Weird Old Man Battle, #1

(25/46)

Posted by: lordofthehamilton on 11 May 2016

(FLOODED ISENGARD: the Helm’s Deep crew, along with Merry & Pippin, approach Orthanc, from which Saruman perches atop)

GIMLI
Wizards, elf, Ents, and men, you coulda been anywhere in Middle-earth tonight, but you’re here with us in flooded Isengard. Are you ready for some wizards jeering?

The issue on the table: Saruman the White Wizard’s plan to assist Sauron’s reign and establish a national genocide. Saruman the White Wizard, make it fast, ass.

SARUMAN
Despite history, I’m in pursuit of what comes next
Men fought, see the appeal, but they shouldn’t meddle with us
These are wise words, comprising things I’ve noted
Don’t act surprised, Wizards are real dope

WORMTONGUE
Ooooh

SARUMAN
And Gandalf here forgets
His plan would have the wiz council assume he’s white
Now, think about who wore this first, yep that’s right!
The one from the top of this tower tonight!

WORMTONGUE
So true!

SARUMAN
Ooh got the white hand, bear it!
Wild men owe me a debt!
Why shouldn’t they wear it? Uh! My trees got paved, no complaints
Don’t be so lax with Sauron cuz he’ll be remade in the shade
In his Mordor, where’s there’s orcs all around
We create Uruk-hai, we breed them in the ground
This substantial plan is keen don’t you understand
And there’s too many damn orcs for any man to withstand
Stand with me, and earn his mercy
And pray to him lest you suffer great inadequacy
Look, when Sauron reigned free there was anarchy
Imagine what gon’ happen when you stand ‘gainst him and me!

GIMLI
Thank you, Saruman the White Wizard. Gandalf the White Wizard, your response:

GANDALF
Sauron — oops, your name is quite a deviation
Welcome little copy cat, with your cute tower replication
Would you like to join us, and stop this war?
Not doing whatever the hell that red eye does in Barad-dûr
If we assume you correct, no one gets
Any kind of freedom, something to heed, son
How do you not concede, chum? Don’t be so aggressive and competitive
There’s only one white wiz. You’d rather have to edit it?
A color lesson from an old guy. Want some grey dye?
You reign is a laugh so you don’t get a staff!

(Gandalf uses his magic to break Saruman’s staff)

GANDALF
“We breed Uruks in the ground. We create.”
Yeah, keep ranting
We know this place got flooded from plant men
And another thing, Mr. New-Power-is-a-Rising
Don’t lecture me about the war, you just sat chastising
You think I’m frightened of you, man?
We almost died in Helm’s Deep
While you were off chatting up that small creep
That Grima Wormtongue, always persistent as an assistant
In this instance, there isn’t a plan he shows brilliance
Saruman you’re a sour superior moron, now we storming
Damn, Orthanc’s in worse shape than the Hornburg was in
Sittin’ there useless as a heart attack
Hey, turn around, behind you Grima’ll show you
A knife in the back

(Wormtongue stabs Saruman’s back)

GIMLI
Excuse me! Legolas, Legolas, send a shot. Legolas, send a shot! This byzantine’s dafter than a thief who’ll confess. Legolas!

LEGOLAS
Yes!

GIMLI
A shot

THEODEN
You don’t have a staff!

GANDALF & THEODEN
You don’t have a staff!

SARUMAN
Ach-ah-ah-ah

GANDALF & THEODEN
You’re gonna need more magical powers and you don’t have a staff

SARUMAN
This ain’t fun, sometimes it makes me wonder why I even hang with Wormtongue

THEODEN
Why you even hang with Wormtongue?

GIMLI
You wanna shoot him together?

LEGOLAS
I’m sorry, this villains are birds of a feather

WORMTONGUE
Pale elf, I’m a villain, so watch your mouth!

GANDALF
We should go to Rohan, or Mordor in the south

THEODEN
You need a staff!

GANDALF
He does, what a laugh! What’s his plan?

GIMLI
That’s why I need to convince Legolas

GANDALF
Wiz Saruman won’t talk to me, no more ardor

SARUMAN
Singing was easy, Gandalf. Suffering’s harder

GANDALF
That’s obviously adequate

SARUMAN
Grima stabbed me, a great surprise!

GANDALF
Can we go off to Rohan, we’re wasting time?

SARUMAN
Your actions say otherwise

GANDALF
What happens if I give Gimli’s plan approval?

SARUMAN
I imagine two more villains’ removal?

GANDALF
Fire!

GIMLI
Wipe them out, Legolas, friend. That’s an order from our commander.

(Legolas fires an arrow which hits Wormtongue. He falls against Saruman, pushing him off of Orthanc. Saruman dramatically crashes downward, dropping a Palantír on the way…)