We learn and grow through letting go
Musings on Heart Powered Human Leadership
Sometimes you just gotta let that shit go. I’ve said this so many times in so many settings. To myself and to others, about a work setting or personal situation. Easier said than done though— I know. Especially if it’s painful shit.
I recall many business scenarios I have been a listening space for:
- the brilliant Chief Marketing Officer who thought they were in their dream job, until they suddenly weren’t— and was left heartbroken
- at least three partnerships between CEO and Founder where infuriatingly for them both — they just couldn’t see eye to eye — despite both having the best of intentions
- the ending of two Co-Founders’ Partnership — whose break up was as much if not more painful than the break-up of a marriage
- the CEO knowing deep down they had to let go of someone on their team who they had loved, nurtured and cheerled for many years — potentially devastating for them both and rocking the boat
- the Human Resources Director overlooked once again for a rightful seat at the Board table
- the Chief Operating Office who knew it was time to walk away from everything they had put their heart and soul into building because it was the right thing to do for them and the business
I could go on.
Disappointment and loss are inevitable parts of business, leadership, life — a part of the rich tapestry of being human.
Shit happens. But the solution is not about second guessing, controlling or avoiding things so that we never get to experience that shit — that will keep your mind very, very busy and won’t make much difference at all.
It is in fact our capacity to be sovereign and have agency in the face of any circumstance that makes all the difference.
The crucial thing is whether we see it as material for our own learning, growth or liberation or we suffer it as the victim of our shitty circumstance.
I have noticed that there are four ‘R’s that tend to cause us all the suffering: rumination, resentment, regret and most of all resistance.
Resistance to what was, what is or what will be. The resistance tends to circle around one of these three aspects (1):
- an undelivered communication
- a thwarted intention
- an unfulfilled expectation
Our dwelling on any of these basically leave us feeling bad, mad or sad and ultimately a victim of the situation. As the wonderfully wise Carl Jung said: What we resist, persists.
Until — we are able to see and own that it is our very own creation. Or as I like to call it Our Story.
It is our own communication, intention or expectation in the first place, created by us in our own mind. I appreciate that this is quite grown-up, objective and mature — a sovereign perspective — not always available in the heat of the moment and yet even in my most childish of tantrums (surely triggered by memories of past unwelcomed pain) — I know it ultimately to be the truth.
If you choose to lead yourself and others well, you require a sovereign perspective.
Just this morning I was feeling hurt about something. Feeling sorry for myself. I had an expectation, unfilled by another. Turns out when I owned it, I was able to see what it was that I really wanted and on this occasion kindly give it to myself. I’m still a little fragile in that area — but its on the way out as I lean in to first fully feel it and then in the space created, insight pops in and I find the hurt is let go.
I know all this might seem like some helpful albeit intellectual information — which often doesn’t seem to make any difference at all. Once we are in the grip of resistance to our disappointment or loss, we are also in the grip of the feelings that come up with it.
In fact, all we are ever up against are our own temporary, always changing thought/feelings in any moment.
Feelings are how all humans experience life — once we are in the grip of a feeling, the only way out is through. If we can welcome and honour a feeling, bring it into our own fully felt present awareness; that enables both deeper insight and letting go. Quite simply —
We need to feel what is real, to heal* and reveal.
This means being with what is — the way that it is and the way that it isn’t. Without resistance. And for that, there is one simple tried and tested message I have always found a true comfort —even and maybe especially in the very worst of losses — those Beatles knew a thing or two. (Feel free to sing along)
When I find myself in times I’d trouble
‘Mother Mary’ comes to me
Speaking words of wisdom…
Let it be.
Just because I like a happy ending… here are the real life outcomes from all those scenarios:
- the brilliant Chief Marketing Officer is knocking it out the park on their new business venture and has never been happier
- each of these CEO/Founder partnerships broke up, with each person going on to do bigger and better things - building teams around them more suited to their own style
- the two Co-Founders have gone on to Found new things separately and it makes my heart so happy to say — they have returned to being the best of friends
- the CEO knew and trusted that what would serve the whole would also serve the individual only to discover their team member got there first by resigning
- the Human Resources Director resigned and went on to only take roles where she would get that seat at the table
- the Chief Operating Officer knows in their heart that with all their talents, expertise and learning, the next opportunity they take will be one that makes them truly happy
Each and every one would say they had learned and grown through their experiences, and that giving themselves some space – to first be with and then let go of — the resistance to what is, what was or what could have been — was the key.
For leaders who want to lead with humanity, heart and wisdom.
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