Who Are You Outside of Christianity?
For The Hardcore Who Believe Genocide…is Just it’s Time to Wake Up
There are some days when I wake up and I rush to join the world, before I take a moment for myself.
People in church will tell you that the time they spend inside the church is meant to bring them closer to God.
I haven’t stepped foot inside a church building since…well since I was twelve years old.
Sure I worked in a church for more than fifteen years, but I never went to church and I certainly didn’t attend mass. I stayed inside the office, or in the kitchen, bathroom or medical office. But I never went into the chapel, why? Because I resent the very notion of God.
When you are introduced to God by way of pedophiles and rapists, who use God to excuse their crimes against you, the very notion of God becomes offensive.
And there’s no amount of welcoming fellowship that will bring me back to the one God theory so don’t even try. I don’t give a fuck if your God loves or hates me, it has absolutely no consequence to me whatsoever.
What does however, is what so many of you are doing in the name of God. From Washington to Hollywood, Detroit to Quebec people around the world are swearing that what is happening right now is “God’s will.”
Forgetting the fact that we are not mindless drones who act upon the will of another. God’s greatest gift — if there is such a creature — was and will always be, free will.
Sure their God said “yo, see that tree? Don’t eat from it,” but he still let them eat the apple, and there were consequences for it sure, but he didn’t stop them. He also didn’t force them. Adam and Eve in that story were presented with a choice and what happened after that was a direct result of their free right to choose their own path.
We all — at a certain point in our lives — come to a crossroads, where we have the power to choose what we’re going to do. Sure we can be influenced, and yes people can give us options that will end up in us getting hurt, but the choice at the end of the day is yours and yours alone.
I have a friend right now whose in prison for murder, there’s a certain part of me that understands in some ways he is very much a victim like myself, but in others he’s incredibly guilty. I’ve spent years trying to unravel all the bullshit that ended up with him in prison and the only thing I have to show for it, is a headache.
Even though he was taken advantage of, even though his life was on the line, he made a stupid choice, said a stupid thing, and a bunch of people ended up dead because of his choice. God didn’t force him to do what he did, he made that choice on his own, and it’s been very…heartbreaking to acknowledge that fact.
The same people who hurt me as a child, are still out there — some are dead, others are in prison, but the majority of them are still out there — and I deeply believe they are the reason my friend is in prison, but it doesn’t change the fact that he made his own choices. Regardless of what was done to us.
For context, I was raped, beaten, and tortured. At one point, my arms and legs were placed the way Jesus was on the cross, and they used a hammer and nails to scar my hands and feet. On purpose. This is the kind of sickness that I was dealing with at fourteen.
Those men made that choice. They did this to me. They forced me to lay down while other boys my age did what they did, and while those boys it could be said, could have made other choices, I’ll point you back to the paragraph where I told you they fucking crucified me to my own bed, just to scar and scare the lot of us.
If you are inside the church you know this shit is happening, so my question is what is keeping you silent? I didn’t escape I got too old to abuse.
That’s an eye opener for some folks, but it’s the fucking truth of it. I became a useless adult they no longer needed to step on and so I was fired and excommunicated. I wear my burning wings with pride, where the fuck are yours?
How many of you faithful flock go to church each week thinking you’re doing your part for humanity but having said nothing about what is happening to the people of Palestine, Sudan, Congo, Haiti, the DRC, Darfur, and other places in the world?
Why are so many of you quiet? I know it’s comfort, but it’s also sloth, selfishness, and the fact that while you can’t physically commit murder, you can watch murder happening and silently revel in the blood being spilled.
It would be easy to say “I’m afraid if I speak up they will come for me,” and many of you will say that when the dust settles. You’ll lift your head high and say “well I didn’t speak out because I was afraid” as if that’s a good enough excuse.
The problem with letting fear win, is that if you choose not to speak up because you’re afraid of what they’ll do to you, they’ll do it anyways and say you fucking wanted it.
The people I grew up with — I don’t call you folks friends — were just like me. A great many of them were being abused in horrendous ways, and none of us were talking about it. I suspect it’s because in The Roman Catholic Church — and in other churches — they don’t teach you the abuse continues.
They teach the abuse happened.
Happened.
Past tense.
As if it’s not still happening, and when you *are* abused, they tell you that:
Racism isn’t racism and you don’t understand.
Abuse isn’t abuse and it’s not meant that way.
You wanted it.
It’s your fault.
You should have been better behaved.
And other lies they tell you to keep you close.
The church is not a sanctuary. It was meant to be, it was supposed to be, but the Roman Catholic Church as it stands now, not the Church of Jesus Christ (which is just as fucking twisted and evil by the way.) was built by murderers, child killers, and rapists, so what more can we expect from a legacy built on blood?
At the end of the day, inside the church, or outside, no matter the denomination, your choice to remain silent on the genocides happening around the world, your choice to remain silent on journalists and doctors, children and adults being murdered for no reason other than Israel’s blood lust is yours, not God’s.
I keep ending my essays lately with the idea that you have the power to transform the path of this entire planet. You just have to decide which side of the spectrum you’re going to swing your ax to.
We don’t need more letter campaigns, we don’t need more protests, what we need are leaders to come forward and show the world that change is possible, that the road to Hope isn't paved with blood. I know you’re out there, I just hope you can hear me.
Sending all my love,
Devon J Hall, The Loud Mouth Brown Girl
