got to take
I’ve got to take
In the doom
In that big ol’ gloom

SKELETONS
Gonna take the ring to
Mount Doom when it happens
Mount Doom when it happens
Mount Doom when it happens
He’s gonna be in the gloom
Where it happens
Mount Doom when it happens
Mount Doom when it happens
He’s gonna take
Mount Doom when it happens
Mount Doom when it happens
Mount Doom when it happens
Gonna take the ring to
Mount Doom when it happens
Mount Doom when it happens
Mount Doom when it happens

SKELETONS
The art of this great franchise

SAM
Hope, friendship, and little guys

SKELETONS
We want our hobbits to throw it in the fire–

SAM
But we want to retire, back to the good ol’ Shire

SKELETONS
If they carry out this plan, the battles disengage

SAM
We’ll kick start a brand new age

SAM AND MUMMIFIED FRODO
In Mount Doom where it happens

SAM
I’ve got to take the ring
Mount Doom…
I’ve got to take…

SKELETONS
The doom where it happens

SAM
I’ve got to take…

SKELETONS
The doom where it happens

SAM
Oh, I’ve got to take the ring
The doom where it happens…
I’ve got to take, I’ve gotta take, I’ve gotta take…
To Mount Doom!

SKELETONS
I wanna be in the doom
Where it happens!

To Mount Doom!