I Just Want A True Single Girl Summer
I’ve Never Had One…Is This My Year?
My women friends are some of the best people I know. However, they are also deeply entrenched in long term, never going to end, relationships, meanwhile I am single.
And honestly? While I love my friends, one of the things I don’t want to spend the summer doing is hearing about their children, am I alone?
The problem is I can’t even really complain about hearing about my friends kids because I love my friends kids, and I WANT to hear about them. I want to know what’s going on specifically because it’s a hell of a lot more interesting than anything happening with me.
I just do want to have an epic fucking summer though. I’ve never really had one. I’ve never had time, I was either in healing mode, survival mode, or trauma mode, for my whole life, and not in that order, but nonetheless, I was fucked all the way up for decades.
I finally have space to heal, to create, to be myself, and honestly I don’t know what to do with myself. I’ve been talking about going back to work for four years and in that time I’ve been unhoused, had a broken ankle, and I am just finally starting to feel like I can take another step forward.
But the problem is that I feel like I can only take one, singular, individual, sole, step alone.
I can’t ask my friends to get me a job, because they all work in industries I want nothing to do with, and I can’t ask my mom for the same reason. So I have to go find one on my own.
I’m not worried about that, I always get the job, but then something always comes up and usually it has something to do with my race, without it being directly about my race, and eventually I am gently “let go.”
This has happened in almost every job but the church and usually it’s because the person firing me is a racist, not because I don’t do good work. Thus I am worried because I am now for the first time in my life, fully aware of what I have working against me. In the past I was completely naive and I didn’t have a support system to help me.
As a forty-something adult I feel much different going into the work force than I did at twenty-one. I know that I have a large eight almost nine year gap in my resume, but I was busy writing books and changing my corner of the world and so I don’t see this as a bad thing?
I do see it as a sign of my dedication when I am working on a project, and I think that everything that I’ve built can only get better as I have a working income again to invest back into my business.
I want to be a success, and that means that I need to find balance between work, and work, and more work, but it also feels ogod
