Coming to Terms with Being Taken Advantage of
The world is divided into people who exploit and those who get exploited; it isn’t fair, but know where you belong and accept your role in this plan
Ihate it. I resist it. I’m the first person to cry out, with fists pounding the table, “It’s not fair!” The world is divided into people who exploit and those who get exploited, and there’s nothing you can do to remove this division.
If you find yourself in the second group more than you’d like, you’re in good company. I’ve been there often enough to develop an inferiority complex, and I’ve been there enough times to consider surrendering and changing my tactic. Rather than fight this unbending reality, learn which group you belong to, embrace it, and just move on. You’ll gain unexpected peace and freedom when engaging with the world.
Let me be clear about these exploiters and exploited: I’m not referring to people who engage in harmful behaviour — abuse, harassment, hate — or those who are their victims. (Don’t ever accept this kind of behaviour!) I’m referring to everyday acts of human inconsiderateness. Everyday discourtesies that most of us experience and observe as common occurrences in our lives.
I’m talking about daily a-holes with a small -a. You know the type: the woman ahead of you in a long line for a film premiere who, after hours of waiting quietly, flags down three girlfriends who are just arriving to join the line and lets them cut in with her. She knows you’ve also been waiting in line for hours, and she knows she may have sabotaged your admission and everyone else’s behind you, but she lets her friends jump the queue anyway.
I’m talking about self-serving human beings who hog the world’s resources because they don’t know how to share the planet with others. I’m talking about self-interested human beings who exploit people who play fair, follow rules of courtesy, and won’t make a fuss when they’re being taken for a ride.
People who regularly exploit really get under my skin. I’m the last person to tell you to keep quiet when you’re clearly being taken advantage of. Sometimes speaking up is the best thing to do. But this approach has its limits. How much energy do we spend trying to correct a reality that will outlive us? Is it always worth it in the end?
Life isn’t fair
I’m stating the obvious: Life will never be fair. Cry it out. It’s a tough pill to swallow, especially if you’re a good person doing good things. Usually. But the sooner you accept this fact of life, the sooner you’ll achieve emotional freedom and you can prioritize what matters in life.
It’s all unfair: the guy who swoops into a parking spot even though you were already waiting for it with your blinkers on (WTF?!); the professor who advances, not extends, the final essay deadline because she needs to get grades in sooner than she thought (WTF?!); or the blind date who stiffs you with the bill by making a run to the washroom just as the teen at the cash asks for $13.95 for your two caramel lattes (WTF?!).
These irksome occurrences happen daily, and they’ll never disappear from our lives. In the moment, they hurt our feelings and offend us. Do they really matter in the big picture? I think there are far more important matters to get in a huff about.
“Tough luck: accepting life’s unfairness will set you free” — Holly Matthews (TEDx Talks)
Acceptance of life’s unfairness isn’t about normalizing rude behaviour, nor is it a license to stick it to others since nothing will change anyway. It’s the acceptance of something bigger than you, and the release of what is out of your control. It’s about connecting with life’s mysterious ways in the human experience and having a good laugh about it when it’s appropriate.
Your sense of fairness and respect for rules will be better served elsewhere
I’m the person who pipes up about every detail of life’s unfairness (the extra fee on my bill, the people who got served first even though I arrived before they did, etc.), and every time, I believe I’m righting wrongs. But I’m not so sure anymore. I might be making fair tweaks here and there, but by addressing small simple battles, I’m choosing an easy way out in the arena of justice and wasting my time, voice, and a strong sense of what is right.
Change is possible and there are things worth defending so that change can occur: human rights, human dignity, truth, innocence, justice.
If you’ve got the inner fire to face the world’s injustices, go bigger. Choose your battles more strategically and face the culprits causing real harm in our world: corrupt people, unjust policies, systemic barriers. The jerk in the truck who cut you off on the road might be just having a bad day or is just an impatient a-hole whose energy deserves to be ignored.
You’ll cause more ripples and, hopefully, a more equitable world if you chase people and systems that are truly cruel, exploitative, and unjust. Follow your conscience and fight for what will make a real difference in the world.
