Weird Old Man Battle, #2

(30/46)

Posted by: lordofthehamilton on 11 May 2016

(MINAS TIRITH: Gandalf leads Pippin to meet Boromir’s father, Lord Denethor, Steward of Gondor)

GANDALF
The issue on the table: Gondor is on the verge of war with Mordor, and will Rohan provide aid and send their fellow allies, or do they stay out of it? Remember, Denethor’s decision on the matter is not subject to kingly approval. He’s only a Steward and he’s crazy. Myself and Pippin enter his hall.

DENETHOR
When you were attacked, my son’s horn did holler
Yet he died? Is it because he’s taller?
We needed saving, the ring he would hand it here
Now do I have any sons?

GANDALF
Faramir

DENETHOR
In addition, I know who rides with you
I’ve heard these rumors about who’s in your crew
I’m a Stew, my friend, I won’t let in a supposed successor
This coronation is messy, I’m staying here though and through 
No room for another as he fights against legacy
I know of this Aragorn, a ranger you see and this
Is not a throne for him to take
I’ll remind you that there is already a steward who is great 
He knows nothing of sovereignty 
Smells kinda funny, dresses like soiled sheets
Desperate to rise above ancestors
It’s too bad I don’t care about his new sword

PIPPIN
Boo!!

DENETHOR
Hey, and if ya don’t know, now ya know, Mr. Peregrin

GANDALF
Thank you, Steward Denethor. Your pledging Halfling, your response

PIPPIN
You must be out of your goddamn mind if you think
That Boromir was gonna give you that damn Ring
He meddles in the middle of Frodo’s quest
And he was a mess, and Gondor here is kingless
You’re getting greedy, you’ve got a second son who’s a fine class
Sun didn’t shine outta Boromir’s ass
So many arrows, they could be his bed
Too bad they’re stuck inside him, he’s super dead

GANDALF
Enough. That’s a low-blow, Pip

DENETHOR
You insolent —

GANDALF
We should be allied, not start another fight

PIPPIN
Denethor, do we not fight for freedom?

DENETHOR
Sure, when Gondor figures out who’s gonna lead ‘em

PIPPIN
But Mordor is marching —

GANDALF
Evil’s conspiring 
There’s no difference. Frankly, it’s a little disquieting you would let your ideals blind you to reality.
Peregrin!

PIPPIN
Sir?

GANDALF
Let’s light the beacons of badassery

PIPPIN
Did you forget Denethor?

GANDALF
What?

DENETHOR
Have you an ounce of regret?
Me second born of me is not accumulating power
For in this hour of need, I want Sean Bean

GANDALF
Faramir’s a smart man, he’ll be fine
You’ll love him by the end, give it time
If we try to fight in every family squabble in the world, we never stop
Where do we draw the line?

PIPPIN
So quick-witted

GANDALF
Yeah, well, I’m a wizard

DENETHOR
And Boromir could’ve been too!

GANDALF
That doesn’t make sense you halfwit

DENETHOR
Yeah. Well…I heard you lost duels with a fire

PIPPIN
That means he’s badass

DENETHOR
Where’s my palantír? I’ll make a pyre

GANDALF
Peregrin!

PIPPIN
To the beacons!