It’s Time To Talk About How Much Jealousy Affects Our Lives

Whatever you do with your life, people are going to be jealous of you. How you handle it, is entirely on you.

This was me at nineteen, refusing to look at the camera because I didn’t think I was beautiful enough to let myself be really seen. I keep this photo as a reminder of how far I have come.

I don’t feel good about the fact that I hurt others, or that my success means that someone else has to wait for their dreams to come true, but nor do I regret the choices that I made that got me to this position.

It’s such an interesting place to be, at the beginning of my journey, understanding that I wasn’t perfect, understanding that I am trying to make amends to those of my past with the work of my present.

So I make exceptions for my past behavior, while simultaneously understanding that being traumatized isn’t an excuse to be a bitch…and frankly my dears, I was a bitch.

I wasn’t fun to be around. I made fun of people who looked like me, I refused to support people doing the same thing I was doing just because they were getting attention and I wasn’t — I was really uncomfortable, to be around as a human being.

The difference between then and now is that I work really hard at being authentic. I talk about why I am jealous and insecure. And yes, Instagram Models who look beautiful and happen to be smart as hell, I am jealous of you, but I also respect the amount of work you put into building your own empires because I know that behind the scenes you struggle more than you talk about.

When I look at my future self, I see someone who is powerful, talented and has taken the time to really invest in the lessons of those around her.

For more than four hundred years, Brown and Black women have suffered at the hands of white men and women. And as I look around a sea of white faces, I see that there are things that need to change if we as a collective are going to survive, and for the first time in my entire life, I believe that I can be a part of making the dream of those changes, a reality.

It took me a really long time to get here, and I understand that on the outside of my journey, there are going to be people who want to continue to believe the worst in me, but that’s their problem to deal with. Not mine.

But I didn’t realize that until this year. I didn’t realize that for most of my life I was a jealous brat, who had decided that I was going to take whatever I want, in spite of those who surrounded me and wished the best for me.

There are so many amazing writers out there in the world, like Allison Gaines, Tee, WEOC - Writer & Editor of Color, Marley K., Rebecca Stevens A., phenomenal writers from Writers and Editors of Color. Every single day I look at their work in awe. Every day one of them writes something that I wish I had written, or says something that I wish I had been inspired to say.

This is me last year, at thirty-six, realizing that come hell or high water, I am going to do whatever it takes to make my dreams come true with the time that I have left because life is precious and can be taken from you at any moment.

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Devon J Hall @LoudMouthBrownGirl

I Am The Loud Mouth Brown Girl, from Surrey BC. Author, Author & Artist, Dancer, Singer, Cannabis Educator, and Advocate. I am All this and more.