ADVICE: How Can I Love Someone Without Living His Life?

Dear Keay,

Do you think that we should sacrifice our own self and life for love? How can I love a person wholeheartedly and with my all, but without completely living his life?

QueenieLoveX

Hello Q,

Well, for some people, the more they love, the more they lose themselves. Of course, I’m in no position to judge anybody or say what’s right or wrong. As long as they are happy, you know.

But I do think that it can be dangerous when you love somebody so much that you just follow them blindly. I was there before. I gave my all to a relationship. I was selfless and sacrificial. I thought that’s what love is. So I was ready to give up my own hopes and dreams, all for his ambitions and goals for the future — “our future.” In the end, when he left me, I was completely devastated. Lost. I didn’t even know who I was anymore, or what I wanted for me and my life ahead. At the same time, I’d also lost several of my closest friends, because they were his friends too. The breakup had literally shaken my entire world. All because I was living his life, and had completely lost myself while doing so.

Don’t build your self-identity, sense of self-worth, or what you want for your life based on somebody else. Not your family, your best friends or your lover. You can love someone without living their life when, and only when, you’ve known yourself well enough. When you have found your way to your own life. When you know what you want for yourself (what makes you happy e.g. for me, it’s helping people through writing), for your life (what are your own areas of personal growth), and for your future (what are your personal dreams or goals).

Most importantly, you have to love yourself first. Contrary to popular belief, I don’t think that people love themselves enough. Do note that there’s a difference between narcissism and truly loving oneself though. (That would be a whole other topic on its own.) Coming back, I would like to quote RuPaul, “If you don’t love yourself, how in the hell you gonna love somebody else?”

Having said all that, one may also be lucky enough to find themselves a relationship that helps them find their way in life. Perhaps that’s what we call, true love. Personally, I believe every relationship in life should be edifying. They should help you be better, and achieve more than what you could on your own.

So, don’t let no one mislead you. To live anybody’s life but your own, you may have much to gain at the first, but you’ll have everything to lose too. If anything, your lover should be helping you find your way to life, while you help him get to his too. Only in this way can the both of you grow as a couple, and as separate individuals.

It will always be hard to find the balance in things. But that’s what make life and love fun as it’s challenging, isn’t it?

xo,
K

This is part of the Love/Sex Q&A with Keay Nigel column here on Medium.

You can also write to Keay Nigel at nigel@loveiscollective.com ❤

Or ask him a question directly here: ask.fm/KeayNigel