6 Ways To Transform Your Interracial Relationship
This could help you live happily
I am a hopeless romantic at heart. Growing up on a steady diet of romantic comedies, I adored the effortless meet-cutes (and still do!), over-the-top surprises, and the inevitability of the happy endings. If only real relationships were like that, right?
As a half Asian half White woman happily dating an Indian man, I quickly realized that not only have these movies given me unrealistic expectations, but that interracial dating has its own set of unique challenges. Though I’m certainly not a relationship guru, I’ve acquired some gems of wisdom. So if you’re currently in an interracial relationship or are curious about what it takes to have a successful multiracial partnership, read on!
1. Be Curious
I’ve always prided myself on being open to different cultures. I’ve traveled, grown up in a multicultural and multireligious household, and lived in the Bay Area- a cultural breeding ground for the “different” and “weird.” I learned more than ever that a solid partnership requires consistent non-judgmental curiosity. When first meeting my partner, I was shocked at his lack of 90’s American pop culture knowledge. Instead of watching Hey Arnold, Doug, and Rugrats, his cartoons were Swat Cats and Pot Purri. I had assumed that we would have similar cultural references because he had lived in the United States for five years.
This brings me to my first point: ask questions, and don’t assume that what is obvious to you is obvious to them. Imagine if you lived in their home country for a year. Yes, you would become familiar with the culture, but many traditions would still be confusing.
Having different experiences isn’t good or bad, it just is. Instead of getting frustrated, use it as a moment to strengthen your bond and learn about each other’s cultures! In the past 2 years, I’ve attended Indian weddings, tried real curry, and learned about Bhagavad Gita, all experiences I may not have had otherwise!
2. Be Humble
Being with my partner has humbled me and allowed me to recognize how much privilege I have. I can work for any employer, vote, and English is my first language, all things I used to take for granted. I’m even more grateful for my upbringing, something that I didn’t earn, but that I was born into out of sheer fate. This in turn has improved all of my relationships.
3. Don’t Mistake Interests For Values
We’ve all dated that smokin’ hot stranger and mistaken superficial qualities — like looks and common interests — as markers of relationship success. Ultimately, what your partner eats for breakfast or the movies they watch is not a driver of relationship happiness. My partner and I value honesty, communication, and growth, yet our upbringings and book, movie, and music preferences are vastly different. Too often I hear friends complain about another failed relationship because their date wasn’t interested in *insert specific hobby or interest*. Though I’m not saying to date your total opposite, getting clear on your values helps prioritize what truly matters in a relationship.
4. Create Shared Traditions
Whether it’s inside jokes, favorite weekend get-aways, or melding different cultural traditions into your holiday time, couples who spend quality time together thrive together. At the beginning of our relationship, my partner and I started doing marriage check-ins. Though we talk on the phone every evening, sometimes work, stress, and life, n general can leave us feeling too exhausted to self-reflect or inquire about each other’s emotional state. Creating rituals that give you joy and meaning can breathe new life into your relationship, even when there are misunderstandings.
5. Set Boundaries With Friends And Family
Though our society has become more accepting of interracial relationships, bias from friends and family is still a prevalent issue. Before getting into an argument with your loved ones about race and dating, ask them questions about how they formed their opinions. For example, if your family says that they want you to marry someone of the same race so you can pass on your culture to your children, you might say something like, “Why do you think it would be difficult to pass on traditions with my partner?” This helps the other person reflect on their own biases and opens up a dialogue rather than an argument.
If your loved ones are still adamant that you should date someone of the same race, remember to set boundaries. If needed, avoid triggering topics with family. In Eastern cultures, setting boundaries can be especially challenging, where many adult children are expected to obey their parents. However, at the end of the day, you are in charge of your mental and emotional well-being and there’s no shame in putting yourself first.
6. Discuss Discrimination With Your Partner
During COVID-19, the subject of race is in our face almost every day. From Asian assault to the murder of George Floyd, these events give us opportunities to discuss our experiences with racial injustice. It’s also important to ask your partner how they are feeling in case any trauma is retriggered. Don’t assume that you understand your partner’s experiences with discrimination if you’ve never gone through it. Both people need to acknowledge each other’s unique stories, validate each other’s feelings, and ask each other what they need to feel heard.
Though I still happily binge-watch romantic comedies, my mindset and expectations are more grounded in reality. If you’re in an interracial relationship, I hope these tips remind you to focus on what matters most: the love you have for each other.
Are you in an interracial/intercultural relationship? What are your tips?
I’d love to know!
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