My sex education started when my mother handed me a book.
She told me to read it and to follow up with her if I had any questions.
I had plenty. But there was no way in hell I was going to ask my mom about sex.
So, it was just me and the book. And I’m sure it had some decent information, but the only thing I really took away from it was the impression that sex happens when a man lays on top of a woman and kind of moves his hips from left to right.
It’s a good thing I discovered porn before actually having sex. I would’ve gone into it with all sorts of weird expectations.
Depending on how you look at it, school either did better or worse than my mother’s book did.
We didn’t have a sex ed class per se. It was more like a module. It lasted a single week and even though it was about sex it managed to be dull.
We watched videos and the teacher read out loud from the textbook. It wasn’t engaging at all. It was awkward as fuck. But mostly, the whole thing was designed to make sex seem terrifying.
The focus was on birth control and protection, but most of the time was spent going over the horrors of sexually transmitted infections, complete with gory images of genitals that have been through some stuff.
One of the videos we watched depicted a birth gone wrong. So, even the pregnancy section seemed designed to scare our legs shut.
There were a lot of things left out of those videos and the accompanying textbook, but the biggest one was pleasure. Not just how to give it to yourself or to others, but the very notion of pleasure itself. I don’t recall a single mention of sex being fun or exciting. It was taught as if orgasms and the clitoris didn’t exist.
So, I learned about all the good stuff the old fashioned way.
Piecing It Together
I learned that my body could give me pleasure by humping my stuffed animals.
I learned that sex could be arousing and thrilling from the erotic BDSM scenes in a dog-eared paperback my mom did a really shit job of hiding, along with the porn I could watch when my parents were out of the house.
Those taught me about the power of anticipation and showed me that the pleasure of sex could be like nothing else. There was no context between sex and dessert — chocolate could never make you squeal and shout like that. I got to see and practically feel the raw intensity of physical passion.
Then I got some hands-on experience by losing my virginity on my boyfriend’s parents’ bed and then fucking teenage boys at parties.
That confirmed it. Sex was as amazing as it seemed. It was even better than I thought it would be. And I wasn’t even close to getting the really good stuff yet.
But after the sex ed I got, I had no clue what I was doing. I gave my first handjob by moving my hand up and down and just hoping something would happen before my arm got tired. I didn’t know why getting fingered was supposed to feel amazing but it sometimes just felt harsh and unpleasant. I didn’t have the language to ask for what I wanted, and I didn’t even know what I wanted half the time because I was just guessing my way through it, too.
Anything to do with technique, skill, or even a basic understanding of what my body did or needed during sex I just had to figure out on the fly and hope I didn’t get it horribly wrong.
I eventually pieced together all the things I needed to know. It’s a mish-mosh made up of years of experience and experimentation, countless anecdotes and random pieces of advice, things I‘ve read in articles, scenes from porn and erotica, and some Reddit threads thrown in for good measure.
It serves me well now, but it took me a long time to get here. I wish someone — my mother, the school, anyone — would’ve at least handed me a CliffsNotes version of it before I started doing all the stuff my hormones were pushing me to do.
In a perfect world, I would’ve read blog posts about enthusiastic consent instead of mainlining Scared Straight stories about STIs and teen pregnancies from a worn out textbook. I would’ve learned about different types of orgasms and how to use lube instead of just memorizing the effectiveness rates of birth control methods. And at least some of the classroom videos I sat through would’ve been produced and hosted by Kenneth Play, even though that would’ve been a lot more awkward.
The Pleasure Teacher
Kenneth Play is a sex educator whose videos I came across when browsing EroticFilms.
I was looking for porn, but instead I found five of his educational videos (though they did manage to turn me on, so it all worked out).
I had access to five guides in total: Foreplay, Fingers + Toys, Oral, Penetration, and Squirting. I watched one, and then I binged them all.
In the videos, Kenneth Play provides information, gives advice on technique, and walks through everything with some very hands-on demonstrations. His underwear never comes off — he’s an educator only and, disappointingly, not a pornstar — but he uses his fingers, tongue, toys, and a strap-on to walk you through different techniques to help you get women off.
As a teacher, he’s got everything you would want. He’s got a great personality, an enthusiastic attitude, and is considerate of all the women he brings on screen.
Plus, he’s got an ass you could bounce a quarter off.
What I love the most, and I what makes him perfect at teaching sex, is how incredibly attentive he is to each individual he works with. He remembers how each of his screen partners like to be treated and he gives them exactly that. If they prefer more focus on the clit, he goes for the clit. When he’s with a co-star who likes to be roughed up and dominated, he gets a little more aggressive and dominant.
He pays attention to the non-verbal body language of his costars, points it out to help the viewer recognize it too, and shows how to react to it appropriately.
Good technique is responsive. Being great at sex isn’t about memorizing a few moves — it’s about figuring out what turns your partner on and giving it to them. And, outside of maybe a few porn videos, I don’t think I’ve ever seen anyone do a better job of demonstrating that.
And of course, the knowledge is there, too. I like watching instructional sex videos, but I don’t always go into them expecting to learn something new. But I learned some stuff watching these, like ways to build even more anticipation. I learned a technique for exploring the clit to find the most sensitive spot on the person you’re pleasuring (because “focus on the clit” is often too simplistic). I also learned how to tease using the clitoral hood.
And the big one: I learned how to squirt. I had squirted before, but I never knew how to deliberately achieve that with a partner, even after reading multiple articles on how to do it. But watching (and more importantly, my husband watching) Kenneth Play’s Guide to Squirting taught me exactly how to stimulate the G-spot for a big finish.
Kenneth Play’s videos aren’t appropriate classroom viewing, but they’re still some of the best sex ed I’ve seen when it comes to giving pleasure, enjoying sex, and fine-tuning your technique. And there’s a good mix of basic information and advanced skill. So, whether you’re young and still figuring out the whole sex or have been doing it for ages, they can help us all come closer to being sex gods and goddesses.
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