Yes I Am An Angry Black Woman
But The Point Is I Shouldn’t Have To Be
When I was a little girl, I remember proudly announcing to my grade seventh class, that I “Couldn’t wait…” to move to America.
They didn’t understand the love and passion that I had for what was then called the United States of America, but neither did I. I just knew that New Orleans was in the USA, and I desperately wanted to be in a place where everyone looked like me.
I didn’t know at the time that my people came from Jamaica, by way of Barbados, I didn’t know at the time that my folks on my Dad’s side were enslaved by a royal family.
I just knew that in New Orleans, many people were Biracial, and had different shades of skin and that a lot of those shades looked like mine.
The problem with my wanting to live in America was at the time I lived right next door to an army base, and all the kids I went to school with were what we called “Army brats,” and yes, they were brats and bullies.
But the important part was that many of them had traveled the world, and they had seen things about America that I couldn’t grasp as a nine or ten-year-old.
As an adult, I see America with very different eyes. From the beginning days of America’s colonization over Turtle Island, I’ve seen the bloodshed in the name of building America.
And now I am witnessing that same kind of blood being shed in the name of building Israel.
The parallels between the colonization of Africa, America, and Palestine are so close that it is not calming to be on this side of history.
Regardless of whether or not I say the right things, being on this side of history — the side of history where my government is complicit in the murder, rape, and maiming of millions of Palestinian human beings — feels fucking wrong.
I am angry that Black Lives Matter is just a hashtag that doesn’t mean anything because the “Founders” felt it was more important to build for themselves than the community.
I am angry that white women hear “I’m angry at white women,” and immediately think those words mean that what I am really saying is “I am mad at you.”
This gives me a reason to be mad at you, because you’re centering yourself when all I am trying to do is explain that SOME white women have been horrid, and have made horrible decisions, that have affected my life.
I am angry. I am angry that to white people I am Black, and to Black people I am white, I am angry that I don’t fucking fit in no matter where I go, and even when I try to build spaces for Black women, it ends up being taken over by white women.
I am tired.
I am angry. I am frustrated, I am tired of not being heard, I am frustrated because I feel like I am saying the same thing over and over and over again, and I am not being fucking heard.
I don’t believe in blaming The Devil, for shit that humans choose to do. I don’t believe that white supremacy is how the Devil wins this game of life. I do believe that the Devil is a guardian between good and evil, protecting the good by overseeing the punishment of the bad.
I do believe that the Devil reminds us to stay on the path that feeds our highest good while causing the least amount of harm, but I don’t believe the Devil is whispering in our ears, telling us to destroy the lives of children.
I don’t know if I believe in Demons and Angels, but what I do know is that some humans choose, on purpose, to be the worst versions of themselves, because it feeds their ego.
Pure and simple, that’s all it is. So many humans on this earth — specifically but not excluding — white people — have so much power, and they use it to step on the people with the smallest amount of power.
It’s soul crushing to wake up every single day and see the number of people from Gaza, and Palestine, who are reaching out to me for help, it’s super humbling for me to explain that I am in renter’s debt and that I can’t even afford to pay my bills right now.
I will never forget seeing the George Floyd mural in Palestine, right after it happened, on the side of a bombed-out building, artists had gathered in the most dangerous place in the world to say “I hear you America.”
And even with that grace, even with that small kindness heard around the world, America can’t get out of its own fucking way to be the leader the world needs.
Without DEI, America wouldn’t have been able to put a man on the moon. Without DEI we wouldn’t have electricity, lights, or the fucking telephone.
These initiatives aren’t just important because they open doors, they are important because people of color, Black, Brown, and Indigenous people, have talents to offer this world, that fucking deserve to be recognized, whether you like it or not.
When you say shit like “I don’t see color,” what you’re really saying is, “I don’t see you, and I refuse to see how other people who do see color, have affected your life in a negative way.” — Every person of color everywhere. We took a vote, this is the dumbest thing to say.
If you read nothing I’ve ever written, please, please read that again. Largely because “I don’t see color,” means that you are choosing, on purpose, to remain ignorant.
You should see my color, it’s a beautiful part of who I am. But you should also see that because of my color, I have struggled in ways you might not have, and the reason you may not have struggled, is because our colors are different.
You may not like that fact, but it IS a fact, that people of color, especially Black, Brown, Indigenous, Asian, Disabled, and LGBQ2S+NB folks, suffer exponentially more, because they don’t have access to the programs and services they need, based on their race, creed, color, nationality, size, orientation, and or economic status.
This world was built by Black, Brown, and Indigenous people, for white comfort.
That’s also a fact. For centuries white people were in charge. The lighter your skin, the more beautiful you were considered. When I was growing up I didn’t see anyone that looked like me anywhere.
Not in the faces of the soldiers who visited us at school, not in the models on television. When I tried out for a modeling competition, I was told I was too dark, and too fat. I was only thirteen.
It destroyed my self-confidence, and made it nearly impossible for me to see myself as beautiful for years.
It was decades of not seeing anyone like myself, that made me decide to be the beautiful I needed to see in the world. Decades.
No little girl should grow up without seeing their face somewhere, without knowing that their stories matter, no little one, should ever feel like they don’t deserve to exist.
So yes, I’m angry, but tell me again how the most important part of this article is that it’s not “All” of you.
Sending all my love,
Devon J Hall, The Original LMBG
