Lessons I Have Learnt In 5 Years of Marriage

Marriage is a journey filled with unexpected lessons. Over the past 5 years, I have picked up a few insights from our marriage and the marriages of others that have shaped my perspective and I’d love to walk you through them. The lessons might resonate with you or perhaps inspire some thoughts of your own.

1. Actions Have Consequences

Every action has consequences whether immediate or long-term, positive or negative. The things we say and do to our spouses whether it’s being kind, neglectful, supportive or hurtful impact them and the overall health of the marriage. Positive actions such as expressing love, respect, gratitude, support and understanding strengthen the marriage but negative actions such as dishonesty, disrespect, cheating, and not considering the other person’s feelings lead to emotional distance, mistrust, conflict and even divorce.

My friends John & Jane have been married for 10 years and at the beginning of their marriage they started a good business that they were working on together but 7 years into the marriage John started another family outside of the marriage, Jane stayed in the marriage after John apologized but it wasn’t the same and Jane decided to start her own business on the side and acquiring her assets in secret. A marriage that started with one vision now has multiple visions which makes it harder to have any type of success coming from the marriage.

Your spouse is human and when you’ve hurt them especially emotionally expect a range of reactions and consequences depending on the severity of the hurt. This is why we have to be very careful about what we say or do to our partners.

Every action has consequences, before you act, consider the cost for once done it can’t be undone.

2. Conflicts Are Inevitable

Conflicts are inevitable in marriages because the more you spend time with your spouse you’re more likely to have disagreements. The mistake we make is that when a conflict arises we try to avoid it or we go into attack mode which causes our other half to defend themselves or even worse they counter-attack which never solves the issue but just makes it worse. Misunderstandings are part of every marriage since we have different interests & backgrounds.

It’s important to understand how different you are from one another so as you can make room for each other in your marriage.

Every problem has a solution. You need to explore what went wrong and fix it before it’s too late because those arguments that never get solved are the ones that build up and lead to a big explosion of anger and pain in the marriage.

One of the best things you can do for your marriage is learning to work through your issues.

When an argument arises and you get angry 1. You need to give yourself and your spouse time to cool off. 2. Communicate what angered you healthily, and explore the real reason because sometimes what you’re arguing about might not be the real reason and until the real reason is solved more arguments are more likely to arise. 3. Listen to your spouse’s point of view; I know how hard this is especially when you feel wronged, I can’t count how many times I have asked God to help me do this when I am arguing with my husband but every time I do it works, as they say “there are always 2 sides to every story”. 4. Admit & apologize where you went wrong and even if you were wronged first but reacted badly admit & apologize for that too. 5. Learn from the mistake, forgive each other, put it behind you and try not to bring it up again.

3. Forgiveness Is Hard

In a marriage where both partners will inevitably hurt each other the difficulty of forgiveness is real but so is the process of restoring love, rebuilding trust and strengthening the marriage over time.

Even with the difficulty of forgiveness, it’s still the only way forward because there are no relationships without mistakes or moments of hurt. Without forgiveness resentment and unresolved issues arises and it slowly damages the marriage. “Love keeps no record of wrongs.” — ‭‭1 Corinthians‬ ‭13‬:‭5‬ ‭NIV‬‬.

Forgiveness isn’t about forgetting what happened, but choosing love, growth and choosing the future of marriage over lingering on bitterness. It’s more about choosing to heal rather than holding on to the pain. Forgiveness is a process that takes time, it doesn't happen overnight but it is essential for long-term happiness and healing in a marriage.

A Good Marriage Has A Union of Two Forgivers

4. Past Traumas Can Influence Marriages Negatively

Trauma is a deeply distressing experience. Traumas are different and almost everyone has theirs it can be childhood trauma, domestic violence, sexual abuse, childbirth, child neglect, accidents, life-threatening illness, physical trauma, traumatic grief, witnessing violence, natural disasters, over-strict upbringing etc.

My father walked out on my mom and me when I was 5 years old telling us he was travelling abroad for work only for 3 months but he came back 12 years later and not back to us so whenever my husband was travelling I was always unease, scared because I had a fear of abandonment from the past but by then I couldn’t connect it to the past trauma so I never handled the fear well which always led us to have a lot of arguments. My husband grew up seeing his parents sick with diabetes so he is very careful with living healthy by working out and eating right, whenever he sees me eating junk food which I like 🫢, he is unease and when he confronts me or gives me the side eye I would always feel judged which would lead to silly arguments.

It took us a long time to get that most of our reactions towards our behaviours are triggered by the past experiences we’ve had, but once we realised this both of us had time for self-reflection, we had deep, vulnerable and honest conversations, we got to know our triggers and we even made time for Prayer which has helped us understand each other more.

You and your partner can also try this. Each of you list down 3 traumas from your past, identify the patterns that are translated to your marriage then make time to have an intensive discussion about them.

I have also seen marriages where partners handle their marriages like how they saw their parents handle their marriage which leads to arguments. An important lesson we need to learn is that no marriage is the same because every person is unique which means so is every marriage. God brings two people together with a plan and a purpose which is more than just satisfying their emotional, physical and mental needs.

