Everybody has a dark side
Musings on Heart Powered Human Leadership
Yesterday I was chatting to one of my clients/friends/co-conspirators who is an exemplary embodiment of Heart Powered leadership. She lives and breathes being real and human at work (she has also achieved outstanding success in every measure you could measure). Much more on her another day. She mentioned how she had really enjoyed the articles on Head and Heart power as they acknowledged the dark side — which she had recognised in herself too. She is that kind of real and honest. As an authentic leader, she is a truth seeker — even if she doesn’t always like what she finds. But she knows, because she is wise, that in the end…
The truth will set you free.
I loved hearing this as often we are focused on trying to be our very best selves all the time — which although desirable — is rarely possible for anyone. I have found that welcoming and owning our shadow self has been of the greatest service to both myself and many other leaders I have worked with.
In fact, it seems to me that our wounds bleed gold.
This shadow self is often denied, judged, criticised, numbed and ignored. Sometimes it is like an abandoned orphan pleading at the door to be let in — begging for our attention and love — to which we will do anything but open the door to it.
What is this “Shadow” I speak of? It is that in ourselves which we don’t see or don’t want to see. It is that which is hidden from us or we keep hidden. Our blind spots. What we don’t know we don’t know. It is our darkness. And it drives us.
‘Until you make the unconscious conscious, it will direct your life and you will call it fate.’ — Carl Jung
The great psychologist Carl Jung coined this understanding. He said the shadow is the unknown dark side of the personality. The shadow, in being instinctive and irrational, is prone to psychological projection, in which a perceived personal inferiority is recognised as a perceived moral deficiency in someone else. (1)
In other words — what we can’t be with in others — is something unacknowledged in our own selves.
So, what to do with this Shadow? Well, using our metaphor of the unloved orphan — we can give it our attention, our welcome — our love. We usually get a clue as to where our shadow lies on our bad days. Especially when we are annoyed by other people. Those triggers are our friends. They show us where OUR own work lies. Where there is more to see. Where we are not free.
In fact, they are our material for our own liberation. (2)
This can be our mission — if we choose to accept it. Our shadow is a function of our own deep traumas, sadnesses, losses. Our own survival patterns and coping mechanism — our own story. Our creation.
And the only way out is through. In essence, shadow requires a merging with. We need to recognise and accept our shadow self, integrate it and give it a place and expression. And from there we can mine the gold.
When we can welcome as a leader our need for approval — we are no longer at its beck and call and can make the tough calls that might impact another but will serve ourselves and therefore the whole.
When we own but are no longer hostage to our need for control — as a leader we can choose to let go and empower others allowing more ease, joy and fulfilment all round.
When we are able to embrace but are not driven by our need for security — as a leader we can allow ourselves to lose sight of the shore to take the risk that changes the game.
There seems to be a lot of focus on looking in the direction of the light lately — a kind of desire for enlightened transcendence of the body, feelings or the darkness in us. For some of us at some point in our lives — that is the most perfect path. However, it is also true — that a deeper look and dive into the heart of the darkness — the pain or shame that we do not want to feel — when this can be fully met and alchemised, it takes us all the way through to that same truth — to the lightness of spirit of knowing that we are ok. And the key to that?
Allow, accept and embrace that All of you is welcome. (2)
As the wise Sufi Poet Rumi says with such exquisite accuracy in his poem — The Guest House..
This being human is a guest house.
Every morning a new arrival.
A joy, a depression, a meanness,
Some momentary awareness comes as an unexpected visitor.
Welcome and entertain them all !
Even if they're a crowd of sorrows,
Who violently sweep your house empty of its furniture,
Still, treat each guest honourably.
He may be clearing you out for some new delight.
The dark thought, the shame, the malice,
Meet them at the door laughing, and invite them in.
Be grateful for whoever comes,
Because each has been sent as a guide from beyond.
- Rumi
Working with Changemakers to let their wisdom lead real change.
(2) Many have said these words to others — including me — but I attribute this to Lian Brook Tyler who had me understand these words in a deep embodied way — that changed the game.
For leaders who want to lead with humanity, heart and wisdom.
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