I Am Not Going To Forgive Because “That’s What Jesus Would Do,”

Bitch, I Am Not, Have Never Been, and Will Never Be, Jesus

Photo by Lan Gao on Unsplash

TRIGGER WARNING: This essay may be difficult to consume, so please take a moment before reading, during reading, and after, to check in with yourself and make sure you are okay.

So in British Columbia, we have something called the Skytrain, it takes us from one side of the lower mainland to the other, in about 45 minutes. It’s a really great and easy way to travel. And because people are people, there are these officers called SkyTrain Police, and while they don’t have jurisdiction in all of BC, when it comes to the train they are the higher power.

I was gang-raped by one of these officers, and not too long after he got shot. People ask me a lot how I can forgive some rapists, and not others and the answer is simple to me.

“Some of the men who raped me were groomed to become rapists, and they were beaten into submission, others, however, chose to be rapists, and they did so because they liked the power that came with humiliating me and making a Black girl beg on her knees for clemency, while she made promises to forget what happened, in order to save her own life.” — Devon J Hall, Loud Mouth Brown Girl

The man who raped me was an officer with the Skytrain police system, and he told me flat out that he had plans to commit more rapes — specifically against women who he would work with when he finally got to join the Vancouver or Surrey RCMP or Police and joined the sex-crimes unit.

I tried to tell the police this, and I even gave them his name, but because I did it after he was shot, they think that I am making it up, to make excuses for the person who shot him, so they didn’t bother investigating at the time. I don’t know where they are now with it, but I know what he said to me, so I don’t care that he got shot, I wish he’d been shot in the head.

I’m supposed to forgive him because people everywhere tell me that this is what Jesus would do, and my response lately is according to who? The bible?

The same bible written by men and supported by a church that used to castrate little boys so that they would have a higher-pitched singing voice for longer amounts of years?

The same church that is responsible for billions of abuses perpetrated against Black and Indigenous folk around the world? The same church that protects abusers by paying off the victims and then moving the abusers to a different church so they can continue to abuse? That Jesus?

No thanks.

The Jesus I believe in wouldn’t understand “The Church,” as it exists today. He didn’t preach abuse and actively taught against abusing children but celebrated their lives. Meanwhile, the MEN who wrote about him, (and it was always men apparently, in any “authorized” book,) were responsible for millions of killings that continue today.

But that was then.”

Excuse me?

When exactly did we decide as a fully formed society that we were going to put the needs of the vulnerable and victimized ahead of those who abuse us? When did we as a society decide that it’s okay to create cults that are dependent on the destruction of children in order to infuse the adults with the power they don’t deserve?

I know grown-ass men who refused to get a job, and instead turned their children into gangsters, so that their kids could sell drugs, and allegedly murder people, in order for their parents to live nice cushy lives without ever actually having to work for anything. But they have the name, so “you better stay away, their son is crazy.” Yeah because his parents are fucking lunatics.

The other day I overheard a conversation in which my ex-boyfriend claims I’m responsible for the death of MY unborn child because I was taking pills and drinking while pregnant.

He neglected to mention that while that was happening I was prescribed 600 milligrams of lithium, and he was pouring the booze and pills down my throat, while I lay in bed completely unable to move or fight back, even if I had known that I should have fought back.

I didn’t know I was pregnant, but he did. That’s why he threatened to throw me out of windows and off balconies, it’s why he kept pressuring me to pick baby names, and it’s why he pulled me down the stairs a few days after Christmas, while his mother waited in the car to take us to their house for Christmas after dinner.

I was embarrassed and chose not to go, and when he came home that night he raped me, and while he was doing that, I was having a miscarriage. He didn’t mention to whomever he was speaking to, that he refused to take me to a hospital and wrapped his legs around me so I couldn’t move while I cried myself to sleep — silently, because he was trying to sleep.

Yeah he didn’t mention these things, but I’m the bad guy, I’m the one who killed my child. I didn’t kill my baby, he did, and he got away with it because no one believed me.

This kind of abuse happens all the time, but we don’t pay attention to the victims and when we do we tell them to “get over it,” having no idea how all-consuming the grief they are carrying is for them. And it needs to stop.

I don’t need to forgive that cop for raping me, and I don’t need to feel bad for wishing he was dead. I also don’t need to feel bad for my ex-boyfriend who chose a name for our unborn child, killed that child, then got another woman pregnant, named that child the same name HE picked for MY kid, then handed that child to me while saying “this could have been our kid.”

That’s some evil, fucked up shit. But I’m the bad guy for having hate in my heart? No. I’m allowed to have hate in my heart because it fuels my desire to heal, to be better than these men, better than the men who raised them, better than the police, doctors, and lawyers, who swear up and down that I’m crazy, while simultaneously being handed stacks of evidence that proves that I am not.

I’m not crazy, but the justice system is absolutely lazy.

It’s easier to go after someone for 10–50 grams of cocaine than it is to go after the person who provided that cocaine. Because the PROVIDER is a part of a cartel, and the cartel has thousands of members and they have access to millions of dollars.

If you aren’t willing to fight the demon, then it only gets bigger, better, more confident, and more dangerous.

Those of us that are out here every single day trying to fight the demons know that they exist, but because people can’t see our struggle they only see us fighting in the air.

Just because you can’t see the evil doesn’t mean it’s not there, and being comfortable isn’t going to save this world.

“Lucian: ”I guess it never occurred to you that you might actually have to bleed to pull off this little coup.” — Lucian, Underworld

I bled. I’m probably not done bleeding, but I can honestly promise you, that if I am going to die, it’s not going to be at the hand of the men who abused me. It’s going to be after a long, bloody battle, of telling the entire world, that I already told them so.

Sending all my love,

Devon J Hall

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Devon J Hall @LoudMouthBrownGirl

Devon J Hall @LoudMouthBrownGirl

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I Am The Loud Mouth Brown Girl, from Surrey BC. Author, Author & Artist, Dancer, Singer, Cannabis Educator, and Advocate. I am All this and more.