Fear and Loathing at the GPI Summit: An Intern’s Journey
by Timur Guler
6:30 AM. Tuesday. The Day Before The Summit Begins
I haven’t gotten up this early since high school. Why did I stay up till 1:30 watching Trailer Park Boys on Netflix? I had seen those same episodes at least 3 times before. I would probably be falling asleep in the shower if I wasn’t so jazzed up for the Summit. Joanna (our boss) wants us all in the office at 8:30, but the Intern Crew will settle for nothing past the strike of 8:15. It’s about to be a BIG day.
You’re probably very confused, so I should explain what’s going on. We here at OPI2 have been doing monumental things for the past few years, and the nation has taken notice. Lots of other cities want to be us. They want our strategies, they want our best practices, they want our results. It’s about time to show them how we do it. So OPI2 is holding a conference at the Seelbach hotel for mayors, performance chiefs, and big data big-wigs from around the country. There’s 500 people coming into Louisville, and it’s up to the Interns to make it all run smoothly. Big time players thrive in big time moments, and it’s my time to shine.
8:40 AM
The Interns enter Joanna’s car. She’s clearly cleaned it and scented it for us. Or maybe for the out-of-town mayors coming to the conference. Probably for me. Definitely for me. We’re blindfolded, we’re stuffed in the trunk, we have no idea where we’re going, and I’m lying about two of those things (guess which).
8:53 AM
I’m kicked out of the front seat for the event planner, Tricia.
9:05 AM
First time out of the car. We’re at Copper and Kings, a distillery that also been known to host an event or two. This is where the opening reception will go down. They’ve got a gorgeous patio, a swanky interior, and shipping containers, which apparently people here think it’s cool to hang out in. They make brandy and absinthe. Van Gogh cut his ear off after a night of absinthe, and I can’t help but wonder what’s in store for all the heads of city at this reception.
9:58 AM
We’re at the Seelbach now, where the conference is taking place. The employee uniform resembles a bowling shirt. I could get used to this town.
9:59 AM
This hotel is too good for me. I am a lowly Intern. I don’t deserve nice things.
10:03 AM
I missed breakfast, so it’s time to hit up Starbucks for a nice toasty bagel. Before I can properly lather it with schmear, I’m whisked away to view one of the conference rooms. There are no tables here. I’m forced to kneel on the ground and prepare my bagel on the floor.
10:32 AM
We’re back at the office now. I’m supposed to do some reading to prepare for a meeting next week, but can’t help but sit at my desk and daydream about the big reveal on Wednesday: AOL founder Steve Case is going to tell us about the third wave of the Internet. The first wave was AOL and AOL messenger (the heart of the middle school social scene), and the second wave was Facebook and other social media (a permanent reminder of how punchable I was as a freshman in high school which has devolved into kids I barely remember from Model UN sharing bizarre, very bizarre articles). The third wave has got to be the charm.
12:00 PM
We head to lunch at a place called Sway. I order the fried chicken sandwich, and it’s a solid 4.5 out of 5 stars. I recommend it strongly. You’re welcome for the free advertising, Sway.
3:45 PM
It’s back to the Seelbach to set up the lobby for tomorrow morning. Tricia’s directing traffic all over the room, using the Interns to bring to life her master plan. She’s like George Washington leading the troops across the Delaware, except this time we’re not fighting the British, we’re fighting government inefficiency.
4:23 PM
It’s back home to recharge my batteries for the big day ahead. Rest well young man, the innovation gods seem to tell me; you’ll need your energy tomorrow.
5:45 AM. The First Day of the Conference.
I spring from bed, a man on a mission, rejuvenated after only one episode of Trailer Park Boys and a 10:45 bed time. It’s go time. I’m Jordan and it’s game 7. This is my moment.
7:30 AM
The Interns arrive at the Seelbach. Hedy and I are tasked with inserting documents into the conference program. Intern Hedy is MOVING programs. Why is she so much better than me? She’s clearly streamlined the process with some kind of innovation — this is what the conference is all about.
8:17 AM
People are starting to arrive, and the Interns are placed on nametag duty.
8:41 AM
The throngs are descending upon us like the buffalo of yore. They’re damn near blocking out the sun. In 19 minutes the session will start, and I’ll have a brief moment of respite.
9:00 AM
My moment has come and gone — the opening sessions are starting, and the Interns are directed to live tweet. I’m assigned to Louiestat (the best one) and head upstairs.
9:01 AM
The place is packed and I feel like an anchovy. It’s standing room only at this point. Eat your heart out, Peak Academy of Denver. OPI is a cutting edge scalpel of government innovation and you’re a rusty old butter knife.
