The first time my husband suggested we masturbate together, it made me feel ashamed of myself.
We hadn’t been having sex as much as we used to because I was struggling with vaginismus and it made any kind of penetration painful.
Every time we had sex, we felt both hopeful and hopeless. We always thought that maybe this time we’d make progress and actually have comfortable sex. But we also knew that as soon as anything went in me, I’d start wincing. If we tried for too long, I’d end up crying, too.
So, he suggested that we just lie in bed together and get ourselves off instead. That way, we could both do something sexual together but I wouldn’t have to endure any pain.
“No fucking way.” That was the first thought that ran through my head. His suggestion gave all kinds of negative feelings. It was completely unacceptable to me.
It’s not that I hated the thought of seeing him masturbate. I didn’t even necessarily hate the thought of him watching me. I just didn’t like the idea of giving up on our sex life.
Masturbating side by side didn’t count as real sex to me. It didn’t feel like a real, grown-up thing to do.
Mostly, it would feel like admitting that I’m the woman who wasn’t capable of satisfying her husband.
I shot down the suggestion, but I wish I hadn’t. It would’ve made our sex life so much better. For one thing, we would’ve actually had a sex life. We could’ve used it to be intimate with each other even when my body wasn’t cooperating.
Even after I successfully overcame vaginismus and we could have sex the way we used to, there were still a lot of reasons to try some mutual masturbation. But I just couldn’t get over my sex script. I let go of the idea that sex has to conclude with — or even include — penetration, but I still thought it had to involve us touching each other’s bodies.
I changed my mind when I told my husband to masturbate next to me. We have a house crawling with kids, so he never had the space or opportunity to get himself off. So, I suggested he do it at night, in bed. He would take care of himself, I’d get some sleep, and it wouldn’t be a big deal at all.
That was before I realized how hot it would be.
I was lying on my side, in the dark, trying to go to sleep. But I couldn’t stop listening to the sound of his hand running up and down his lubricated cock. His soft moans were even better.
I put my glasses back on and decided to watch.
Seeing him give himself pleasure was so arousing. Watching him grunt through an orgasm while his come spilled over his fingers was even hotter.
The next time he got himself off, I decided to join him. More than ten years after he first suggested we masturbate together, I took him up on the offer. It was fun, sexy, and satisfying.
Now, it’s something we do once in a while. We still fuck most of the time, but when sex isn’t a good option or we’re just in the mood for a little self-love, we don’t shy away from taking care of ourselves together.
Why You Should Masturbate Together
Since I started writing about mutual masturbation, a lot of my readers have reached out to share their stories or ask for advice about how to approach it.
I’ve heard from multiple people who feel too embarrassed to do it or too shy to bring it up to their partners. I completely understand where they’re coming from because that’s where I was, too. But the only thing I regret is not doing it sooner.
Even if it starts off a little awkward, it gets comfortable as soon as you start getting into it. It’s like when you reread the dirty texts you sent the night before. You’re mortified at the explicit stuff you wrote, but it felt perfectly natural when you were sending them because you were operating from your horny mind-frame. It’s the same with mutual masturbation. Getting yourself off next to your partner might seem intimidating or weird when you think about it mid-afternoon. But when you’re horny and stroking your stuff while watching your partner do the same thing, your inhibitions will wash away and you can just enjoy the moment.
It’s worth getting over that awkwardness because mutual masturbation should be part of every couple’s repertoire.
There’s something really intimate about it. Most people don’t often get to watch their partner get off. But there’s something really nice about seeing the way they like to touch themselves. It’s like seeing a little part of their private world, and sharing in that can make you feel really connected.
It’s a good substitute for a quickie, too. I just can’t get down with a quickie. I need too much prep and arousal before I can really enjoy getting fucked. So, if I’m horny but we just don’t have time for foreplay, sex, and the whole rigmarole, yanking our pants off and getting ourselves off is a good way to take care of those urges.
It’s also a nice way to add variety to your sex life. I love having a long list of things I can draw on and play with in bed because that means nothing ever gets stale or boring. Enjoying a little mutual masturbation is a good way to break up the routine.
And mutual masturbation is just plain hot. It’s arousing to watch someone get off, to pay attention to all the sounds they make, to see the way their body moves, to watch them lose themselves in a climax. It’s basically live porn, and it’s free.
Depending on your living situation, one of the big benefits might just be improving your masturbation. You can find a way to masturbate when you don’t have a lot of alone time, but it’s not easy to masturbate well. Mr. Austin and I both used to masturbate quickly and in a rush. He used to sneak off to the bathroom to get himself off if he had a few minutes to spare in the middle of the day. And I got off like the Flash — I’d lock my bedroom door, stick my vibrator down my pants, and make myself come in under five minutes.
When we masturbate together, though, I don’t have to worry about him walking in on me. We can just lock the door and create a little masturbation oasis for ourselves. That allows us to take our time and make it more sensual. We can edge ourselves and prolong the pleasure. We can play with toys and use as much lube as we want.
If all you get out of this is better masturbation, that’s a win as far as I’m concerned.
Start with a Conversation
Mutual masturbation is a little bit outside of the box for a lot of people. It can be surprisingly hard to break out of the mindset that sex is something you do with a partner but masturbation is something you do alone.
