(136) Not Tonight

I fought with myself all day about what I would write tonight. Actually, that’s a gigantic lie because it wasn’t a fight: I didn’t want to write at all. I don’t want to write at all. Not tonight. Not here. My heart is not ok with here, this site that I have loved like my surprised solace since I found it four months ago. I can’t write a daily splerp like I used to, because I can’t feel my community here the way I used to. Things are not the same for me.

I tend to be dire about investments. I’m working on it. I realize, maybe, that things will eventually be ok. I know that I will pull myself together and write myself the way I’d planned, but now, here, in the middle of this frostbitten asscrack of a writing moment, it’s hard to see the me that will be straight in her head and fierce in her heart and just do her thing anyway.

I need tonight to not be that person. I can’t be that person; I don’t want to be that person. Yet. Hopefully.