9:04 AM
Mayor Fischer and Theresa are explaining how LouieStat works. The crowd is whipped up into a frenzy of anticipation.
9:57 AM
EMS is killing it, their KPI’s (Key Performance Indicators) are off the charts. The meeting is smooth as silk and right on time. The crowd is overwhelmed with awe and inspiration. Louisville is shining bright in the limelight — this is why we do what we do.
10:23 AM
It’s break time and they’re already out of all the breakfast foods. I would settle for an everything bagel. Maybe even whole grain. Should I eat the jelly packets? Am I above eating the jelly packets?
10:31 AM
Errand time. Steve Case is giving all attendees a copy of his book, The Third Wave, and I’m driving to the University of Louisville to pick up 550 copies. It’s a hot one outside, and I’m sweating bullets as I roll through town.
11:02 AM
I arrive at the right place after getting lost more times than I care to admit. 550 books is a lot of books. A whole lot of books.
11:20 AM
I’m back. After lugging the books into the lobby and hiding them under a table, I finally get a break.
12:39 PM
I’ve received a task! I’ve received a task! Mayor Fischer is spicing up his opening address with a few choice video clips, and I was deemed competent enough to dim the lights when they came on.
1:34 PM
I’ve done it! The lights were successfully dimmed! Finally something positive to bring up when I talk to mom tonight. People were clapping for my dimming abilities, not the Mayor’s speech, right???
2:23 PM
We’re in the middle of a panel discussion, and Boston’s police chief is talking about building social muscle. He says that after lifting light weights, you will be able to lift heavy weights. This might work for social muscle in city government, but it sure hasn’t panned out for me in the gym.
4:22 PM
The Interns are leaving early to set up the reception.
5:30 PM
The guests begin to arrive. I’m directing them upstairs and making polite conversation. Where are you from? How are you enjoying the conference? What are the three digits on the back of your credit card?
5:43 PM
I love appetizers. I really do. I’m eating them at an alarming rate, and people are staring at me, too polite to ask whether I’m supposed to be here.
6:12 PM
I figure I should try to act like an adult and get after a bit of networking. I overhear snippets of conversation, and everybody’s talking about work. After a full 9 hours of talking about work. I realize I only have 2 years of college left, and then this will be my life. Only two more years until I have a 9–5 schedule and a minivan and a 401K that I talk about to people I don’t even know at cocktail parties.
5:45 AM
After a good night’s sleep, my outlook has improved. Mom told me she thinks I’m talented and handsome, and that should be enough confidence to get me through the day. Intern Hedy is running the aux cord on the ride to work, and I request SEVERAL Bon Jovi bangers.
7:17 AM
We arrive at the Seelbach. Breakfast is set up before everyone gets there, and we actually have time to eat this morning. How many croissants is too many croissants?
8:48 AM
I’m informed that today’s opening speaker, Rebecca Ryan, used to play in the WNBA. I’m ready to see some fundamentals on display.
9:04 AM
No fundamentals today, she’s beginning her talk by getting us all to stand up for a quick session of martial arts. Everyone is yelling. Why is everyone yelling?
9:33 AM
Rebecca Ryan takes a jab at Harvard. Joanna’s boss Theresa got her master’s there, and she feels salty. The other Interns and I are thrilled. Let’s face it, Harvard sucks. Boola Boola.
11:52 AM
They’re feeding the Interns! They’re even letting us sit at the same table with the adults.
12:37 PM
IT’S TIME FOR STEVE CASE TO TELL ME ABOUT THE THIRD WAVE! This is everything I imagined it to be and more. The third wave is …. you’ll have to buy the book for yourself. The Third Wave by Steve Case on Amazon.
5:23 PM
We’re at the Kentucky Center for the post-conference screening of Jamie Redford’s Resilience, a documentary on how Early Childhood Adversity increases risks of developing many major diseases and mental health issues. His dad was the Sundance kid and Resilience premiered at the Sundance Festival. Circle of life, man.
There’s a regular reception and a VIP reception, and my job is to work the door at the VIP reception and check names. I’m essentially a bouncer, and I’m sure my 5’7” frame is striking fear into the hearts of men.
7:54 PM
The movie’s over and it was actually a pretty compelling watch, look out for premiers of Resilience going on in your city. This is the end of the conference and I’ve made it the whole way through without being fired or even made to cry. The working world ain’t too bad, mom, and I’m already looking forward to GPI 2017.
For content of any real substance, check out previous and future blogs from Intern Joe and Intern Hedy. For more frivolity and self-deprecation that hasn’t yet been proven to not rot your brain, check back in in two weeks for another blog by Intern Timur.
