The Self-Compassion Strategy
An allergic reaction. Discomfort in my body. Eyebrows raised. That’s what I noticed when someone mentioned the term self-compassion. I think that person added the word ‘self-love’ not long after it, which made matters worse. I switched off. Pictures of people hugging themselves came to mind immediately. Saying soothing words to oneself while sitting in group circles. Bleh. I didn’t really see how terms like self-compassion and self-love could be beneficial to me.
Ambitious goals (often unrealistic), a lot of ‘I must’s, high expectations, and a demanding tone of voice to address myself when something went wrong. Back then I believed that my default mode was working well for me. I was in a pretentious job and had successfully finished my studies with good marks, and was involved in all sorts of extracurricular activities. I felt as if self-compassion would only weaken my ability to achieve things. But not only was I wrong, my default strategy came with a high price too. I often felt pressured, frequently stressed, and there was no room for mistakes. A mistake was the start of internal verbal punishment.
Scientific researcher and author, Kirsten Neff, found that almost 80% of the people find it easier to be understanding and considerate to others than to themselves, when going through a hard time. Her scientific research proved that practicing self-compassion has a positive effect on your health, it makes people experience less anxiety, less depression and greater happiness.
In the midst of a late mid-quarter crisis, I started to realize that if I would treat others the way I was treating myself I probably wouldn’t have many friends left. Ouch. Maybe there would be something in this self-compassion idea, after all.
Neff, who offers free, clarifying resources on her website self-compassion.org, explains self-compassion by describing what it ís and what it’s nót.
What self-compassion is:
· With self-compassion, we mindfully accept that the moment is painful, and embrace ourselves with kindness and care in response, remembering that imperfection is part of the shared human experience.
· Self-compassion is aimed at the alleviation of suffering, not to try to make our pain go away by suppressing it or fighting against it.
· Self-compassion is a practice of goodwill, not good feelings.
What it’s not:
· Self-compassion is not a form of self-pity, where you are in a state of feeling sorry for yourself. When you practice self-compassion you often remind yourself you are not alone in your experience, which helps to prevent feelings of isolation and disconnection.
· It’s not a form of self-indulgence, where you allow yourself to get away with anything. When you are compassionate to yourself you focus on being happy and healthy in the long term.
· It’s not a form of self-esteem. In the Western culture self-esteem is often based on how much we are different from others, how much we stand out or are special. Both a lack ánd abundance of self-esteem can be problematic, where self-compassion isn’t dependent on external circumstances and is always available.
What it boils down to according to Neff: Instead of mercilessly judging and criticizing yourself for various inadequacies or shortcomings (‘You have acted só stupid’ or ‘Is there anything you can do right here?!), self-compassion means you are kind and understanding when you are confronted with personal failings.
For me it simply means I try to speak to myself in a way I would speak to my sister or a close friend who could use some comforting. Like that moment when I got extremely ill in an office space — out of nowhere. I felt small, pale, and immediately thought ‘God, Suz, how embarrassing!’. But I became aware of the criticizing, merciless voice (unfortunately there is no self-criticism-off-button once you embrace the idea of self-compassion) and I told myself things like: ‘Oh, Suz, this really sucks’ and ‘Argh, this is hard, there’s probably someone else who’s been through this too.’
Self-compassion is straight forward, hands-on and no-nonsense. It’s also powerful, because when you practice self-compassion you are your number one caregiver. Comfort doesn’t always have to come from someone else. A fine revelation.