That’s why having a conversation with your partner about it is an important step. They’ll be a lot more comfortable if it’s something you’ve planned and got excited about doing together instead of something you spring on them right before you turn off the lights.
Even if you’re both sold on the idea, talking it over can help you figure out what you both want out of the experience. There are different ways to masturbate, so you both want to be on the same page. Will you watch or just sneak little glances? Will you go at your regular pace or try to match each other’s? Will one of you stand over the other or do you prefer being at separate ends of the bed? That’s the kind of stuff that might be better to work out ahead of time.
And a conversation can also help you figure out what your partner needs. If they’re interested but reluctant, you can find out what they need to be more comfortable. They might need a little intimacy before getting things started. Maybe they want some foreplay. Or maybe they could use a little reassurance.
When my husband first proposed to me, it made me feel insecure. I shut down the conversation, but if we had talked it over some more, he might have been able to frame it as a fun, sexy activity instead of a compromise. That would’ve changed the way I looked at it and might have made the idea a lot more appealing.
Ease into It Gradually
Masturbating in front of your partner can make you feel very exposed. If it does, you can ease into it gradually.
You could start with the lights out and then introduce a bit of candlelight instead of turning on the lamp. Or you can just agree to keep your eyes closed and just listen to each other.
You can also stay fully clothed. Once you get into it, you can strip down to your underwear if you feel okay with it, and eventually work your way to doing it fully nude (keeping your socks on is fine, though).
For us, the best solution was to have Mr. Austin go first. It sort of happened by accident, but that let me be a spectator before becoming a participant. That meant there was no pressure on me — I could just jump in and do my thing whenever I felt like it. So, if your partner is more comfortable or less self-conscious about this stuff than you are, give them a head start and let yourself warm up to it.
Watching porn while you masturbate together can make it less awkward because it takes some of the attention off you. And there’s nothing wrong with having some extra visual stimulation to choose from.
The only thing I would recommend is to agree to the porn you’ll watch ahead of time. Watching porn as a couple is really fun, but only if you find porn you can both enjoy (your partner might not enjoy watching blowbangs as much as you do).
Pre-selecting your porn also gives you a chance to make sure it’s quality stuff. Mr. Austin and I had a couple of frustrating masturbation sessions where every porn video we put on either bored us or made us cringe a little. We spent more time looking for new videos than we did touching ourselves.
Use Sex Toys and Lube
A mutual masturbation session is a good opportunity for you to try out new sex toys or use your trusty favorites.
I always end up using a vibrator when I’m masturbating with my husband. If I’ve got something new I want to try out, I might end up using more than one toy. Toys heightens my pleasure, but it also gives Mr. Austin a different kind of visual experience.
I often encourage him to use sleeves and strokers when he’s getting himself off next to me. He used to have a few hangups about them, but I’m really happy he got over them because it’s a lot of fun to watch them in action.
And whether you use toys or not, you should both use lube. Lots of it. It just feels better.
Make a Game Out of It
I’m a big fan of playful sex, and the best way to make mutual masturbation more playful is to turn it into an actual game. All you have to do is set up a goal or one or two simple rules.
Try going as slowly as you can and really taking your time. See if you can each prolong it and make it last more than half an hour.
You could try racing each other to see who can come first.
You can regulate your pace and try to come at the same time.
If you’re both multiorgasmic, you can see which one of you can rack up the most orgasms.
Or you can make it more interactive by giving each other instructions. Tell your partner to go faster, to slow down, to stroke themselves a certain way, to use penetration, or to finish by coming on you.
Don’t Put on a Show
When you masturabte together, you don’t need to put on a show because you are the show.
I used to have a hard time getting off when I masturbated in front of my husband because I always tried to do it in a porny way. I’d lie on my back, legs spread, and rub my clit.
That felt alright, but it’s not the way I normally got off. When I was masturbating by myself, I’d lie on my stomach, tuck a vibrator between my legs, and ride it until I came.
I was worried that masturbating on my stomach would look unattractive. But when I started doing it, I didn’t just find it easier to get off but Mr. Austin found it hot, too. As it turns out, he’s a big fan of watching my bare ass move up and down as I hump my vibrator.
Don’t worry about getting yourself off a certain way or holding anything back. Masturbate in whatever weird or quirky way you normally do. The hottest thing you can show your partner is your genuine pleasure.
It’s Okay to Change Your Mind
Treat mutual masturbation as an experiment. Both go into it aware that it’s okay to just stop mid-wank if you’re not feeling it.
If it’s awkward or doesn’t work for whatever reason, you can just laugh it off. If masturbating side by side doesn’t improve your intimacy, laughing about your failed attempt at doing it definitely will.
Inside jokes bond a couple together. So, if something embarrassing happens — like you just get too shy and can’t come or he gets so distracted watching you that he comes on his own face — be grateful for all the laughs you’ll get out of it.
Go Solo Together
Mutual masturbation is intimate, fun, and a good way to add more sexy stuff to your relationship.
You might have to start with the lights off and a blanket covering you. You might have to ask your partner to go first. But whatever it takes, you should give it a shot and enjoy all the benefits you and your relationship can get from it.
And if all you end up doing is giggling over it, that’s not such a bad thing.
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