5 things your co-worker wants to hear after her pregnancy loss.
Going back to work can be full of pitfalls for both the bereaved parent and her colleagues, but some can be avoided with mutual understanding.
I leaned against the railing of the rooftop deck, a glass of white wine in hand, chatting with co-workers at our company’s happy hour. I was uncomfortable being there just two months after the late miscarriage of my daughter, my first child, and I tried hard to act like things were normal. But before too long, I was harshly reminded of my situation by an unfortunate encounter with a well-meaning colleague.
I hadn’t seen this colleague in quite awhile, since he worked in another office, and at first I was happy for the chance to catch up. I hugged him and exclaimed over his new puppy, whose Facebook pictures I had been unashamedly stalking.
“Thanks!” he replied, and then leaned forward to put his hand on my now-empty belly. “But you’ll have your own puppy real soon,” he grinned, referring to my pregnancy that was no more.
I was astonished. I had thought my flat belly would be enough of an indicator of what had happened, but I was wrong. And I had no idea how to react — how to break the news without re-opening my still-raw wound, and without making him feel guilty and uncomfortable for his mistake.
Unfortunately, this wasn’t the first tough moment that happened in the workplace. Instead, there were many triggers which no one had prepared me for. There was the office Christmas party that I fled early, wanting to avoid the co-worker who had been pregnant at the same time as me and brought her new baby. There were the projects I had to ask to be put back onto, after dialing down my responsibilities in anticipation of a maternity leave that would never come. There was avoidance of eye contact, of social events, of trips to the water cooler for fear of who I might encounter and what they might say — or not say.
I was lucky to work in an incredibly supportive environment, but the experience was still painful and awkward at times. Here are some things I wish my co-workers had known I wanted to hear, things that would have made it a bit easier on all of us:
1. “I’m so sorry for your loss.” This may seem obvious, but many people forget to say it anyway — especially in an office environment, when it’s unclear what the professional etiquette is for addressing a miscarriage. When I returned to work, all I wanted was for someone to acknowledge that I had been pregnant, and that I had given birth to a real person. I wanted my colleagues to know that my baby had existed, even if I no longer had a baby bump and never took maternity leave. So if you say nothing else, make it this phrase. It’s short and sweet, and it will give your co-worker some sense of control over how she wants to proceed — you’ve given her a green light if she wants to talk about her loss, but you’ve also made it easy for her to simply say thank you and move on to other things.
2. “That sounds really terrible and I’m sorry it happened to you.” Pregnancy loss is often a taboo topic, and people don’t know what to say. As a result, I heard more than my fair share of hurtful, but well-intentioned cliches. These included “you’re better off — there was obviously something wrong with the baby,” “you can always try again,” and “at least you know you can get pregnant.” I felt like these phrases ignored what I feeling in that moment, my grief about losing this baby, and thispregnancy. So just listen to your co-worker without feeling the need to say something hopeful or reassuring. She may not be ready to hear it, and what she’s experienced simply may not be fixable at the moment (or ever).
3. “I’m here if you want to talk.” While going back to work after my loss was hard, the office soon became a kind of refuge. At the very least, it became a place where I could focus on something other than my pain and disappointment. Caroline Leavitt, a novelist who was a copy-editor at the time of her miscarriage, expresses something similar: she just wanted to“come back and sit at my desk, anesthetized by the pages and pages of copy I’d churn out.” Be aware that your co-worker may have mixed feelings about her job after her loss — she may get some relief from the normalcy, but she may also worry about letting her grief interfere with her performance. Or she may be exhausted from putting on a brave face all day. And she may experience all these feelings in a single work day, even a single hour. So respect her space and don’t bombard her with conversation about her loss. Instead, simply let her know that you’ll always lend an ear if and when she does want to talk.
4. “Do you want me to let people know?” There’s no good way to “un-announce” a pregnancy, as I learned the hard way. It’s easy to avoid right after your loss, when you’re cocooned in your grief at home. But it’s impossible to avoid once you return to work and come face to face with so many different people every day. Even if you’re proactive and try to let colleagues know beforehand, it’s impossible to ensure that everyone finds out — if you even want them to. Carrie, a university professor, sent out an email to break her news “but over half of them didn’t receive it — I guess as a multi-bcc’d email it went straight into many people’s spam folders. Which sucked, because for weeks I was walking around not knowing who still thought I was pregnant and who was in the know.” Offer to take some of this burden off your co-worker’s shoulders by asking if she’d like you to send an email, or to let people know in person what happened. Respect her preferences and avoid gossiping at all costs, but let her know that she doesn’t have to face this awkward and exhausting task alone.
5. “Is there anything I can do to help”? In the days and weeks after my loss, there was very little anyone could do to make me feel better. But I look back on certain moments and realize now how much they helped — like my supervisor asking me if she could quietly get the word out, so that I wouldn’t have to do it myself upon my return (see #4 above). Or the box of chocolate-covered strawberries my team sent me, just to let me know they were thinking of me. Women and their families have a wide range of needs after pregnancy loss, ranging from the physical to the emotional to the financial. There are lots of little things you can do to make the office environment better for you co-worker, even if it’s something as simple as finding the page in the HR manual telling her how much bereavement leave she’s entitled to, or setting up a Go Fund Me page to help her take some extra time off or pay her insurance bills. Perhaps you can get together with other co-workers and donate some of your paid time off. Maybe, if you work in a high-stress environment, you can offer to trade some responsibilities so that she has more choice over the type of work she takes on, at least for a little while. Or she may be tired and struggling to take care of herself, and bringing her that afternoon latte could be just the pick-up she needs to make it through the rest of the day.
