“You should give him a chance. He’s a really nice guy.”
Those words came as a surprise to me. Not because I hadn’t heard them before — I had heard some version of them many times. It was because I thought I had given him a chance.
We had seen each other over a few weekends. He was good looking, kind of fun, but I just didn’t manage to get interested in him in that way.
But still my friend was telling me to give him a chance.
By that point, though, I was starting to know better.
I had done it a few times before. I dated guys even if I didn’t feel any interest in them or feel any major attraction to them. I did it because they liked me or asked me out and that’s what I felt was expected of me — to give every guy who seemed decent a chance.
Let me tell you right away that it didn’t leave me with any fun or inspiring stories. I don’t have a story about how saying Yes to guys I didn’t feel any attraction to led to some unexpected and amazing relationships.
In those cases, saying Yes felt more like being dragged in the mud.
Giving guys a chance just because they liked me never ended in romance. It never turned into comfortable relationships. It never even gave me great sex or wild adventures.
Instead, I ended up with lackluster dates, clingy guys who made me feel uncomfortable, and relationships that were going nowhere. Not to mention some verbal abuse when I called things off with them.
And that’s part of the reason I cringe now whenever I hear people telling women to just give a guy a chance even when they’re not interested. Or worse, when women are chided for not giving the guy they were dating enough of a chance before calling things off.
Almost every woman who dates men has met the one who will practically plead for her to give him a shot when she says she’s not interested. The one who says he deserves a chance to show her what a great guy he is.
He’s usually the same one who’ll bitch that a woman turned him down without even giving him a chance.
But here’s the harsh reality guys: no one owes you a chance. And expecting to get one is all kinds of messed up.
A Woman’s Time Is Too Valuable to Waste
A woman’s time is just as valuable as a man’s. So, why are women constantly expected to sacrifice it to give a guy a chance?
If a woman goes on a date when she has no real interest in you, it comes at a cost to her.
She has a life, and giving you a chance interferes with it. The time she spent on those three or four dates with you (not to mention the time she spent getting ready for them) is time she could’ve spent doing all sorts of other stuff.
She has work to do or chores that need to be taken care of. She has to call her mom or friends she’d like to catch up with. She has a book she wants to read or a movie she’s been meaning to see.
When you’re expecting her to give you a chance, you’re asking her to put all that aside just for your sake.
Not to mention, it’s time she could be spending looking for someone she actually clicks with.
And it doesn’t matter if what she has to do isn’t important.
Guys don’t decide not to go partying with their friends because they feel like they should give a girl they don’t like a chance. They’re not going to set aside their Netflix binge because a girl he doesn’t find attractive asked him out.
So, it doesn’t matter if all she wants to do is eat popcorn in bed while scrolling through her Twitter feed. She can still prefer it to getting dolled up and going out to dinner with you.
If you wouldn’t waste your time dating someone you didn’t actually feel drawn to, why should she?
Being Nice, Funny, or Considerate Isn’t Enough
That question was meant to be rhetorical, but I know exactly the kind of answer people give to it.
Men expect women to give them a chance because they’re nice, or they’re funny, or they’re considerate, or whatever other great quality they have.
That’s not always enough, though.
Being nice and funny and considerate are great, of course. But that doesn’t mean a woman will be attracted to you because you have those traits.
There’s got to be a spark. There’s got to be some kind of chemistry or connection. Otherwise, she won’t feel attracted to you.
We all seem to understand that when it comes to men. When a man doesn’t find a woman appealing or has no romantic interest in her, we just treat it as a done deal. We don’t tell him to give her a chance and that maybe, after a few dates, he’ll see how great she is.
When you’re not attracted to a woman, you don’t feel like you have to give her an opportunity to wow you. So why would you expect her to give you one?
You Owe Her Some Space
Women are constantly told not to trust their feelings.
We’re supposed to stop focusing on how we feel about a guy and just let him try his luck. As long as he’s not waving any giant red flags, we’re supposed to give any dude a yellow light, if not a green one.
That’s complete bullshit.
Behind the idea that women should give guys a chance is feeling that it would be a small tragedy if she didn’t throw the poor guy a bone. He put himself out there, so we should at least give him a chance to see if it’ll go anywhere.
Meanwhile, everything we lose in those transactions — our time, our comfort, and whatever opportunities we’re missing out on by dating someone we’re not compatible with — somehow don’t register as a problem.
If you ask me, that’s ass backwards.
When you express interest in someone or ask her out, she doesn’t owe you anything.
She doesn’t have to reciprocate. She doesn’t have to force herself to try to like you. She doesn’t have to play along just to see what will happen.
But when she makes it clear to you that she’s not interested, you do owe her something. You owe her some space.
You have to respect her lack of attraction and just move on with your life and let her move on with hers.
When you’re begging for a chance or complaining that she didn’t give you one, you’re not respecting her feelings. You’re putting your sense of entitlement above her comfort.
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