Gang Girl Realities Five: Getting Rid of The Hair
I Didn’t Know There Was An Orderly List I Could Use To Escape Gang Life
I want to cry. My old looks — all of them — were about trying to get people to compliment me because I never felt loved enough. The nails the hair, the clothes, all of it, was about me trying to get people to tell me that I was beautiful, so I could have a reason, to feel good about myself.
I needed, throughout my entire life, extra love, extra protection, I was needy, and I couldn’t vocalize why.
It became about getting attention from men, because other girls hated me, and probably rightfully so. I wasn’t self-aware, I was too engrossed in the world of PTSD to understand that I wasn’t really the greatest person to be around.
But. I was beautiful.
That’s all that mattered. I didn’t need to be smart, or educated at work, I needed to know how to clean a bathroom and pick up the telephone. I didn’t need to be smart or at the club, I just needed to look good.
For years this was my life, even before the club, it was always about how I looked, my nail beds, my hair, everything coveted by white women who constantly loved to pet me. It’s absolutely no wonder that I learned to crave attention based on my body, I only ever knew how to feel loved, when someone was hurting my body or telling me how to make it better.
Surrey Crew changed that. A group of wild, beautiful, powerful, inspiring friends, who loved me, and didn’t care that my boobs or ass were too big, all we cared about was having fun and enjoying each other’s company, and I think for the most part we did.
And so to return to that, I saved my matted hair, I cut it all off today and I haven’t ever felt more like “me”.
Maybe that’s weird, maybe it’s my Brittany Spears moment, but whatever it is, at least I never have to hear the words “I love your hair,” from someone who’d just as soon rip it off as pet me like I’m an animal.
Sending all my love,
Devon J Hall