10 Years.

Life, Love And Loss.

13: You made me feel invincible and we sang along to the song A Case Of You, in the back of your pickup, on a cold winter night.

14: Your pretty gray eyes made me forget the ache I felt in my bones. I heard your laugh in crowded streets and imagined us growing old together in the mountains.

15: You cheered way too loud at the graduation I didn’t walk at and afterward we ate way too much ice cream. That summer we went on our first roadtrip together. I wanted it to last forever.

16: You saved me when I didn’t know I could be saved. The song Eugene by Sufjan Stevens makes me think of everything that transpired that year. I serenaded you with the song You Found Me when I started to sing again.

17: I met Eli and you left to help out in the world. I felt my heart sink each time I couldn’t call you and tell you about my daily life.

18: Eli held me every night to distract me from thoughts of losing you to death. I lost my brother to suicide and felt my world crumble, piece by piece, when you weren’t there to hold me at the funeral.

19: Eli proposed and I wanted to tell you all about it. But I couldn’t. One night, when the darkness set in, I drank until I couldn’t remember anything, yet somehow even when I didn’t know my name, I knew yours. I remembered everything about you.

20: You died and I arranged the funeral. A part of me died with you and it was buried alongside you. Eli and I parted ways and I found solace in Greg.

21: Greg and I didn’t work out, for various reasons, and I missed you as I made my way back to the Coast we spent a lot of time on. I wished for your sage advice and soft voice telling me it was going to be okay. Shortly after I made my way to the land that held you last in an effort to feel closer to you.

22: I met Bri and we sang along to the songs that you and I loved when I was 16; and for the first time, it didn’t hurt. Talking about you and everything we did together didn’t hurt. With him I reached the fifth, and final, stage of grief. I will always be thankful for that.

23: I’ve met someone. He is kind. He is brave. He has strong and gentle hands. If you were here I am absolutely certain you would’ve loved him the way I do. I cannot remember if you were right handed or left handed. I cannot remember how you wore your hair. I don’t know if you would recognize me if you saw me now. There are times I cannot. I don’t know if you would love me still. Often times I do not. The part of me that died with you is a part I cannot have back. A part I do not want back. It has been a little over two years, and I am not grieving anymore. That is not to say I am over you. Because I still think about you from time to time, and I still wish you were here. But here I am, 10 years after I first met you, a little over two years after your death, and I can finally think of you and not find myself disintegrating.

Aly, you changed my life in more ways than one. I am better for knowing you. Thank you for the last 10 years. Even though you are gone, I carry you in my heart and on my skin. I love you. I miss you. I look forward to the day our paths cross once again.

AN: Maria, thank you for posting this while I am away. You are rad.
I post a typewritten poem and a haiku to my blog daily. If you are curious, go here for the poems and here for the haiku.
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