The critical difference between Neurodiverse and Neurotypical dating
From a discussion about Love on the Spectrum, a professional friend raised a great perspective worth sharing.
Over drinks, an excellent professional friend mentioned watching Love on the Spectrum with his partner. They asked a few questions from my Autistic perspective, which I gladly answered.
One of the most surprising aspects was the direct and honest communication style, which made him ask why neurotypicals hadn’t picked up on this when dating. It’s clear, concise, and manages to spare someone’s feelings in the long term because it’s profoundly direct and honest, which would be the kind thing to do.
A striking observation was that Autistics rarely have an ulterior motive in communicating with other potential partners. The love language is superficial and lacks little innuendo that characterises neurotypical love language. Unlike neurotypical, there are no secondary or tertiary degrees of semiotics, ontological or epistemic communication decoding. Consequently, what a neurodiverse individual says is what a neurodiverse individual means.
From watching the show, it raised the question, maybe neurotypicals have love language completely wrong? There is too much decoding that often leads to confusion, whereas, neurodiverse language is too direct.
The kindness of direct honesty is highly empathic because it does not manipulate the other person or save face. For this reason, better communication sets the tone and expectations of a relationship.
Direct honesty about their feelings and expectations blew him away. It is a highly efficient way of communicating. The level of honesty and directness establish the quality of the relationship. Whether for friendship or more, radical candour (as it’s often called) develops a successful framework and a strong base for a quality, honest relationship.
Radical candour is both compassionate and valuable for the dynamic of the relationship. Directness is something that neurodiverse people excel at. However, this bluntness isolates us because we lack the tact and skirt the line of obnoxious behaviour (compared to a neurotypical social framework).
How individuals use candour differentiates between neurotypical and neurodiverse dating and love language. The distinguishing factor is the approach to openness. Neurotypicals hide intentions or attempt to spare surface-level feelings to save face or adhere to societal norms. In contrast, neurodiverse individuals are brutally frank to a fault.
One communication style is harder to decipher and confusing but may spare feelings. In contrast, the other style is direct and honest and may offend the bluntness. As a result, decoding feelings, emotions, and behaviours in the dating environment become much more challenging in reconciling the styles.
A necessary consideration of autistic relationships is regarding the Theory of Mind. Neurodiverse love language is higher on radical candour; however, perspective-taking challenges us. Autistics value honesty and directness above anything but find it challenging to see the partner’s perspective. As a result, we say what we mean and lack social awareness. Although autistic bluntness and directness are challenging in many social situations, it’s rarely manipulative because we just cannot decode like a neurotypical.
Styles then become a question of preference. As an autistic individual, I would prefer honesty upfront to not invest in the wrong types of relationships.
But, I guess it comes down to preference and societal conditioning?
