Love Q&A #1: “Lifestyle differences make me want to break up with my boyfriend”
Dear Keay,
I have been together with my current boyfriend for 8 months now. Things were great in the beginning. We were madly in love. We would talk to each other all the time through call or text. The sex was great too. And even during the times when we were apart (I was traveling for work), the long distance didn’t feel too bad. In fact, I thought it had made us even closer. Weird isn’t it? I was grateful that I had him and his support during those times.
Five months into the relationship, I decided to move in with him. It was a big decision for sure, but I thought, why not just jump right into it? Our relationship was stable at that time, and I thought that I could see a future with him. He is the kindest and most down-to-earth guy I have ever dated. He’s the kind of guy you would have no problem introducing to your family and friends. Both my feelings and my rational mind were telling me that he could be the one. What could go wrong?
I didn’t really know what to expect as it’s my first time moving in with somebody. I was hoping that it would get our relationship to the next level. I believed that it’s gonna be easy with him since he’s such a nice and chill guy.
But sadly, I was proven wrong. For one, I realised that our daily eating habits are pretty different. I prefer to cook and have healthier choices while he is able to survive on just microwave food every day. Slowly, more differences between us showed up. The TV shows we like to watch are not the same. I like to work out at the gym and play sports, while he’s only into running. He’s also shy about being touchy with me in front of his house mate, and we would only have sex when nobody’s in the house! These are just some of the many examples.
After a while, I feel that our lifestyle differences are pulling us apart. Rather, they are pulling me away from him. I know that they are not big issues at all, but they do add up, you know. I have tried to look past all the insignificant itsy-bitsy-s. I have tried to focus on how good of a man/catch he is and how much he loves me. But eventually it got too tiring. I just can’t do this anymore. After 3 months of living together, I felt that my romantic feelings for him have all but died. Of course I still love him, but now more as a close friend than a lover.
Please help.
JX
Hello JX,
I’m sorry to hear about your situation. Actually not just for you, but for many couples out there, moving-in can pose such a huge challenge to the relationship.
Before the move-in, there’s still some form of ‘censorship’ between the couple. But to live together means no hiding, and no picking and choosing. You come face to face with the other person’s good and bad, and they face yours too. Comfort zones, privacy and ideals are being challenged all at the same time.
From your mail, I had the sense that you have some ideals which you thought your boyfriend’s gonna match up when you live together. Like for instance, you might have the image of you and him all snuggled up on the couch and catching your favorite TV series together. Obviously, he didn’t turn out to be what you thought or wanted him to be, and so you got disappointed.
Well, communication is key here. The lack of it can lead to misunderstandings here and there. If left unchecked and unresolved, these things can, like you said, add up, and then become grave differences a.k.a deal-breakers.
My guess is, you do hope to salvage the situation because you don’t want to let go of a man who’s a good guy and loves you too. So I suggest that you have a serious heart-to-heart talk with your boyfriend about how you’ve been feeling. Be patient and completely honest as you guide him through.
I understand you have tried and tried, and nothing seems to work. Perhaps the real reason for that is because you are still holding on to your ideals of how a perfect relationship should look like. You have to let that go. The longer you stay obsessed with your ideals, the more imperfections you will continue to find in your boyfriend and in your relationship. It wouldn’t matter which guy you’re with — no one is going to live up to your standard because nobody is perfect. Even if there’s a guy who matches your ideals 99.9%, you would instinctively zoom in on that 0.01%.
What I’ll usually tell people is that if someone is ~80% your ideal, it’s good enough. The remaining 20% can be worked on. It’s gonna take time, compromise, sacrifices, and lots of going back and forth to work on your differences. It’s the combined effort of two persons. So if you want to him to play sports with you, then you should be willing to go running with him too. It shouldn’t be just one person putting in the effort and the other person being dragged along.
If someone’s 30%, it’s gonna be a pretty far stretch and maybe you should consider giving him/her up, because he/she could be someone else’s 90%. You get what I mean? In love, we should try to give our very best. But at the same time, I believe you shouldn’t have to try too hard to make things work. Some differences between people just can’t be resolved. Or maybe, they are just not meant to be.
Lastly, to end this on a happier note, I would say, give yourselves another chance. Try to work things out a different way. As long as both of you are willing, things can get better. Don’t underestimate the power of teamwork!
Lots of love,
K
This is part of the Love/Sex Q&A with Keay Nigel column here on Medium.
You can also write to Keay Nigel at nigel@loveiscollective.com ❤
Or ask him a question directly here: ask.fm/KeayNigel