No two marriages are the same, marriages may have similarities but they are entirely different.

5. Communication is Key

Communication is the key to making a stronger bond in a relationship. Healthy communication helps us to understand each other, express our needs more freely, build intimacy, respect boundaries & resolve conflicts. You can get there by seeking to understand rather than to be understood, making time for each other, being willing to compromise, establishing boundaries and avoiding assumptions.

Miscommunication leaves room for assumption which leads to argument.

Miscommunication and conflicts are the biggest ingredients for a relationship time bomb. When decisions are not communicated either small or big decisions it makes the other spouse feel like there is no partnership in the marriage which leads to resentment and arguments. When feelings/fears/the past are not communicated it also leads to arguments.

6. You Can’t Change Your Spouse

My biggest mistake when we got married was thinking that I could change my husband and he could change me. Little did I know that change starts from within, I cannot change him nor can he change me. So every time I tried to change for him it never lasted because I wasn’t doing it for myself.

Changing for Yourself is the type of change that lasts.

Only God can open our eyes to see the things we need to change. “That’s why we have to pray the “Change me, Lord” prayer. I know it’s one of the most frightening and difficult prayers to pray. We’d so much rather than pray, “Change him, Lord” or “Change her, Lord.”- Stormie Omartian. Plus if we surrender to God, and give Him the freedom to do whatever He wants in us, God only knows what He might do.”

When my husband doesn’t pick up his dirty clothes from the floor it’s easier for me to just pick them up and put them in the laundry basket than to start a silly fight about that which will lead to an argument over something I could’ve just simply done for him and avoid an argument.

You Have To Pick Your Battles In Marriage. The irritation from your spouse is never going to stop so you have to choose what you react to.

Marriage is about accepting your partner for who they are, including their strength and imperfections. Rather than focusing on trying to change them, it’s better and more effective to work on understanding, supporting and encouraging growth in healthy ways.

7. Marriage Is Not 50/50.

Marriage requires work from both partners. It’s never “I give 50 and you give 50” though realistically sometimes it’s one spouse giving 70 while the one is giving 30 which can be due to selfishness or circumstances out of our reach but we still have to try to solve this issue so one partner shouldn’t feel drained. Both spouses should give their 100 in the marriage.

Marriage is a shared responsibility that requires teamwork. Teamwork needs collaboration which is essential in a marriage because it makes a partner feel valued, heard and supported. Teamwork is beyond just cooperation, it is having shared goals (spiritual goals, financial goals, intimacy goals, growth), having defined roles (individual roles and team roles), clear direction, rules, boundaries, mutual accountability, diversity, honest & open communication, conflict resolution, shared decision making, emotional support and trust.

8. Marriage Is Sacrificial

One of the hard parts of marriage is also the fact that we have to be selfless. Many times we have to prioritize our marriage before our personal desires and interests for the well-being of our spouse or family.

Selflessness in marriages has to come from both spouses. Both spouses need to think beyond their personal needs. Both spouses have to be committed to making sacrifices that are made out of love and respect not out of obligation which leads to resentment.

Good marriages have partners who seek to serve not be served.

Sacrifice in marriages doesn’t mean neglecting your needs fully. A good marriage needs a balance of selflessness with self-care and mutual respect ensuring that both partners feel valued, loved, respected, fulfilled and supported. That's a type of balance that makes a marriage thrive.

9. Never Stop Dating Your Spouse

I have learnt how quick it is for the sweet part of the relationship to slip away in marriage. There was a point where my husband and I stopped doing sweet things for each other it led to empty love tanks and constant arguments I must admit the joy of marriage was gone at this point. We had to pick it all up again and our situation changed when we started serving each other wholeheartedly again.

When You Stop, Your Marriage Stops.

Whatever you were doing while still dating that made it work or even better through the honeymoon phase just keep it going as in never stop giving each other time and gifts, never stop the date nights, the jokes, the fun of the relationship, never stop saying “I love You”.

A marriage where partners still date each other is also beneficial to the kids (if you have any), because the bond the two of you have gives the kids a stable, strong and healthy nurturing environment. When the bond between spouses is solid it positively affects the children to experience love and security therefore enhancing the overall emotional well-being of the household.

Apart from all that in the world we live in today being widowed can happen in the blink of an eye, people are left brokenhearted and alone. I love the song by Meghan Trainor & John Legend — Like I’m gonna lose You, especially the part where they sing “We’re not promised tomorrow, so I’m gonna love you like I’m gonna lose you, I’m gonna hold you like I’m saying goodbye, wherever we’re standing I won’t take you for granted cause we’ll never know when we’ll run out of time”.

“I have learned that I still have a lot to learn” — Maya Angelou

Marriage is a continuous journey of growth and learning. Even people who have been married for decades continue to learn as partners and tend to evolve individually and as a couple. We need to keep on learning because people change over time, we go through different life stages, we go through challenges in life, we learn from mistakes, we rediscover each other and get to have a deeper understanding of each other.

Thank you for reading this far into the article, it’s nice that you value continuous learning in marriage and life. Cheers to keeping that growth mindset.

With Love,

Sandrahope M.