You may exploit from time to time, too
Uh, oh. The world is unfair and people are sucky, and you might be playing a role in this drama. For all those times you’ve cursed a-holes who walk all over you, consider that somebody might have cursed you for pulling a low stunt, too.
In one day, we make thousands of choices — big and small. Somewhere in your decision-making, you’ve probably taken advantage of a situation or person to get ahead or save your skin. I confess, I’ve failed to correct a mistaken lowered price before to save a few bucks or bargained low because I knew the person selling wouldn’t negotiate a better deal. It’s dishonest and exploitative, but I did it because I knew I could get away with it.
We like to believe we are holier than thou, but we all like to take a little more for ourselves every once in a while. And according to this article, being the good guy all the time has psychological downfalls. Perspectives and experiences vary, and based on another person’s standards and expectations, one of your many choices might have made somebody else feel like they belonged to the group of chumps.
People who exploit may just be miserable or their bad behaviour is a reflection of a bad day or period
Intentional exploiters may have dissatisfying personal lives or feel powerless in areas of their lives. When they stick it to innocent people, they feel better about themselves. It’s a cheap way to feel good and gain control, but who doesn’t choose a copout from time to time? Not everyone has the skills to manage frustrations in more respectful and less hurtful ways.
Some people are not habitual exploiters and might just be having a bad day. It doesn’t justify being an a-hole, but letting it go on your part is a sign of compassion and understanding towards humanity. If we go easy on others sometimes, we can do the same for ourselves. We all go through rough patches, and the exploitative bumps in our lives are a reflection of personal frustrations and misunderstanding.
It’s not personal; you’re not a victim
Related to the above, I’m learning that it’s rarely personal. And yet we so often believe it is; otherwise, it wouldn’t be happening to us.
“Life is random, neither fair nor unfair.” — Peter Buffett
Even when the exploiter chooses to stick it to you rather than the big scary guy next to him, it’s still not personal. It’s true, you’re less threatening and it’s an exploitation of circumstances, but the incident is still, ultimately, a reflection of the exploiter’s insecurities and it’s still pure coincidence that the incident happened to you specifically. You weren’t specially selected for this. It’s a bit of a lottery. The universe’s plan simply saw you there first.
If you must, state your case and walk on
For those times when it’s necessary to say something or you may feel compelled to do so, detach yourself from any outcomes. Face the person, state your case politely with no expectation that you’ll change a mind, and then wait quietly: “Hey, that’s not cool. Your friends have to go to the back of the line like everyone else.”
The exploiter’s response might surprise you — you might get an apology or an awareness check. Other times, they’ll tell you to go to hell. No matter. After you’ve said your piece, smile, wish them a good day, and carry on.
Which group do you really want to belong to anyway?
We’ve all lost sleep over these incidents, replaying what we could have said to that a-hole and re-imagining our bravery and boldness. Or we get down on our luck, doubt ourselves, and promise to do it differently next time so that it doesn’t happen again and all the time. Perhaps there’s truth to the latter part. Perhaps you could improve your assertiveness skills for those times when it’s not okay to let something slide.
As upsetting as it is to see your kindness and fairness regularly get stepped on, ask yourself who you really are and if you really want to walk to the other side to be with the regular exploiters. In the grand scheme of things, your kind and fair nature are keeping the world tilted towards good. Your kindness and fairness are making a difference in a world that is still mostly good. That, in my view, is reason enough to let some things go even when it feels like you’re good gestures get you nowhere.
For centuries, human beings have narrated examples of good and bad behaviour. This is a simplistic view of the world’s modus operandi, but it explains some of the daily tension we experience with other human beings. It will be like this even after your mortal death. Your responsibility is to know what role you play in this larger human drama. Hopefully, once you figure it out and accept who you are, you’ll choose to follow a path where your thoughtfulness, respect, and fairness can be put to good use in the world.
I’m a mostly serious writer who can’t resist injecting my writing with an undertone of humour and irony. It takes away the sting and heaviness of life’s seriousness.
