Mar 6, 2021
It’s Time To Talk About How Much Jealousy Affects Our Lives
Whatever you do with your life, people are going to be jealous of you. How you handle it, is entirely on you.
In my 20’s, I was an emotionally, spiritually, and physically, broken version of myself. I was jealous. Like all the time, of everyone around me, and the thing is, that I didn’t even realize that I was jealous and insecure, or that my behavior was affecting those around me.
Today for the first time in my life, I went to the mailbox to see what if anything had arrived, even though I wasn’t expecting anything. In that mailbox were three copies of a magazine called WhoLife Journal, that I had recently written for.
I had such a moment of “holy shit, I’m here, my dreams are coming true,” and as I write this, I want to cry for all the people that I’d ever hurt, or crossed, along my path.
I don’t feel good about the fact that I hurt others, or that my success means that someone else has to wait for their dreams to come true, but nor do I regret the choices that I made that got me to this position.
It’s such an interesting place to be, at the beginning of my journey, understanding that I wasn’t perfect, understanding that I am trying to make amends to those of my past with the work of my present.
Part of being where I am right now is knowing that on the other side of my success is knowing that there are other people out there in the world who still resent me. Who outright hate me, because of the fact that the world is finally starting to recognize me.
When I look back to that jealous person who used to steal, who used to take what wasn’t hers, just because she wanted it, and she thought she deserved it, simply because she existed, I recognize a very traumatized, very broken human being.
I recognize that I see someone who didn’t understand that she had work to do, who just thought that you take what you want in this world because that’s what she had been taught. She didn’t know better, because the foundational influences in her life, were abusers who violated her in every possible way.
So I make exceptions for my past behavior, while simultaneously understanding that being traumatized isn’t an excuse to be a bitch…and frankly my dears, I was a bitch.
I wasn’t fun to be around. I made fun of people who looked like me, I refused to support people doing the same thing I was doing just because they were getting attention and I wasn’t — I was really uncomfortable, to be around as a human being.
I made life harder for all those around me by choosing not to be open to my insecurities and refusing to be emotionally aware of how my behavior affected those around me.
The difference between then and now is that I work really hard at being authentic. I talk about why I am jealous and insecure. And yes, Instagram Models who look beautiful and happen to be smart as hell, I am jealous of you, but I also respect the amount of work you put into building your own empires because I know that behind the scenes you struggle more than you talk about.
When I look at my future self, I see someone who is powerful, talented and has taken the time to really invest in the lessons of those around her.
I see someone who is willing to put in the work, to show the world that she wants to be a part of the conversations that inspire change. I want to be a part of conversations that influence the lives of others for the better, and it’s more than just proving that I deserve to be there.
At the core, my job, as the Loud Mouth Brown Girl, is to make space, to elbow my way into rooms that I’ve been locked out of, and to bring every single Brown girl in the world with me. Not as a leader, not as someone leading the charge, but as someone willing to do what it takes to get the work done.
For more than four hundred years, Brown and Black women have suffered at the hands of white men and women. And as I look around a sea of white faces, I see that there are things that need to change if we as a collective are going to survive, and for the first time in my entire life, I believe that I can be a part of making the dream of those changes, a reality.
It took me a really long time to get here, and I understand that on the outside of my journey, there are going to be people who want to continue to believe the worst in me, but that’s their problem to deal with. Not mine.
I know full well when someone tells me that they support me, whether or not they mean it, and I recognize that I can’t scream and yell at everyone who doesn’t support me. But what I can do, is ensure that I choose to deliberately be happy for those who are around me.
What I can do, what I do, do, on a regular basis, is choose to wish those who are succeeding, more success, because it just feels good.
Being jealous and insecure doesn’t feel good, it makes you feel itchy and uncomfortable. It makes you believe that you’re never going to be happy, that you’re never going to succeed, because someone else got there first, or because they did it differently than you would do it.
When you focus on “why them instead of me?” instead of on “how can I do this differently?” you’re not putting good energy into the air, you’re contributing to the struggle of the person who is fighting to make their dreams come true. Is that who you want to be? It’s certainly not who I want to be.
But I didn’t realize that until this year. I didn’t realize that for most of my life I was a jealous brat, who had decided that I was going to take whatever I want, in spite of those who surrounded me and wished the best for me.
There are so many amazing writers out there in the world, like Allison Gaines, Tee, WEOC - Writer & Editor of Color, Marley K., Rebecca Stevens A., phenomenal writers from Writers and Editors of Color. Every single day I look at their work in awe. Every day one of them writes something that I wish I had written, or says something that I wish I had been inspired to say.
But I am not jealous of them, I am just happy to be included in their working group. I am thrilled that I get to say “I’m a Writer and Editor of Color”. I couldn’t have said that ten years ago, not just because it didn’t exist, but because I wasn’t doing the work that “I” needed to do, to get where I am today.
I had to wait ten years for Tee, WEOC - Writer & Editor of Color, and Allison Gaines to start this group, and if I had known ten years ago that this group was coming, life might have been a bit easier on me.
For some people, seeing me for the first time might make you feel like I’ve come out of nowhere, but the truth is that those who are doing the things you want to be doing have been out here for a very long time.
Tee, WEOC - Writer & Editor of Color has been writing her entire life, and she just started #WEOC a few months ago. It takes time to get where we want to go, the journey is not the destination.
Instead of thinking “why not me, why her?” nod to yourself and give yourself a reminder that your time WILL come because you are absolutely doing the work to get where you want to go. The journey might be slow, but take note of all the amazing experiences you’re having along your path because those experiences are going to be fuel for the fire in the future.
I promise little sister, it’s going to happen, you’ve earned it, not because you exist, but because you are absolutely doing the work to get where you are going.
To all the people of my past, thank you. Thank you for accepting me, pushing me, challenging me, and reminding me that I am who I am because this is who I want to be. To all the people that I hurt, I am sorry, but from here on out, everything I do is dedicated to the memory of you. I hope to make you proud of me one day.
Sending all my love,
Devon J Hall
